The Unwritten Sponsorship Confidentiality Contract

At just about every 12 Step recovery meeting I’ve ever attended, the importance of anonymity is usually emphasized by the chairperson when they read the words “Whom you see here, what you hear here, stays here.” But I believe there is another level of confidentiality in recovery that’s just as important as this, and it’s the one that comes with sponsorship.

Confidentiality is something that should never be taken lightly. Most of those who find their way into the 12 Step rooms often arrive completely broken with serious trust issues. I was once one of them and the first struggle I went through because of it was in trusting my sponsor.

While a sponsor is not meant to be a therapist nor in most cases do they even have the qualifications to be one, it is quite normal for a sponsee to discuss with them many deeply personal issues about their past or present. In fact, those personal issues can also frequently be things that a sponsee has never even shared with another individual. With that being said, there’s this unwritten contract of confidentiality that generally comes with being a sponsor. As the sponsee goes through the 12 Steps, little by little that trust in their sponsor will grow. And the more they place trust in their sponsor, the more they normally will end up sharing with them. And the more they normally end up sharing with their sponsor, the more they’re able to free themselves from the poison they’ve carried for so many years all on their own. But if a sponsor should ever break their trust and this unwritten contract of confidentiality, not only can it sever their working relationship, it can also seriously undermine the sponsee’s recovery as well. In some cases, it can even drive some of them to a relapse.

I was given a clear reminder to the importance of this confidentiality recently with one of the people I sponsor. There was something that was shared privately to me during one of my weekly step work meetings with this sponsee many months ago. It was a piece of information that I had urged this sponsee to share in a meeting as well after being told it, as I knew it would help them get more honest in their recovery. Eventually they did but I made the mistake recently in assuming it was something I could now openly discuss with a close friend of this sponsee. It wasn’t, as I learned that even though it had been openly shared with others, it ended up angering my sponsee so much to the point where they felt they couldn’t trust me anymore. Because of my action, this sponsee let me go as their sponsor. I ended up having to make a 10th Step amends to this sponsee because I clearly saw that I had made a judgment call in error. But the blessing in all of this came after that when the sponsee contacted me about a week later and accepted my amends and then decided I was still trustworthy enough to continue forward with me as their sponsor. I was extremely grateful to God for this lesson in confidentiality and being given the second chance.

So I learned even more through all of this that being a sponsor to someone else in recovery is a gift and not something to ever be taken lightly. While there are many highs and lows of sponsorship, one of the most treasured things in being one is watching a sponsee spiritually grow. But for that to happen, it is of the upmost importance to maintain an unwritten contract of confidentiality in every way. Breaking that on any level will only harm the sponsor/sponsee relationship and the sponsee’s ability to recover from their addiction. Upholding it though, can definitely forge a beautiful connection between two souls where God can truly work in amazing ways in the recovery for both…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Sexual Banter And Its Effects On A Sex And Love Addict

There once was a time where I was that typical guy who enjoyed sitting around with other guys and talking about nothing but sexual things. It never really mattered to me whether they were gay or straight either. I just liked to talk about anything related to sex because I was addicted to it even though I didn’t know it. Back then I was probably the king of sexual innuendos as well, solely because I could never go for more than a minute or two without making one. With that being said, one of the biggest arenas I found this addiction able to flourish was amongst most groups of gay men I hung around.

I can honestly say I have no idea why gay men like to sit around and make sexual references more than not. I can say why I once liked it though. That’s pretty obvious given the fact that I’m now a recovering sex and love addict. Regardless, perhaps the same can also be said of some groups of heterosexual men, but I genuinely never witnessed that happening as much with those I’ve hung around. Maybe I just never spent as much time in those types of situation to find out. Either way, I’ve seen this occurring in most of the groups of gay men I’ve ever spent time with. Case in point recently, I went on a camping trip with a few gay friends where it seemed as if there was a sexual reference being made every few minutes. While this would have suited me just fine a few years ago, I truly struggle with it now. The best comparison I can make as to why that is deals with that of a recovering alcoholic.

For most recovering alcoholics, there’s an age old adage that says if a person hangs around a barbershop long enough they’re eventually going to get a haircut. What that saying really means is that when a sober person hangs around a bar long enough, they’re eventually going to have a drink. Well the same can be said of a person like me who’s a recovering sex and love addict. Spending extended periods of time around people who constantly talk about sex on any level only drives me to do the exact same behavior. And the more I do it, the more I take one step closer to a full relapse back into that addiction. My wake up call to all of this actually came during this camping trip I went on recently.

When I found myself throwing out a sexual innuendo or two and thinking about acting out in some old toxic patterns on this trip, I realized I was in an unhealthy situation for my recovery. I need to point out that it wasn’t the other people that made this trip unhealthy for me; it was the conversations I kept listening to that were, given my sex and love addiction. While I can handle being around sexual banter in limited quantities, having several days of it in a row definitely took its toll on me. I’m just grateful I realized all of this after the weekend ended because if I hadn’t, I might have continued to fall back into more of my old addiction patterns upon returning home and thankfully I didn’t.

My main point is that I truly can’t afford to ever go back to any of those days when I did such things as spend countless hours looking at porn or talking sexually to vast numbers of people 24/7. I’ve made incredible leaps in my spiritual growth since then solely because of my 12 Step recovery work. And it’s that work that led me to a Higher Power who reminds me from time to time what’s healthy for me, and what’s not, like I was clearly reminded of during this camping trip.

While I’m not sure if I’ll ever understand why it is that sexual banter becomes the norm when a group of gay men get together, the fact is it generally does. Simply put, being around that for any extended length of time is not healthy for me, given that I’m a recovering sex and love addict. It’s also not something I consider to be in alignment with my spirituality anymore either. So I’ve decided that the next time I get around any group of men, gay or straight, talking sexually, I’m just going to excuse myself. Because ultimately, that’s the absolute healthiest thing I can do for my recovery and my spiritual growth in life.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Time It Takes To Heal From My Past Wreckage

It’s been about two and a half years now since I last acted out in any addiction, yet I find I’m still occasionally paying the price for many of my past transgressions and that’s been extremely frustrating. It took a gentle reminder from someone else recently that a few years free from a life of addictions doesn’t necessarily mean it will remove all the pain and anguish from those who directly suffered at the hands of my disease.

The fact is I created a lot of wreckage in my life, especially during all the years I was active in my sex and love addiction. The two people probably harmed the most from this disease were my closest friend in recovery and my sister. Each watched time and time again as I’d push them away and then pull them back. Sadly, at one point neither truly wanted anything to do with me because they were so tired of getting their hearts hurt by my actions.

As part of my process of recovery from this addiction-based life, I began doing a living amends to show them, as well as everyone else, that I wasn’t going to return to that old toxic self anymore. After a year passed of me doing this, I saw my relationship growing closer again with both this friend and my sister. But things weren’t going as smoothly in this process with everyone else that hadn’t been as close to me at one point in time like these two had. One minor incident of selfishness or self-centeredness often landed me right back into a comparison of that old toxic self.

While I could spend weeks, and even months, being completely free of all selfish and self-centered behaviors that once were constant in my active days of addiction, a single incident of either would frequently cause many to judge that I hadn’t changed at all. By the time almost two years had passed with me being free from all these old addictions, I was thankfully given a fresh start and a clean slate when I moved to the Toledo area.

Here, people never knew my former sick addiction-based self or ever suffered at the hands of my disease. That’s been a wonderful blessing in disguise as I’m finally seeing what healthy friendships look like in life. Unfortunately, that’s still not the case though with this closest friend in recovery or my sister. Both at times have copped fast resentments with me when I’ve done even a small behavior that reminds them of that old addiction-based self.

Recently, that happened specifically with this closest friend of mine from recovery. I had gone three weeks without hearing back from him on any of my phone calls and I honestly believed it was completely unrelated to me at all. But when I finally did hear back from him, it actually was my past conduct that was still haunting him. He told me that there had been two minor incidents of my old behaviors over the past year that had resurfaced some of the past wounds I had inflicted upon him. He realized he hadn’t fully healed from all of it and needed more time and space from me to work through the rest of it.

Initially I became very frustrated with him because I truly thought we had worked through all of this. But when that person gently reminded me that the healing process from my past wreckage takes time and that two years of recovery doesn’t necessarily erase two decades of addiction-based damage, I immediately understood. I sincerely have to thank my Higher Power for receiving this gentle reminder, as it’s taught me this very valuable lesson.

I realize now the only thing I can really do is to just give this friend, my sister, and everyone else who suffered at the hands of my addictions, as much time and space as they need to heal. But even more importantly, I know I must keep doing what I’ve been doing in my recovery to stay entirely free from all of my former addictions. And hopefully in time with doing so, all of those who still hurt from any of my past wreckage will find the healing they truly deserve…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson