Daily Reflection

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. ‘” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Having spent much of my adult life working on all the broken parts of my past, I’ve found myself lately wondering if any of it has done any bit of good because it really seems as if all the things I thought I worked through already have been resurfacing again.

Agnosticism and doubting God even exists, deep insecurity, overly needy, high maintenance, irritable and short-tempered, negative thinking, and living in active addiction, each were things I spent countless hours working through over many years in 12 Step recovery, personal therapy, men’s groups, and the like, which by the end of 2014 I was mostly free of. I’d go so far as to say I was feeling extremely confident on my spiritual journey moving into 2015. Sadly, as my health issues began to rapidly intensify after that, many of these issues began to resurface again, which has left me wondering if God has a plan for me to ever prosper again.

Other than a five-day period of incredible relief in late August of 2017, where I felt God’s presence and trusted I was exactly where I was meant to be on this healing path, I’ve had no other moments of major relief. Plenty have said I’m crazy and even dumb for not choosing to take something to cope with it. Some have even suggested that maybe God was talking through them to tell me to medicate. A few even have gone so far as to suggest that maybe God doesn’t exist and that he’s just some “guy in the sky” one creates to cope when they’re in chronic pain. While I didn’t embark upon this path of natural healing initially specifically to grow closer to God, as it was more to just clean up a mind and body I had abused for too many years and lives, it has become the predominant thing I’ve sought now.

Lately though, I have so very little confidence in myself and in God, especially on days when my pain seems to control my words and actions more than not, but somehow, I still cling to a shard of faith, which in of itself I guess doesn’t qualify me for agnosticism yet. Living in pain though, for long periods of time with little to no relief on most days, truly does do a number on one’s faith. If you’ve ever been sick or ailing for long periods of time, then you’ll know what I mean. All of this has made it hard to remember what it feels like to be at peace, to know joy, or even by happy with anything. Yet, I continue to resist the urges of the world telling me to medicate or take things like CBD or medical marijuana because it simply doesn’t feel like the path God wants me to be on or what my soul energy even desires.

So, as people continue to tell me what I’m doing isn’t working and that I really need to change something up, I’m doing my best to keep trusting I’m doing exactly what I’m meant to with my health and healing. While my mind may not want to believe in this anymore, I cling to the promise of Jeremiah 29:11, that God still has a plan for me to prosper, one where my future is filled with hope and light…

Dear God, please help me to keep trusting You still have a plan for me to prosper in this life.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Daily Reflection

“We have become masters of projection, pushing the responsibility for our own thoughts outward, so that the consequences of our own thoughts become someone else’s problems.” (Darren Main)

Often it really feels like I’m a magnet for people to dump their crap onto, projecting their own life’s misery outward, blaming me for their own personal drama and baggage of life. It’s been that way ever since I was a kid with an alcoholic mother doing it to me with regularity. Nowadays, I find myself struggling immensely with this, with taking ownership of someone else’s problems.

For example, just because I’m still unvaccinated from COVID, doesn’t mean I’m the cause of the virus, or the cause of anyone’s death from it, or an anti-vaxxer, or an evangelical who doesn’t believe in this specific vaccine, or anything of the sort, because I’m none of those whatsoever. Yet I’ve been accused of being each of those things many times over from others, all because I remain presently unvaccinated, where most never take the time to really understand or accept my personal situation.

Another great example is this. Just because I’m outside at times for hours every single day, cleaning up my yard and two others, and even sweeping a good portion of street around me of debris, doesn’t mean that that the noise I make doing so during the normal hours of the day is the true source of two neighbors’ anger at me. It’s merely a projection they place their anger on.

One final example is what I wrote about in a previous blog where I made an honest mistake on the road one day, narrowly missing another driver in the process. It brought out road rage from them, where they ended up pursuing me for a good 15 minutes, doing their best to scare me, when none of their toxic anger was about me whatsoever.

Lately, it seems like the world is filled with this, with one person after another blaming someone or something else for the source of all their anger and frustrations of life, when the real source of it is themselves. It’s taken me a long while to see this because I once was that person who always looked outward in anger for my inward anger.

I typically get great reminders of this in my current relationship with my partner Chris. At times I fall back into this illusion and find myself projecting my anger onto him, and he with me, when in reality, we’re both broken individuals lashing out at each other.

In the end, I believe the only way to fully deflect this, is to keep working on my own inner peace, as truly, when one is filled with true inner peace, it doesn’t matter how much anger and projection is thrown my way, because when it is, that peace will help me see it’s not about me, it’s about them.

Gracious and most Heavenly God, I pray for help in seeing the true source of all my anger and frustrations of life isn’t about anyone else, but me. Help me come to peace surrounding all my circumstances of life, so that when others project any of their unwarranted anger my way, that Your peace will help me rise above it all, enough so that I’ll no longer own anyone else’s baggage in life.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Daily Reflection

“Everyone makes mistakes, if you can’t forgive others, don’t expect others to forgive you.” (Unknown)

I was driving on a highway a few weeks ago when I went into the next lane on my right. What I didn’t know was a car was already there in my blind spot. Thankfully, I didn’t hit them, which they let me know I was in the wrong with a strong blow of their horn. I was honestly grateful for the warning, as without it, my mistake could have turned into a major fender bender. What I didn’t know was going to happen was what came next. After realizing my mistake, I sped up and got away from the car, to give them enough space. I then got into the lane I needed to be for my upcoming exit. Suddenly, the other driver sped up and cut in front of me, braking hard, as if trying to set a strong example of how wrong I was. I became nervous over the situation, as I’ve seen things like this lately go very sideways and end in violence. So, I went back into the left lane and sped up enough to get several cars away from the individual. They proceeded to then follow me, right on my car’s tail end. When I came to my exit, I waited to the last second and then turned onto it, which they did as well. I wanted to believe I was just imagining what was happening, but I wasn’t. When I reached the next light that I normally go straight through to head home, I abruptly turned right, as did they. Now I was heading away from my home with an obviously very angry person still following me. When I reached the next stop sign, I took a right, which they did as well, keeping right with me. I became really scared at that point because there have been cases of serious road rage around here. I decided to drastically speed up at that point purposely trying to evade this person, which eventually I thankfully did.

Why people struggle to forgive mistakes like this and instead resort to anger and sometimes even violence, I don’t know. I’ve had many people almost hit me, cut me off, and sometimes even worse on the roads, which I simply just silently forgive them and let them be on their merry way. I rarely ever resort to even blowing my horn unless they don’t realize I’m there. Never do I feel the need to teach someone a lesson, to intimidate, or threaten anyone for a mistake they’ve made, regardless of what it is. I’ve learned far and wide in my life, that mistakes happen, and everyone is worthy and deserving of forgiveness, for even the worst of mistakes. And truly, if I can’t forgive, no matter what the mistake is, why should anyone ever forgive me when I make a mistake. Nevertheless, hopefully this angry driver who felt the need to follow me for over 15 minutes on the road may find forgiveness for whatever is going on in their life that would lead them to do such a thing in the first place, as I know ultimately this wasn’t really about me. Regardless, I’m quite sure whatever it is, that they were looking to diffuse their anger on anything, which I just happen to be the recipient of in that moment when I made the mistake. Mistakes happen. I only pray this individual may learn to forgive the next time it does.

Dear God, may I always forgive when a person makes a mistake that affects me, no matter what it is, as I know I’d want forgiveness if I made one, just as much as I know that not forgiving someone’s mistake is only going to cause me more harm to my spiritual journey than good.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson