Month: December 2022

Sitting In My Brokenness…

As I sit here in the Detroit Metropolitan airport and type these very words, I watch as one passenger after another walk past me with bags in hand, some heading to their gates, while others head to baggage claim and beyond. As each stroll on by, I imagine what their lives are like, especially those evoking strong outward emotions. And as I silently observe my outer world, I begin to reflect inward, becoming aware of my own inner state of being, one that is feeling so incredibly sorrowful right now in life.

Processing out a 10-year relationship that just isn’t able to work anymore in its current inception has been feeling so incredibly painful to my heart. While my partner Chris and I truly love each other still, and probably always will, he’s broken in his own way, and so am I. And two broken people just can’t function together in a relationship, especially when the reasons for their own individual’s brokenness clash almost every single day.

What I need most in a relationship is affection in non-sexual ways, something that has been absent more than not in most of my adult dating life. It’s taken me a long time to figure that out and now that I have, I’ve tried very hard to seek that more in Chris, but unfortunately, he has demons from his past that he’s facing and has been for a good while, demons that cause him issues with showing those forms of intimacy. What this translates to is simply me pushing for more and him pulling away more. It’s a pattern that has become well established for years now with us and one I can’t handle anymore, because my heart hurts, immensely, and needs to heal by being around those who will embrace it more with those forms of intimacy.

I’ve spent an entire life not having my heart embraced and instead accepted more than not my body being embraced instead. I’ve allowed myself to enter into one sexual encounter after another, some lasting for moments, and others lasting for years and beyond, where affection came mostly through carnal experiences but rarely through those deep forms of intimacy I’ve longed for ever since I was a kid, when I never got them back then either.

I’m doing my best now to embrace that little kid in me who never got those forms of intimacy and have been giving him the love he needs right now as I process out this relationship and deal with my inward brokenness. This may very well be the first time I’m not numbing that broken part of me with any addiction and instead just sitting in it. And man, it’s painful. So very painful. I’ve sobbed so much lately that sometimes I profusely shake in the midst of it.

So, as I process through all these painful emotions and this vast pit of emptiness I feel within from the end of a decade of life spent with Chris, I find myself silently observing all these people walking around here at the airport. With each of their smiles and frowns and empty gazes as they press on forward, I press on forward myself in faith and trust that God is finally able to heal me in all this stillness, allowing my heart to finally heal for what very well is probably the first time ever in my life…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1 (2 Short Ones…)

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”

A lumberjack once told me he had cut down 27,572 trees.
“How do you know exactly how many?” I had replied.
“Easy, I keep a log…” he said.

Silly Joke #2

A young man just proposed to his sweetheart. The girl replied, “If I marry you, will you promise to give up smoking?” “Yes, I will…” came the reply.
“And drinking?” she said. “I will give up drinking as well…” he said. “And going to the club with your cronies?” she asked. “Yes, I will give that up too…” he said.  “And what else will you give up for my sake?” she asked happily. “Well actually, the more I think about it, I think I’m going to give up the idea of ever marrying you…”

Silly Joke #3

Little Johnny, the boy who always says and does the most inappropriate of things, badly wanted $100.00 and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. So he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to the White House. Eventually, Little Johnny’s letter actually makes it to the desk of the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Little Johnny a $5.00 bill. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. When Little Johnny received it, while he was delighted with the $5.00, he sat down to write a letter to God that read, “Dear God, thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason it came through Washington D.C. and it looks like those jerks deducted $95.00!”

Bonus Silly Joke

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman’s apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they’re both laying there, staring at the ceiling. The old man was thinking… “Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her.” The old lady was thinking… “Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Thought For The Day

Today’s quotes surround the importance of self-love, which is one thing that many of us forget about and instead get lost in trying to find it in others…

“How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.” (Rupi Kaur)

“Fall in love with yourself, with life, and then with whoever you want.” (Frida Kahlo)

“Perhaps the biggest mistake I made in the past was that I believed love was about finding the right person. In reality, love is becoming the right person. Don’t look for the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Become the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.” (Neil Strauss)

“Love yourself so much that when someone treats you wrong, you recognize it.” (Rrena Rose)

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson