Category: Healing From Chronic Pain And Illness

It’s 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, as I walk in the doors of a Bob Evans where I quickly greet my fellow group members who are already there for our monthly social get-together. My body is hurting pretty bad today and the last thing I feel capable of doing is being social with anyone. Yet I say hello and push on through with a few casual hugs and then immediately head to the bathroom for what seems like the millionth time to relieve myself. I stare at a cold wall in front of me once there and glance around to see if anyone else is around. Thankfully no one is so I cry out aloud and ask God to help me get through this. You see I do this often in places just like this, ones where I find myself alone, even though I feel pretty much alone everywhere I go these days.

When I emerge from the bathroom, the hostess asks us to follow her to our table. I promptly take my seat in the middle of it, but regret not sitting at the end where I could withdraw from conversation if I needed to. Oh well, I say in my head, as I proceed to look down at the menu. Trying to make a choice from one of its four pages seems next to impossible when a body is screaming in agony like mine is at the moment.

Should I get breakfast? Lunch? Dinner? Do I want a big meal or a small one? Maybe I should just eat nothing and starve myself out of self-pity. No, that’s ridiculous! I need to eat something as those two pieces of bacon and that banana I ate earlier were long gone from my stomach. I ultimately settle on the large grilled chicken salad, as maybe eating healthier might make me feel slightly better.

Suddenly, I hear at the table that our lead speaker for our meeting that night is a former sponsee who I abruptly parted ways with three years ago and not under the best circumstances. But instead of remaining silent about it, my pain overtakes me and I become negative with the words I start speaking.

That happens a lot when my pain levels get high, as trying to find words of positivity are often downright difficult when I hurt as bad as this. I begin breaking every one of my spiritual rules for the next ten minutes at the table, as I talk about this former sponsee, none of which comes out in any of Christ’s light. And by the end of it, I feel spiritually unclean and find my pain is hurting even more now. My words were more like gossip and I wasn’t 100% truthful in all that I said. My soul is sad now because of it and I decide its best I remain more silent than not from this point forward.

As I sit there and watch people smiling, chatting, and enjoying each other’s company, I begin to squirm in my chair, wishing I could just die right there in that moment, and be taken to some place like Heaven, or somewhere else that doesn’t involve living with this painful flesh and body I’m stuck in. Life doesn’t seem fair and I feel even worse now, because deep down I think about that former sponsee I just put down, as they too have a piece of God in them, like I do as well. I make a promise to myself that later at our meeting, I’m going to make an amends to all those who listened to my negative comments, especially the ones who had done their best to turn each of them around to something more positive, the very thing I normally would have done if I hadn’t felt so much pain within.

The food arrives as I silently ask God for forgiveness and it’s then I notice my large salad doesn’t appear to be very large at all. In fact, it’s about the same size as the one my friend got across from me, yet she had ordered the smaller version. Unfortunately, that’s another thing my pain often does to me. It makes me feel dissatisfied with the littlest of things, things that never seem to bother me one bit when their level is far more manageable.

“I can get you some more salad if you want…” the waitress says after hearing my not-so-quiet displeasure of the salad now sitting in front of me. I feel slightly guilty after letting her know I’ll take her up on her offer, because when she returns with another whole salad, free of charge shortly thereafter I still feel dissatisfied. Because none of this was about my salad in the first place. I’m just unhappy with my life’s circumstances and sadly, there’s nothing more I can do about it other than what I’m already doing in life. Believe me I’ve tried. And as I stare down at my now double portion of salad, I realize it doesn’t change a gosh darn thing.

I eat my salad in silence and occasionally put a smile on my face, chiming in a conversation here and there, just so no one asks me what’s wrong. That never does go over too well when they do. Because it always ends with me receiving unsolicited advice, mostly things I’ve already tried before, when all I really want is a reassuring touch or hug.

The next thirty minutes is filled with more trips to the bathroom, more squirming in my chair, and thoughts of me ordering a dessert hoping it might somehow bring me a little comfort and joy. Watching everyone else seem to have that a lot more than I, is probably the most challenging thing I face in life these days. I don’t have much fun in life anymore and I silently wonder if any of these people around me truly understand how I feel.

I ultimately decide to skip my comfort-seeking dessert, because I had just tried that the prior two nights unsuccessfully. As I stare down in defeat at the placemat before me, I see there’s a contest to win free dinner for a year at Bob Evans and smile sarcastically to the realization that even if I won that, it wouldn’t make me any happier in life. Not even a million dollars could do that, because none of it is able to take this pain away. Believe me if it could, I would already have found a way long ago to make that happen.

Finally, our get-together ends and we all head to the cash register to pay our bills. I ponder our next gathering as the woman takes my credit card and painfully hope that I feel far better by then. After saying goodbye and letting everyone know I’ll see them in a bit at our meeting, I drive away and head towards a quiet parking lot, the only thing I really have been looking forward to today. As when I arrive, I blast my heater in the car and find my eyes quickly getting very heavy.

I fall asleep and for those few short minutes I do, I experience the only peace I’ll probably have the entire day, peace that comes from not having to feel this awful pain, even if it is for such a brief moment. And that alone becomes the very thing I find I can be grateful to God for and something I vow to write about later that night, so that each of you might understand me a little better as you take a brief walk in my pain-filled shoes of life…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Do you struggle with change? Are you one of those who usually likes to keep things just as they are, especially when everything seems to be running just fine? I think most of us have struggled with this at various times in our lives, but the reality is that life is always changing around us and within us, and resistance to it often will make us feel incompatible with life. I had a great reminder of this recently with an upgrade to my computer’s operating system I kept pushing off.

In the Mac world, which is the type of computer I have, a brand-new version of operating system tends to come out in the beginning of each fall season. In the past, I generally never liked updating to any of these newer versions because I thought if things were running just fine why bother. And frequently, when I did do the upgrades, I sometimes ran into hiccups during the conversion, which made things far more frustrating for a period of time. But unfortunately, as technology continues to make leaps and bounds in advancements, software gets updated, which in turn creates incompatibilities if one doesn’t upgrade their operating system. I discovered this a few years back when I crossed my arms and refused to budge on updating my own through several iterations until one day I couldn’t do a function on my computer anymore that I always did. When I looked into it, I found out my system had become outdated and needed a total overhaul. But even in remembering that, I found myself repeating the same behavior again on a newer Mac I have now with the most recent release of Mac’s operating system that’s named “Sierra”. Why was I resisting this change again? Simply put, fear. In fact, resistance to change always relates to some type of fear, usually a fear of not knowing what life will be like on the other side of the change.

Nevertheless, I still felt a nudge for months on end to get this software upgrade done so I finally opted to call Apple support the other day to help alleviate some of my fears before attempting it. Ironically, when the customer service agent answered the phone and said, “Hi, my name is Sierra, how many I help you?”, I silently wondered if this was God having a sense of humor by giving me the one agent who had the same name as the operating system I was afraid to change to. Regardless, after a ten-minute call with her, I found the courage to begin the install and several hours later, the whole process was done, with only a few minor hiccups happening along the way. I felt a whole lot better, and my computer seemed to be running much faster, with a couple noticeable improvements.

Change is often a lot like this, isn’t it? We fight and fight and fight to resist it, fearing the worst, and frequently miss out on improvements to our lives that could come if we went through it. And in the process of resisting change, we become stagnant, indignant, negative, and on some level, incompatible with others. Eventually, it all catches up with us though, usually forcing us to go through it with a lot more difficulty down the way, as compared to how it would have been if we had gone through it much sooner. And no matter when we do go through some type of change, those hiccups do occur, often upsetting our egos who then try to convince us that change is never worth it. But when we choose to press through those hiccups and ignore our egos, the other side of change is generally far better than a life that resists change.

I guess that’s why I’m kind of grateful I’m more open to change nowadays than I ever used to be. Because things like my newly updated operating system that seems to be running much more smoothly now is but a small taste of what I feel God can update in our lives, if we merely remain open to change. Changes that God sees and knows we need to make in our lives that will lead to a far better life, one that runs more smoothly and more compatible with both the ever-changing world around us and within us…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

I haven’t travelled anywhere overnight since I went on vacation to the Cayman Islands in the beginning of 2016, because frankly, it became too difficult for me due to my physical pain levels and the anxiety I had surrounding it. It wasn’t fun anymore to go on any trips so I made a vow at the end of that last vacation that I wouldn’t go away anywhere until I felt a lot better.

But that all changed a few months ago when my Spirit told me during a prayer and meditation session that I needed to go see my nephew Luke for his 5^th birthday at the end of August. Seeing that I always do my best to follow any Higher Guidance I receive, I opted to heed this call and am actually flying out today to the Nashville, Tennessee area to go be with my family and celebrate with my nephew. While I’m excited to see him, as he really doesn’t know me given the last time he saw me was when he was under 2 years old, I’m also having to face a few fears going on this trip.

The first deals with the whole airport and flying thing, as standing for long periods in those security checkpoints and walking for long distances around the airport is never fun on my body at all. The last time I travelled, I had to get a wheelchair to deal with the pain, which was very humbling. But even more humbling was when the airline-agent questioned me about what my disability actually was when I asked for early boarding, because they didn’t see any real signs of one at first glance.

The second is due to the fact that my partner isn’t going with me on this trip, as he can’t get out of work. Although I used to go on many trips by myself in the past and totally enjoyed them, being by myself now without any in person support by someone who understands the pain I go through is difficult, especially because odd things often arise with my health that usually require the help of my partner to deal with them.

The third relates to the last time I visited my sister’s family, which was about three years ago now, as it didn’t go over so well, because back then was precisely when all this physical pain and mental anguish really began to get to me. That in turn led me to isolate more than not while there, spending most of my time on the phone getting support from my recovery circles instead of being present with them, and they just weren’t able to understand that.

And lastly, speaking of recovery, the final fear I have surrounding this trip relates to the past addictions I’m now sober from. As sad as it is to admit this, much of the reason why I used to love traveling so much alone is because I used to act out in addictive behaviors on most of those trips. So, I’m sure that my ego will try to convince me once again to do that, especially if I’m dealing with any type of high pain levels.

So that’s all the fears I’m facing at the present moment with this trip, but thankfully I have something much bigger than I to help me during it and that’s God! Because I believe it’s God who actually led me to go on this trip in the first place and in light of that, I know He’ll be present to help me overcome any of these fears if they should arise.

Nevertheless, I would like to also ask each of you to please pray for me to receive strength, peace, and joy during this trip, as I walk through each of my fears of traveling to be with my nephew Luke for his 5^th birthday. And know as well, that as I place a few “Thought For The Day” entries about trusting in God these next few days in my blog, that it’s mostly to give me some encouragement, just in case I might need a little of that while I’m away! 🙂

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson