“His silence was part of the rescue…” (Lysa Terkeurst)
I read a devotional last week that was about a woman (Lysa Terkeurst) who woke up one morning with her insides feeling as if knives were mercilessly carving their way through them. She was rushed to the hospital immediately and being a devout follower of God, she began crying out for the pain to be taken away. It wasn’t and not for five excruciatingly long days. During each of them, she wondered where God was, wondered if God even saw what she was going through, and wondered whether God even cared. Eventually, the doctors ran one final test after finding nothing in any of the previous ones and discovered that the right side of her colon had ripped away from the abdominal wall and twisted around the left side. It had been in danger of rupturing and if it had, she would have gotten the relief she sought, but at the same time, that relief would have been an illusion, as her body would have turned septic and led to a quick death. When the emergency surgery was completed shortly thereafter the discovery of the source of her pain, the surgeon told her that the cells in her colon were already in a state of autolysis, which is where the brain has signaled the body to start self-digesting itself. In other words, it was in a decomposition state and what happens when one dies. Basically, she couldn’t have gotten any closer to death and the incredible pain she went through was what saved her life in the end. Had God answered her prayer and taken all her pain away, she most likely would have gone home, her colon would have ruptured there, her body would have turned septic and she would have died.
I found great inspiration from Lysa’s story. While I’ve never dealt with her level of pain that was great enough to warrant an immediate visit to the hospital, I have known pain to a level that has made my life a living hell. There have been countless days over the years I’ve suffered from it, where I have cried out to God, asking for it to be removed, only to receive silence over and over and over again. But maybe there has been a reason beyond my understanding for this? Maybe God’s silence has been part of my own rescue? While the circumstances may indeed be very different in regards to Lysa’s story and mine, I have been told more times than I can count from various practitioners, teachers, seers, gurus, and guides that the pain I’ve been experiencing is actually my body healing itself. For as much as that has been hard to believe and accept, something deep within me has told me to keep on trusting in that, even when I awake on most days, wishing for an imminent death. Living with chronic pain and not feeling like God has been answering my prayers or even listening to me, has led to an incredible test of faith, one that I honestly don’t know how I’ve lasted this long. Yet, I have. And somehow, I keep on believing that maybe, just maybe, God’s silence on the removal of my pain and suffering for all this time, has merely been to continue driving me on the path I’ve been on for healing. One that is bringing a much deeper healing from within, and one that will lead to a resolution that only God has seen will achieve the very end result that would never have been possible if God had answered any of my many cries for it all to be taken away.
Dear Lord, I struggle immensely every day now to keep going. With no relief in sight and no tangible answers to my pleas for relief, I have wrestled with my faith and wondered if You even care. Yet, I choose to keep on believing and to keep on trusting, that maybe, just maybe, your silence has been part of my rescue, and for that I only pray for the strength to not give up on You or this healing. Amen.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson