It’s amazing how my brain tells me I can’t do something quite often. And it’s even more amazing that when I can get out of my brain and into my heart and soul, I’m able to do just the things it says I can’t.
Last night, as I was attempting to get myself to sleep, my brain continued to tell me that there was no way I was going to be able to make a 12 to 13 hour drive I would be attempting to make the next morning to visit my partner (we currently live apart). Normally I would fly but with financial issues looming, I opted to drive for the first time. Even more interesting is that he doesn’t even know I’m visiting, it’s a surprise for our anniversary which is February 25th.
So as I lay there reciting mantra after mantra, doing breath work and trying to get myself to fall asleep five hours sooner than my normal bed time, I drifted in and out of an anxiety based state. If you’ve read any of my previous postings you’ll know by now that I handle day to day chronic pain currently in my life. Sitting or standing for extended periods is quite a challenge. The anxiety finally got the best of me this morning bringing me fully awake at 4:00am. After my morning prayer, mantras, and chakra balance, I was on the road with the clock reading 5:20am. The clock hadn’t passed a complete hour before I had already thought many times about turning around. But, there was a thought that was more silent and more subtle. It was one telling me that this was a lesson in my life to learn.
I’ve been going through chronic pain now since April 20th, 2010 and have been healing slowly. I have chosen to heal holistically which is a much longer process than taking prescription drugs and having invasive medical procedures done. For the last few years I have battled the same feelings about this healing like I was about the drive this morning. I have wanted to give up, to pop some pills, to go back to my old addictions, or have surgery done to see if maybe it might help somehow with any of what I feel every day. It’s almost been three years now since that day it all began to manifest on a physical level. The progress I have made to change my way of living and become healthier on every level has been arduous but fulfilling. And I’m still moving forward, one day at a time. Really, one moment at a time. And I haven’t chosen to go back to any of my old behaviors or go get that surgery doctors aren’t even confident will help.
So back to my drive and how this all relates. Within that first hour of my drive as some of my pain kicked in and the doubt crept in, I made a decision. I made a commitment. I’m not going to go back. Not in this. Not in my healing. Not in anything that is going to bring me closer to becoming a spiritual warrior for God. I’m tired of giving up. My father and mother gave up and cut their lives short by their own actions. Their parents gave up as well suffering tragic endings too. I’ve seen a lot of tragedy in my family with a lot of throwing in the towel. I made a decision in my life that I wouldn’t follow in their footsteps. My decision today to go through with this drive, and my decision to keep healing holistically, is all part of a bigger plan. One where God can one day use me as an inspiration for others who are going through trials and tribulations. Giving up on my drive, giving up on my healing, and giving up on my life, would prevent that dream from happening.
Incidentally, I’m writing this now in a Starbucks at my destination. Along the way, I made several stops to get out and stretch when I started to feel overwhelmed. I followed within the speed limit and actually arrived three hours sooner than I was supposed to.
I feel pretty amazing right now. Regardless of the pain, I’ve had a smile on my face and thanked God for giving me the strength to get here. My partner has no idea yet that I’m here. He’s in school right now and because I arrived early, I have time to kill that I didn’t expect I would have. It’s funny how these things happen. It’s funny how when I shut the old tapes off and made a decision from my spirit, what I can accomplish.
While the drive may seem like a small thing, it’s really not. It represents a small victory in the bigger picture of my life. One that I am going to win with God at the center of it. I am healing holistically. It has taken awhile, and I know there is never an end to the generic healing process one goes through in life to getting closer to Source. But what I do know is that there will be an end to these short term chronic pain issues that I’ve been dealing with as long as I keep going, putting one foot in front of the other, and telling myself just like the little red engine did, that I can do it too.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson