Grateful Heart Monday

It’s Grateful Heart Monday, a time solely reserved for expression of gratitude from my life, which for today is for still having faith in God, even when there seems to not be any reason to keep that faith anymore.

Yes, I know this sounds rather drab and maybe not even sounding very grateful at all for a Grateful Heart Monday entry. But let me assure you, having this type of faith still in light of how I feel and been feeling for as long as I have, especially throughout most of 2020, is most definitely something to be grateful for in my life.

As I write this, (a week ago from when this actually is being posted), I feel every bit of despondency within. As most know, I’ve really struggled to keep going lately with all the health issues and chronic pain I continue to face after so many years of this now. In the past bunch of months, I’ve actually wished for my death more than I’d like to admit, but still remained grateful to those who continue to pray for me to keep going and acknowledged that as my piece of gratitude a few Monday’s ago. Regardless, somehow, I’ve continued to hold onto my faith in God as well, even though there are countless moments now where I feel like I shouldn’t anymore.

To be totally honest, having suffered for as long as I have with a number of painful ailments, no matter what I’ve tried to do to make any of them better, I still cling to my faith in God. Because you see without my faith, a faith that God still has a plan for me that’s far better than a life filled with daily bouts of chronic ailments, I feel there would be no reason for me to keep going.

I wholeheartedly believe this type of faith I’m living every day now is what you would call blind faith. Blind faith is something that transcends all rational thought. It’s when you dig your heels in the ground and hold your trust and belief that God won’t let you down, even when it feels like he already has and has totally abandoned you.

It was easy to have faith when God gave me lots of signs to keep going, when I felt every bit of God’s presence through even the most difficult of days. But now, in constant anguish and tears that typically start each of my days, and without experiencing any of those signs and presences of God for a long time, I STILL look to God anyway to get me through all this, which is exactly what I’ve come to know is blind faith. So, I trudge on by remaining grateful, grateful that I still have my faith in God, even when I can’t seem to even find enough energy to put a smile on my face, like I totally struggled with today.

It’s so hard to going on living like this and I cannot fathom why God wants me to keep suffering like this for as long as I have with no relief, no matter how many attempts I’ve made to ease it. Of course, I know there are plenty of others out there suffering just as much, if not more, but even that doesn’t seem to be of much help anymore in knowing that. The only thing that’s been of help is my blind faith, because it keeps propelling me forward, even on excruciatingly painful days like today, where I found myself angry at everything, including God, and even cursing the day I was born.

I would never wish this life upon anyone, and although I have a partner, as well as food, water, and shelter, each of which I’m grateful for, and although I have a sister who loves me, a few close friends who truly do care about me on levels I probably couldn’t even quantify, and plenty of people praying for me, none of that is what keeps me going anymore.

The only thing that keeps me going now is my blind faith in God, a type of faith that even though I don’t know why I keep on believing, I still do. I cling to this faith that I’ll be delivered from this life of pain-filled hell, and is precisely why I’ve dedicated today’s Grateful Heart Monday to the faith I still have. Because, I’ve arrived at a place in my life now where there seems to be no person, place, or thing that can convince me it’s worth it to keep going, yet my faith in God continues to do just that somehow and for that I’m filled with gratitude.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Grateful Heart Monday

Welcome to another iteration of my Grateful Heart Monday series, where gratitude is my only focus of my writing for the day, which for today is for all the things I’ve come to appreciate in life that once were things I never had an appreciation for, that is until my heart grew close to someone who did.

A few weeks ago, I was standing atop Fort Gratiot Lighthouse in Port Huron, Michigan, taking in the pristine view all around me, which included Canada just across the river, the Blue Water Bridge that led to it, the turquoise waters of Lake Huron, and the sandy beaches directly below me. I never used to have any appreciation for lighthouses and probably went past dozens of them regularly throughout my childhood travels simply ignoring their presence. But after spending seven years with a partner named Jerry whom I once loved very deeply, where one of his biggest passions in life was lighthouses, especially visiting them, I eventually saw the love for them through his eyes and fell in love with them myself. Ever since, I’ve done my best to visit as many of them as I can and am grateful that Jerry left me with a passion for a nautical treasure I never used to care about.

Walking around the grounds of the same lighthouse and around the waterfront of Port Huron nearby, there was something else that’s become a huge part in my life now as well, that I used to never care much about and that’s history. My current partner Chris loves history, in fact he once told me it was his favorite subject in school growing up. For the first bunch of years we were together, we went to a number of places that were considered historical, where those placards exist to solely provide tourists with a historical understanding of what’s directly in front or around them. As a kid I used to be so bored with these types of things and yawned my way through most museums, even when I went to places like the Louvre! I just rarely found any appreciation for history, except for something that was maybe was over a millennium old. But ever since meeting Chris, I’ve seen the importance of all types of history and take the time now to look at so many things considered historical, especially whenever we travel somewhere, like at Fort Gratiot and Port Huron. I found such an interest in taking a step back in time to well over 100 years prior when that lighthouse had active innkeepers and nearby was an active fort protecting the U.S. coastal waterways there.

It’s ironic as I write this and find myself pondering just how much of my life today really has become such the grateful conglomeration of passions for things I only grew to like because of my heart growing close to another. I see now how my love of bowling came solely from my first partner’s (also named Jerry) love for the game. I see now how my love for NASCAR came solely from a best friend named Randy’s love for the sport. I see now how my love of miniature golf came solely from my father’s love for the unique game. I see now how my love for sushi came solely from a close friend Keith’s love for it. I see now how my love for warm crackling fires in fireplaces came from my dear friend Dexter’s love for them. I see now how my love for playing cards and board games came solely from my mother love for both. And I see now how much my love for Christ and God and all 12 Step recovery came solely from the love my best friend Cedric always has had for each. The fact is, so much of who I am today with all the likes I have in life now, all stem from time spent with those I grew to love deeply, who had these passions to begin with that I never had much of a thirst for, that is until they came along and entered my heart.

Shooting pool, playing darts, visiting nature preserves, going to amusement parks, walking through haunted houses, hiking mountains, having domestic cats as pets, collecting crystals, holistic healing, and so much more have all been things I never used to like much at all or pay any mind towards, until God saw fit to bring into my life special individuals I grew to love, and opened my eyes a little wider each time.

So, as you can see, I truly am grateful today for so many things I initially had no interest in, that is until I met one unique individual after another in my life that I allowed my heart to connect to their, that through that process, I came to see the world in a vastly brighter way of appreciation.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Grateful Heart Monday

Welcome to another entry of Grateful Heart Monday, where gratitude remains the only subject of my writing for the day, which for today is for those who have never stopped praying for my health and healing ever since they first learned of all that I go through in that part of my life and have kept the faith.

People often want to help me with my health and healing and tend to offer advice and suggestions as that seems to always be the norm and usually first reaction when someone sees me suffering in pain. Unfortunately, having gone down a very long road over the past decade, trying so many avenues of things that were suggested might help, has only led to greater frustration and hair (that I honestly don’t have much of!) being pulled out. So, when people ask me now how they can help with my health, I ask for only one thing. To pray for me, on a daily basis, and to not stop until they know I’m better.

I have never fully given up on myself with this healing journey and have instead kept my faith in God that I will one day be healthier. After exhausting the medical world for help years ago where it eventually was left with my solutions all being to numb what I felt through concoctions of drugs, medical marijuana, CBD, Lyrica or Cymbalta, or pain killers, I opted to pursue other avenues, as I wasn’t looking to numb myself from the pain, I was looking to heal from it. So, I tried many other healing modalities, from acupuncture to chiropractic and everything in between, but sadly, all to no avail. Eventually, I came to acceptance that whatever was going on in my mind and body was beyond the help of science and medicine and holistic healing.

For the past four years or so, which I’d say has been the darkest period of this entire healing journey, I’ve prayed countless prayers for relief and to not give up on myself, as on more days than not, I’ve wanted to. Thankfully, God has not only put into my life some who truly get my frustration and know suggestions don’t help, but also who have had a sincere desire to pray for me on a regular basis and have.

Some of you have privately emailed me over the years and told me you’re praying for me, while others have told me in person. I’m quite sure there are others as well who have never told me personally that they too are lifting me up regularly in their prayerful routines.

Nevertheless, this really was but a simple entry today to just thank each of you who are praying for me, who haven’t stopped praying, and continue to keep the faith like I do, that God will one day deliver me completely out of these depths of despair over my health and into a much healthier state of mind and body.

While I know there are plenty who have suggested that after all this time, that maybe God doesn’t plan to take it away, I choose to see it differently and am thankful for all those who do as well and have kept praying for me because of it. I really believe it’s because of you prayer warriors that I’m still kicking and I truly am grateful for all of you, which is why I’m dedicating today’s Grateful Heart Monday to each of you for continuing to keep me in your prayers without ceasing…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson