In And Out Of The Closet

It really is sometimes quite difficult being gay and in a same-sex relationship, even in this day and age. Even though there are a lot more laws in place to protect people like me, even though a bunch of states have legalized marriage, and even though there are many more supporters of gay rights, I still have a lot of fear about what it means to me to be fully out of the closet.

I believe that coming out of the closet will look and feel different for each and every individual who ends up going through this process. Initially, when I did so, it came in the form of a declaration to my family that I was attracted more to a man than a woman. But over the years since then I have come to feel that there are many more stages to this process, some of which I know I went through, and some of which I know I still haven’t.

When this process began as I told my parents I was attracted to men, I had to overcome an incredible amount of fear to do so. My biggest worry back then was their rejection. I’ve seen over the years how many other mothers and fathers completely disowned their children because of their sexual preference and thankfully I never had to go through that. My father completely accepted me when I told him, and while my mother never totally embraced that part of me, she did do her best to continue loving me as her only son.

As the years went on after this initial coming out process, I would go through the various other stages of stepping out of that closet. Some of that would include going to a gay bar, joining a gay bowling league, going on a gay date, and getting into a gay relationship. Each of those actions involved me walking through additional fear and taking several more steps outside of that closet. But the biggest challenge to my coming out process began when I tried to intermix with other heterosexual people as a homosexual. That’s when the rejections began popping up everywhere.

There were multiple “not welcomed” stamps given to me from various churches. There were many “I can’t be your friend” stamps handed to me by people I thought were close. There were even jobs that let me go because of my sexuality preference. Each of these things led me in the complete opposite direction of where I was headed with my sexuality and soon I found myself going back into that closet.

First I started saying I was bi-sexual because I saw how that seemed to gain more acceptance by society. Next, I started dating women again even though I felt little to no connection with them. Then I began going to the same type of churches that had denied me entrance as a member. And finally, I began hanging out with those very people who felt begin gay was a sin.

I thank God that I eventually woke up and saw what I was doing to myself. I realized I had almost fully denied who I was. That’s when I began to start my coming out process all over again by taking a few steps out of the closet once again. I walked away from those people who were around me that had racism towards gay people. I avoided those churches and places of employment that held very right wing stances towards homosexuals. And I began surrounding myself with all those who were in support and love of all walks of life including gay people such as me.

Over the past two years since then, life has definitely changed for me. I’m not afraid anymore to be in a relationship with a gay man. I don’t let others try to convince me that being gay is a sin because it’s not; only man ever said it was. And I embrace everyone equally as I would want the same of myself. In other words, I practice what I preach. Unfortunately there are still two obstacles I face to walking fully out of that closet and they deal with public affection and telling brand new friends about my sexual preference.

With public affection, it’s still rare to see two men walking around holding hands or even kissing in most places in this world. Often when it does happen, it’s only in very “gay-based” areas or it’s received with jeers and taunts or even a bashing. My fear of this leads me to withhold my love and affection for my partner, even if a romantic moment should strike me when we’re out and about. Thus, on some level, I’m still in the closet with who I am because of this.

In regards to the new friends who enter my life, especially in the recovery from addictions world, I have occasionally found myself talking in third person terms about my partner using words such as “they, them, or their” instead of him or he. When I share at meetings, I usually don’t discuss anything about my personal relationship either. Most of this stems from the massive loss of friendships I’ve had over the years with people who haven’t been able to accept me for who I am. Thus here too, I’m still in the closet with who I am.

So on some level I know I’ve been in and out of the closet for years and I truly hope to one day be able to walk away from it for good. I pray for a world that doesn’t allow religious views to lead everyone to believe that being gay is wrong and a sin. I pray for a world that doesn’t look down upon two men or two women walking hand in hand together. And I pray for a world that becomes filled with a lot more love and light so that all of us who are gay can step fully out of that closet once and for all. Until then, I will continue to do my best to overcome my fears and strive for a life where I don’t find myself stepping in and out of the closet anymore.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Front-Page Treatment Of Gay Divorces

USA Today had an article on the front-page of its website the other day that was titled “First openly gay Episcopal bishop divorces husband.” After reading the first few lines of it, I began to wonder why a gay couple divorcing should even be front-page news.

Prior to gay marriage ever being legal in any of the United States, there was an average of 2 heterosexual divorces per minute when calculated out over the entire year. Rarely, if ever, did a single one of them receive front-page news unless it dealt with a famous person or couple. But here was a homosexual couple getting just that, and it’s not the first that I’ve seen in recent years. Some of the original same-sex marriages in various states where it became legal have also gone through divorce and they too made front-page headlines when it happened. So why have these very few gay divorces ended up receiving front-page treatment when the excessively large amount of heterosexual ones that are occurring every few minutes don’t?

Well in the case of the gay bishop, Gene Robinson, his original notoriety came from being the first openly gay man to be elected as a leader in the Episcopal Church in 2003. His election ending up causing a divide within the Episcopal community and resulted in formation of the Anglican Church. I remember celebrating his appointment after reading the front-page news all the years ago that covered this event. I saw it as a step forward in achieving full equality for the gay community. But zoom forward to over a decade later and now the news is focusing in on a sad time for the same man. His divorce from his partner only adds to a growing stereotype that gay marriages don’t last and this is the precise reason why many of the news outlets cover these types of divorces.

Case in point, as I mentioned already, there have been several divorces by some of those couples that fought for gay marriage rights in various states. And just as Robinson’s divorce landed front-page news, so too has each of these. The main picture that’s being painted with this is that same-sex couples aren’t strong and healthy and any of their marriages won’t last.

What’s disappointing is that there are plenty of gay marriages that have endured quite happily for years and years and are still together, but none of them have received any front-page news. The news also hasn’t covered the vast majority of the 2,400 heterosexual divorces that occur per day. So what’s the message that’s really being portrayed when the media shows another same-sex marriage is ending in divorce? It’s that a gay marriage isn’t that strong and won’t last unlike a heterosexual marriage. And although that’s a completely false representation of the real truth, it’s what people will believe.

It’s truly sad to say but people believe everything they read in those news headlines and all it does it polarize us all even more to opposite corners. The real truth is NOT that gay marriages are weak, it’s that ALL marriages BOTH gay and straight, are falling apart these days. Close to 50 percent of all marriages are ending in today’s day and age. That’s the real data and it’s not just about homosexual couples, it’s about heterosexual ones too. It has to make people wonder what the foundation was in of all of these divorcing relationships. I know it has at least in my case and I definitely know that when I get married, that my Higher Power will be at the center of it and not my ego and selfish desires.

Regardless, I pray that the media will stop covering these same-sex divorces because it’s only going to end up separating people in society with opposing opinions about equality and gay marriage. As an alternative, why not focus on all the happy marriages that have lasted for years and years, both gay and straight? Why not start covering the reasons why they have lasted so long? If we do, then maybe then we all might stop caring about whether gay marriage is right or wrong and instead place the focus on having better long lasting relationships…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

A Test Of Lust And Temptation

I am totally convinced that there are always going to various tests to each of our spiritual walks in life. They frequently come in the least suspecting ways and are often in those areas that have proven to be the most challenging for us to deal with. In my case, one of those tests came in the form of a very simple e-mail I received late last night.

This test began when I checked for any new e-mail on my Iphone in the earlier part of the evening. I noticed there was a single one that had come from my website’s submission page so I clicked it open. Soon after, I realized it was from someone who had been a huge part of my former active addiction-based years. Without going into too much detail, let me just say that it was from a man who was the mirror image at one time of my own sex and love based addiction. But even more importantly to admit is the thing that connected the two of us together for many years and that was lust.

Lust is something that took me away from my Higher Power time and time and time again. It’s something that led me into sexual behaviors with people who weren’t healthy for my spiritual growth. And it’s something that ended up making me extremely spiritually sick each time I engaged in it. Thankfully I immersed myself into the 12 Steps a few years ago and started to draw much closer to my Higher Power. Through all of that work I learned I needed to cut off contact from anyone or anything that triggered me into my sex and love addiction. And the man who had sent me that e-mail last night was close to the top of that list.

Have you ever had to face one of these types of situations where you knew what you needed to do, but your ego was telling you otherwise? This man was someone I spent days, weeks, months, and even years, fantasizing about, lusting over, and occupying a large part my life. In other words, I allowed his presence to completely consume a huge part of me. While I knew instantly when I got his e-mail that I needed to delete it, my mind kept saying, “It’s ok, respond and say hello, you’re stronger now!

This is addiction at it’s very best and worst. It’s what addiction does to someone and how it’s leads a person back into a relapse. It tries to tell you in a very innocent way that it will be better this time around. But what really is going on underneath those coy words is that the addiction is looking for a way to rear its ugly head again. To maintain sobriety and recovery, an alcoholic can NEVER take a single drink again, an addict can NEVER take a single drug again, a chronic gambler can NEVER go to a casino again, and a sex and love addict can NEVER give into their triggers again either.

And thankfully I didn’t!

I have a lot of gratitude this morning to my Higher Power for making the right decisions last night. Not only did I delete that e-mail without responding, I was also fully honest with my partner about it as well. My truth is that I don’t ever want to go back to the darkness I once lived in with that addiction. It destroyed my life, maybe even more than my alcohol and drug addiction did.

Whether that man I once lusted over and was tempted with regularly is healthier today or not doesn’t really matter. And whether I’m stronger or not in my life these days doesn’t really matter either. What truly matters is that I stay away from testing those waters ever again, because there’s a good chance if I do test them, I’m going to jump fully into them again, even if they are frigid or boiling hot to the touch.

So the bottom line is this. Whether you are recovering from an addiction or not, there’s always going to be tests that come to us in the least suspecting ways. Each is an opportunity for growth to see what’s more important in our life, our ego or our desire to be more spiritually grounded with our Higher Power. Choose the latter and your life is going to be filled with a lot less ups and downs and whole heck of lot more love and light.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson