I’m going through a storm right now and have been for some time. I long for the sun to part through the clouds I see on most days. Some days are better than others. At the moment, this seems to be one of them as I have a little more clarity on my perspective with God on what I am going through.
For the past year, I have been enduring chronic pain physically, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. I haven’t taken any medications because of my sensitivity and side-effect prone nature to each one I’ve ever tried. Instead, I’ve used holistic healing, prayer, meditation, mantras, and writing to keep me going, especially on those days when the pain seems too great to go on. While many might disagree with this approach, I believe what I am going through is a cleansing of all the toxic stuff I did to myself for over 20 years, if not longer.
Looking back just a few years ago when all of this began at the end of April of 2010, I have realized there was no way I would be handling the level of pain I do now and still be functioning day to day. Back then when it started, I resorted to a 911 call to God asking for all of it to go away immediately. There wasn’t a day or even a moment where I wasn’t begging God for this in the first year. God didn’t answer those 911 prayers in the way that I wanted, but I believe God answered them in the way that I needed. Since then, I have ceased living in all of the unhealthy behaviors I was engaging in regularly. I have removed all the unhealthy attachments I had to people who I allowed to keep me in the dark. I have learned how to enjoy being by myself. I have gone back to the joy of reading again and expanding my awareness because of it. I have found new friends and re-established old ones who are seeking the same things I am without any hidden agendas. I have a partner now who loves me unconditionally. I have found holistic practitioners that take extra time with me and have been successful in helping me remove a lot of junk from deep within my whole being. I have become more active in my 12 Step Recovery, speaking regularly about my own experience, strength, and hope to others still suffering from their addictions. And I have been developing an ability to write with inspiration about all of this.
The interesting thing about all of this pain that I have been going through these past few years is how my perspective of it is changing as time moves forward. If God had answered my prayers back then as I had intended them, I believe I would still be having a relationship with a married person. I believe I would still be looking at porn on most days. I believe I would still be angry and negative about pretty much everything in my life. I believe I would still have a significant number of people in my life that were using and abusing me. I believe I would still hate being by myself doing anything alone. And I believe I would still be trying to run the show in every facet of my life and that God would still be in the passenger seat waiting for me to crash my car again.
As my perspective of what I’m going through has changed so has my prayers to God. Now I just seek to do God’s will and ask for strength to make it through all of what I am going through. I ask God to be open to all of the love being sent to me. I ask to be open to any signs of reassurance that God may send me on any given day. And most importantly, I ask God to simply just help me endure all of what it is I am going through until God is ready for it to end. For I know that if all those good things have happened to me in having to go through this pain for the past three years, I can only imagine how great the finish line may look once all this toxicity is out of me.
I know today that God was at the starting line giving me support when I began this journey to clear my life of all the things that have prevented me from serving God in every way I can. I know that God has been there providing me life sustaining water to keep me from giving up or going back to the starting line. And I know that God will be there at the end waiting to give me a warm embrace and congratulations on keeping my faith and hope alive all this time.
Don’t get me wrong, there are still plenty of days that I find myself wishing I could be at that finish line already from this clearing process. I groan quite often when one of my spiritual teachers tells me that Rome wasn’t built in a day and to keep on, keeping on. But from all the positive changes that have happened to me so far in these past three years, I know she’s probably right. So I continue to trust in God as best as I can, and maintain an inner belief that I am receiving what I need, and not what I want, and that it’s most likely for my greatest highest good.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson