Category: Healing From Chronic Pain And Illness

Have you ever had a neighbor who doesn’t take care of their yard one bit? I do and they live directly across the street from me. It’s been since the beginning of May when they last cut their grass and cleaned up anything outside and that was only because the city had served them a notice to do so. What’s ironic though is how I’m actually ok with seeing this jungle across the street every day, because a year ago I know I wasn’t.

The level of my letting go and abstaining from controlling-based actions has definitely improved over the past year. I mean a mere year ago, I used to go out into my own yard and pick up every single leaf each time I glanced out the window and saw one had blown onto it. Yes, I truly was that controlling. But in regards to this neighbor’s unkempt yard, a year ago I was one of those who constantly talked about this to all the other neighbors, stirring people up about it, and becoming more and more disturbed each time I did. Thankfully though, I’m not doing that anymore because it doesn’t seem to be bothering me now.

I know this might sound like such a simple thing to let go of, but for a guy who was such a control-freak for most of his life, letting things go like this was always so difficult. But given all the struggles I’ve had with my health, I’ve been working hard to let go of things that have nothing to do with me, such as a neighbor’s overgrown yard, knowing in doing so will only increase my health and well-being. I’ve been praying quite a bit for God to help me achieve this and I believe my prayers are being received and answered given the way I feel now when I look across the street.

While some of my other neighbors are still calling the city and complaining about this yard on a weekly basis, I’m choosing just to accept it and send love and light to those who live there instead. I have no idea why they don’t take care of their yard, but frankly, I know now there’s no point in getting upset about something I have no real control over.

So thank you God for helping me to let go of control in greater and greater ways every day such as with things like my neighbor’s overgrown yard. And I continue to pray to You for help me in doing the same with everything else in my life, especially when it comes to my health and healing. Because I ultimately know the more I let go of control and let You run my life instead, the more peace and joy I will feel in the long run…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

I’ve never done the act of cutting myself, which is the process of where a person takes a sharp object such as a razor blade and places small incisions on parts of their body and subsequently watches them bleed, all for the purposes of relieving emotional pain they are feeling inside. While I may never have done that act specifically, I can still relate to those that have because at times I find myself picking at spots on parts of my body, trying to remove them, usually with little to no success, and instead causing nothing more than me bleeding from a self-inflicted wound. So why do I do this? And how does this relate to what a cutter may go through? Well ultimately I feel it comes down to control and sheer frustration over the emotions going on within.

You see in my case, I’ve been going through an ordeal with my health and healing for some time now. For whatever the reason, my journey to greater health has been a difficult one where my body constantly seems to be going through very painful transitions to get there. While I have gotten better in some areas, others are taking far longer than I’d like and sometimes I just get so frustrated by the emotional despair I feel inside over that. When I do, I occasionally have found myself suddenly picking at things I can see on the outside of me in an attempt to control some part of the healing process I’m going through.

Just the other day for example, I had been really struggling with my level of physical pain when I saw a few spots on my back in the mirror that were most likely signs of aging. But they overwhelmed me so much that I started digging at them with my fingernail, trying desperately to remove them, only to cause more problems for myself. And where I ended up after that was me crying profusely and praying to God for relief from all that I’ve been going through. On some level, the act created a release point for all the pent up frustration I felt inside in that moment.

Why I feel like this relates to a cutter is only for the fact that I’ve known a few of them over the years. Take this person I once knew who used to cut themselves after engaging in homosexual contact. Deep down they didn’t know how to reconcile the pain they had over their sexual identity or the fact that they had been molested at a pretty young age. So every time they had a gay sexual encounter, their emotional imbalance over that part of themselves would surface. They then would often begin cutting themselves because it was the only way they knew how to control and release the emotional pain they felt inside.

So as in this person’s case or in mine, it comes down to acts of control. I tend to believe the only remedy for that is to let go and let God and some days I’m better at doing that than others.  But ultimately I know that whether it’s cutting, picking or hurting oneself in any way, shape, or form, it’s never a healthy action.

It’s pretty humbling for me to write about this and how my own actions relate to those who cut themselves, but when you’ve endured physical pain for as long as I have, the emotions run pretty high inside. Yet I know that cutting oneself or even picking at things on the body to the point of bleeding is not even close to an act of unconditional love. Truly it is actually the exact opposite of that. And I know it’s something God is probably sad about every time He sees it happen with anyone.

This is why I have compassion now for even those who cut themselves. Because those that do, must have some pretty deep-seated pain to drive them to that act. Thus it’s my prayer and hope that anyone who is inflicting any pain to themselves no matter how small it is, finds solace in God, because ultimately, I know that has been the only healthy solution I’ve found to help me release my own pain…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Mortality. It’s something I’ve really been facing over the past year of my life and something I’ve been having a lot of difficulty with. I’ve noticed my body isn’t bouncing back as quickly anymore with things such as bruises, cuts, and such. I’ve seen wrinkles appear in more and more places. Veins on multiple parts of my body are protruding far greater now. Aging spots are beginning to appear. And scars are showing themselves more prevalently these days, even ones I didn’t even know I had.

Why is this so hard for me?

Well if you noticed, all of the things I just mentioned that are getting to me are superficial, meaning on the outside of me. And that’s exactly why it’s been so hard because I really have been a very vain person for much of my adulthood. I know this is something I’ve written about before and something that continues to challenge me day in and day out. But I felt I needed to write about it again since it’s been bothering me so much as of late.

The truth is, I programmed far too much of my adult life to focus mostly on how good I looked on the outside rather than doing some much-needed spiritual work within. In the last four years though, I’ve truly worked hard on growing my spiritual life, yet the one thing that still seems to elude me is acceptance of what’s happening more and more on the outside as I grow older. In fact, instead of accepting it, I’ve done the exact opposite at times and on some level, you might find it rather comical, especially with the following reference I often compare my behavior to.

Have you ever watched the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding before or seen its sequel that came out recently? There is an older gentleman in both movies who is always using Windex to fix just about everything including even spraying it on his hip to help with his arthritis. In my case, my Windex is actually Tea Tree Oil.

I’ve gone through plenty of vials of this oil in recent years, putting in on everything that appears on my skin that appears to be abnormal in my mind. Always hoping it will remove it as quick as possible. While many times it actually has, there’s also been some not-so-good results as well. I’ve actually burned my skin in a bunch of areas and left permanent blemishes there because of it, which has only propelled my mortality fears even more.

Trying to break this fear of aging and how I look on the outside is proving to be quite challenging that’s for sure. And while I know it might sound ludicrous to you, the fact remains, spending the better part of 20 years thinking the best side of myself was how I looked has created some serious negative programming and impacted how I feel about mortality.

I must say though I have gotten a little better lately with all of this, finding some success with acceptance when things appear on the outside of me that are involved with the aging process. I have placed the Tea Tree Oil in my storage room and have only been accessed it a few times as compared to how I used to access it every single day.

I have to laugh at myself as I continue to write about this because it totally exposes a huge character defect within me that I’m sure at some point down the road I’m going to look back on this and see how silly it was. But for now, I’m working hard on erasing this negative programming and doing what I can to accept my mortality with grace.

I know what’s most important is what’s on the inside and that’s why I’m writing about this. Because I find that the more I get honest with myself in my writing, the more I do the work to spiritually grow and change these parts of me that no longer mesh with what I feel my Higher Power’s calling is for me.

So while I do believe mortality is an important thing to deal with and face as I continue to grow older, I think it’s also something that doesn’t need to involve a lot of stress and worry, especially when it comes to the outer appearance of myself. I know that’s going to take a little more work on my part to fully deprogram all these vanity issues, but at least for now, I’m getting honest with myself and accepting that at least one aspect of mortality doesn’t have to have such power over me…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson