I have been asked quite a few times lately whether I’m suicidal due to how I’ve been writing and sharing about my life on social media and in my blog. Having had both my parents end their lives in that way, with many who know me or have read my writings over the past 10 years already knowledgeable of this painful part of my past, I get the concern. This is why today’s article is about this difficult subject, one in which I choose to discuss precisely how I feel about ending my life in this way.
Are there days lately that I find myself crying out to God that I wish to die? I’d be lying if I said there weren’t. Are there days that I have pondered at moments various ways to check out of this plane of existence? I’d be lying if I said there weren’t. And are there days that I have let the feelings of being so alone and unloved in one romantic relationship after another get the best of me, where I start thinking life would be far better dead than alive? I’d be lying if I said there weren’t.
Having had two parents end their lives by their own hands makes it very easy to ponder questions like this, especially when my raw emotions and the physical pain I continue to endure at heightened levels get the best of me. What’s even worse is remembering this psychiatrist who once told me ages ago that I had a 60 percent chance of following in my parent’s shoes because of the way they both ended their lives. I think about that psychiatrist’s words a lot lately. And I do mean A LOT. But does that mean I am thinking about taking my life? The answer is no.
Let me be clear in saying that people who talk about suicide, who threaten suicide, or discuss it openly are far less at risk for actually taking their lives than those who don’t talk about it. Typically, those who talk about it are feeling mostly void of having unconditional love in their lives and are seeking greater connection to someone who may be able to offer it.
Personally, what I long the most in life is to be unconditionally loved by one single romantic companion because I have endured a lifetime of feeling unloved ever since beginning it with two parents who never knew how to give love freely. And because of that, I recreated my childhood codependency in one relationship after another where I unconditionally loved the person I fell in love with far more than any love I ever got back. While I eventually learned how to give that type of love to myself, that has never taken away my longing to still be loved unconditionally by someone who will embrace my heart and never let go. I don’t believe any of us are meant to go through life without experiencing this, never having someone to enjoy this type of deep romantic love with. And never having experienced this after so many failed relationships, I often find myself thinking that death would be far better than life, except that doesn’t mean I’m actually going to take my life.
I can’t say the same though for those who hurt equally as bad or worse and think about taking their lives but never talk about it at all. It’s people like this who are most at risk. My parents never talked about any of their pain and both ended their lives by their own hands leaving two kids to pick up the pieces that remained, trying to find some type of unconditional love for themselves to keep going.
Sometimes I think my sister and I have never fully recovered from the blow of our parent’s tragic deaths, given how incredibly painful each were for us. While we’ve both done a tremendous amount of healing work to keep going, it still hasn’t taken away the void left behind from the lack of unconditional love we never got from them, especially in the way their lives ended, as suicide is a very unloving act. Add in the lifetime of never receiving that type of love in each of our romantic relationships, where it’s constantly showed up more in the form of a carrot dangling at the end of a stick, always just out of reach, it’s made for a very difficult existence. I’m thankful though to have witnessed many beautiful couples who have expressed this type of love to each other, like my friend Melissa and her dearly departed husband Ken, as they showed me true unconditional love does exist.
So, while I’ve often pondered death not ever knowing that type of love in any of my relationships, I know I still have a great calling on this planet and won’t give darkness the satisfaction of me checking out prematurely. I trudge on and keep one deep hope alive, and that is to have one single soul, one being, by my side, to unconditionally love me in a way I’ve never been, not once, in my entire life, except what I learned to give myself. I deserve that type of love from another, and I know God would say I do as well. And although I haven’t gotten that yet and often think lately of just giving up on life altogether, I’m NOT going to take my life. I’m just choosing to share the depth of my pain and my truth with the world, something God has helped me learn to do so transparently, and something my parents never did. And I know in doing so, I won’t let happen to me, what happened to them…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
