A Testing of Faith

Faith is a strange thing. It’s easy to say that I’m faithful when everything is going great in my life. When I’m on the top of the world earning great money, where my health is awesome, where I have a great relationship, and where my social calendar seems quite full, sure it would be easy for me to say that life is grand and that I have faith in God’s plan for me.

How about the reverse? Where is my faith when I’m unable to work and am earning no money?Where is my faith when my health is filled daily with chronic pain? Where is my faith when most of my friendships have disappeared and where my weekend nights are spent alone? I’ve been pondering these questions a lot lately as I continue to deal with a shift that I’ve been praying is an energetic one to raise my spiritual vibration.

First, what is the definition of faith in God (or a Higher Power). It is when one makes the Words of God (or Higher Power) the main determining factor for every action you take, and remaining at peace whether you know the outcome or not.

Not too long ago I remember feeling like I was living on top of the world. I was earning $82,000 a year, had a partnership with a person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, had all the latest and greatest gadgets, owned a nice single family home, had two cars, and a nice retirement building up. Back then the excitement of my life consisted of living in the indulges of what this world had to offer. Traveling often, dining out frequently, engaging in multiple sports leagues, shopping for whatever I wanted and thought I needed, and often being driven sexually either with my partner or on the web with images and chatrooms.

I went to church at that time in my life. I did weekly bible studies too. I even was serving communion and had become a Deacon. And I told everyone how faithful I was in God and that God was rewarding me daily with plenty of abundance. Using the definition of faith in God that I just wrote in here, I knew the outcome of where I was at every day. There were relatively little surprises in my life at that time. And other than some minor incidences that I call hiccups in my life, my life went pretty smoothly and I made sure to always present to others that I had faith.

Faith is truly the absence of proof of anything tangible. Faith is something that one does not go around and tell everyone it is within themselves. Faith is walking through ANY situation and being ok with it no matter if the results are favorable or not.

Somewhere along the lines, things fell apart in my life and things became very unfavorable. I turned to addictions to sustain my life force and vitality. I chose quick highs to keep myself going. As the years passed, I lost that partner. I lost my home. I lost my business. I lost most of the money I had saved up. I lost many friends who I thought were close to me. And then over the course of the past three years, I lost my health and my ability to work. Since then, I have been in chronic pain with serious Fibromyaliga, prostatitis, and severe sciatica and numbness on my left leg and foot. Add in depression and anxiety and that is my current state of health.

So where is my faith now? Where is my faith in God? I wish I had the perfect story to share. I wish I could say that I felt everyday that everything is going to be ok and that God is going to get me through this and that all this was a healing process. I can’t say that. Where I once walked around with my head up high telling everyone how much faith I had. I find myself questioning God a lot. I find myself asking if God exists a lot. I find myself asking if there really is a plan for me. My faith has been shaken. On most days when the pain is high like today or like yesterday, I find myself asking those closest to me if I’m ever going to make it through this. Where I’m at now I find myself reflecting on the story of Job a lot.

I love the story of Job. Job is a wonderful story in the Bible that although I’m not religious, I love to read and reflect on it. Job had everything and then he lost everything. Job was faithful to God when he had everything and even when he had nothing. And even though Job didn’t understand why he lost everything for a period of time, he continuously prayed and asked God for understanding. The worst Job ever got was cursing the day his own birth happened and demanding God take his life. And Job eventually did have God speak to him and after God spoke about faith, Job was rewarded with everything he lost and then some. Job had lost his wife, his land, his ability to work, his children, and his health. And Job gained it all back at the end. How much time in between did the losses last for? It never says. I wish it did.

It’s been 9 months now where I’ve been living free from all things that I would say are poison to a spiritual life. I have a very diligent list of spiritual things I do each day to keep me on that path. And while I everyday thank God for making it through one more day of what I endure, I do find myself often asking why I’m here and going through all this now. I find myself asking if God has a plan for me through all of this. I pray a lot throughout the day. Much of it is me just asking for strength and help to make it through one more day, one more hour, one more minute, or even one more second of the pain I endure.

I’m not taking drugs or medicines to deal with what I’m dealing with. I was reacting violently to every medication when I tried that route and also feeling extremely numb and indifferent to life. I was either a zombie then or a sponge for pain now. Truthfully I’d rather be a sponge for the pain right now as I at least am able to feel tears, my sadness, and my emotions in general.

On any of the drugs I used to take, or any of the medications, or even with any of the people I put in my life to chase after, all of it just numbed me from the pain that was there. It wasn’t healing any of it.

I’m not sure what I believe right now in this moment on what’s happening to me. I wanted to write an article that showed my truth. The real me. I had written a lot of hopeful stories so far about my life that all are indeed very true. But there is also much in my life that is challenging that I would not wish upon anyone and I felt today it was necessary to share those truths with the level of pain I’m feeling today.

I know one thing. My faith is being tested. I pray to God everyday to make it through this and to heal holistically. I pray to become a complete servant for God’s needs. I pray that I don’t ever go back to the toxic living that I once did not too long ago. I pray that my DNA makeup in my body will shift to drive me down spiritual paths rather than the toxic ones. And I give God thanks at the end of each day in a journal writing down at least nine things that happened that day that I was appreciative of.

Does God exist?

If so, is He watching me?

Is all of what I’m going through a test of my faith?

Is all of what I feel just a shift to make me spiritually healthier?

I don’t know the answers to those questions. I do know one thing. I’ll keep on doing what I’m doing, which is praying to the God that I believe is there, to the God that has gotten me this far, and to the God that has sustained me through so much already. And I’ll hope that one day I’ll see this from a better perspective, one where I can look back and understand why it is that I went through it all in the first place.

Regardless, I will keep on sending out my love to God and trusting in an old AA saying, “This Too Shall Pass…” And in doing that, I know I am being faithful…

Peace, Love, Light, and Joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

How Did My Health Get This Bad?

The last few years of my life have been challenging as I’ve been facing physical health issues that surfaced. How I’ve handled them is ironic as it’s paying attention now to the messages I was getting when it all started.

Physical health issues more often than not are the result of imbalances within ourselves that began a long time before the first physical symptom manifested itself. April 27th, 2010 was the day the severe sciatica and numbness began in my left leg. This progressed into developing prostatitis and then other aches and pains that fell under the label of Fibromyaliga. For the first two years after the initial onset of these physical health symptoms, I looked for physical causes and physical treatments. What I didn’t realize is that this all began on a spiritual level a young age.

I, like everyone else, is a spiritual being in a human vessel. I believe we all come here to learn various lessons but in each of them, we are meant to love and embrace each other unconditionally. Sadly, along the way, life happens. Hardship happens. Bad things happen. And our focus shifts to preservation of self we we find ways to be happy that are very selfishly centered.

I was born into an alcoholic family and I was neglected and unloved by them and molested by an outsider in the first 16 years of my life. Spiritually, I had no conception of unconditional love, hope, joy, and peace. Shortly after turning 17, I found my solution to be alcohol and drugs. From then until the age of 23 when they no longer quieted my spiritual imbalances from my childhood, I found my mental thoughts becoming more and more negative. My outlook on life was looking more clouded. I was seeing things through a set of jaded eyes.

Between 23 and 35 years old, I sought out other addictions as my solution rather than finding spiritual peace within and healing from all that unrest as a child. As I mentioned in an earlier posting, I chased sex and love, gambling, caffeine, geographical cures, shopping, traveling, and more until eventually between 35 and 38 years old my emotional state went to a constant up and down with anxiety and depression.

I still didn’t listen to the messages my own body was giving me. I kept myself in unhealthy and abusive friendships and relationships, I chased after people who didn’t want to be with me, I indulged in things that were poisonous to my body, until I found myself in a relationship with a married man (to a woman) who was closeted, a homophobic, and an alcoholic. On some level, I had come back around full circle to my life as a child where I was a son to two very sick alcoholic parents. And then after many days of enduring incredible sadness with this relationship, and many days of carrying constant worry and fear about it, the physical pain started in my left leg. April 27th, 2010.

The messages to heal were there a long time ago. I got sick first spiritually when I grew up in a family that was unhealthy. I didn’t choose to work on releasing that sickness through therapy or some other healing modality when I left home, I chose things to numb those feelings. As time went on, I chased thing after thing and person after person, growing first mentally sick with constant negativity and doubt about my future and then emotionally sick with anxiety and depression. My intuitive self along the way continued to tell me that this person wasn’t good for me, this decision wasn’t the right one for me, this job wasn’t a good fit for me, and this relationship wasn’t healthy for me, but I wasn’t listening.

Those messages got louder, the pain got stronger, until it had to manifest itself somewhere and the only place it had left to go to release itself out of me was on the physical level. So here I am today, January 24th, 2013, still dealing with physical pain. There is a difference though. I realized I can heal and will heal but I have to start from the beginning.

About 9 months ago, I parted ways with all things toxic in my life including possessions, people, meetings and anything else that was perpetuating these life patterns of pain. I then had a baseline to start with and I reached out to God and said to please heal me from within. There are many drugs out there both legal and illegal that have been produced to bring about less pain. All of them on some level simply suppress the body’s own ability to heal. I went down that path for the first few years of this pain and got nowhere other than more angry in life and seeking out worldly things to cope with a miserable existence.

In the past 9 months, I have worked on my spiritual presence here. I pray throughout the day to live in my higher self and to serve a higher existence. I seek God to run my thoughts, words, and actions. I meditate at least 30 minutes in silence once a day. I spend between 30 and 45 minutes every day stating positive mantras. I listen to a spiritual message each morning for 20 minutes to start off my day. And I end my day with writing 9 different things to be grateful for to God in that given day. With all that work, my life has gotten better. First mentally. I noticed my thinking became more positive. My words became more positive. Life seemed a little less negative and clouded. And the more days that I continued to do all these actions, I noticed the depression and anxiety lessened as well. I added in bi-weekly acupuncture, polarity and reiki, and weekly therapy sessions and eliminated all chemical medications and caffeine in the process.

I have started to get some slight relief in my physical pain on many days. I believe that the more I continue my path of healing in the order I got sick, I will get better. I realized I decline first spiritually, then mentally, then emotionally, and finally physically. My healing has been in that same order. I had to work on the spiritual unrest from my childhood first and all the things. I followed on with that throughout my life. Then, I worked on my mental thought process through the mantras and therapy. Thought that and other positive actions, I found emotional healing taking place.

It’s just a matter of time with God at the center now for my life and my healing that the physical relief will come. In the meantime, all I have is today, one day at a time, and I will live it with having God at the helm guiding me on how to be the most loving, spiritual being that I can be in this lifetime.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Mirror In My Face

(For anonymity purposes, all names in this posting have been changed.)

In my previous posting I mentioned someone, named John, who had been in my life in the past. I thought it might be noteworthy to expand more him as it truly was a great learning lesson that I went through from November of 2007 to January of 2012 when he was a part of my life.

There is that old adage that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. John came into my life for a reason and several seasons although he believed it was supposed to before a lifetime if not all future lifetimes.

Something about myself that I never faced was my own codependency and addiction/obsession issues. I truly believe that God answers our prayers to grow spiritually by allowing people to come into our lives that will help teach us the lessons we so desperately want to learn.

One night in November of 2007 when my former home group in AA was not meeting due to scheduling issues with the church it resided in on a Friday night, I went with my friend Devon to an AA meeting neither of us had gone to. It was an AA meeting that was listed in the book as gay/lesbian. Rarely if ever did I got to meetings with this type of listing because I found myself at the meetings not focusing on why I was there (recovery) and more on what was there (options, i.e. my addictions).

On that night, I spoke in that AA meeting when it became open discussion and told people I was new to the area and was looking for friends. Looking back at that night all those years ago, I realized that my speaking up was not spiritual based and was self-seeking based. There were a few people in the room I was attracted to and was hoping they would give me their numbers.

When the meeting ended, a few people did approach me and give me their numbers, one of which was someone named John who I thought was slightly my type as based upon the addiction based life I normally sought. Today I know so much more about these patterns and have not lived in them but back then I sought after people that kept reliving the same drama I continued to put in my life.

The only number that night that I placed emphasis in calling was John’s. There were many days in the past that I wished I could go back and change that night and not even show up at that meeting. Today, I am grateful I did because I learned lessons through my connection with John that I might have never learned if I hadn’t shown up there and connected with him.

Within a week, I had met up with John at a restaurant for a meal and realized that night he wasn’t someone that I wanted to pursue out of my addiction/obsessions. Something I learned in recent months is that the trauma I suffered as a child with the mental and emotional abuse at home along with being molested at 12, were catalysts to me living in unhealthy addiction based relationships for most of my life. After I had come to acceptance of my sexuality, the type of man that I sought was abusive, emotionally despondent, and selfish. All of those traits led right back to my childhood.

John didn’t fit those traits. John was just like me. He was insecure, codependent, and just wanting to be loved as he hadn’t been truly loved in his life ever. Sadly, when you put two people together that have the same issues, it generally leads to nothing positive and a lot of finger pointing.

Initially from around November of 2007 to maybe the beginning of the summer of 2008, I developed a friendship with John. Sadly, my motives for developing the friendship were selfish based. John was just like me in that he never felt like people would want to be in his life unless he went above and beyond the call of duty with gifts, money, etc to those people. Because I was a spiritually sick individual that was self-centered at that time in my life, I thought I would allow myself to take advantage of those things from someone else since my whole life had been doing those same behaviors to friends.

In the first month of knowing John he had bought me many dinners out, a new Braun shaver system, and other miscellaneous gifts that I don’t remember anymore. I also thought that I could fix John. The one difference between him and I was that I was outgoing and social and he was introverted and withdrawn. At that time he had no friends to spend time with outside of work. It gave me a purpose back then. Maybe I could change him and make him what I thought was cool and popular.

It didn’t work. As time went on, he became more and more enamored with me. Friends began to tell me they were seeing this and that I should back off. I didn’t see it. Maybe I did but I was so focused on what I needed. John was a good guy. He would listen to hours and hours of me complaining about the people in my life that I was doing those same behaviors to that he had been doing to me. John was a great consoler. What I didn’t know was that John was becoming addicted to having me in his life. He was building up an obsession to me and he was falling in love with me on top of all that.

It started to become clear just how much this was happening when I went away with my closest friend Devon, as well as John on a roller-coaster trip in June of 2008. We made a stop through in John’s hometown on the way to Kings Island in Ohio. On the first night away, we went to a gay bar where I met someone I felt was more my type. I was single and my focus back then when I was single was always on what I thought I needed. When one is codependent and suffering from addiction properties, they usually don’t feel complete unless they have someone in their lives as a relationship. That’s how I was for most of my life. What I didn’t know is that is how John was becoming too.

So on that night, at this random gay bar, I was dancing. I used to like to dance to house music. And I met this guy who I thought seemed genuinely nice. When the guy asked if we could spend more time talking after we left the bar, I said sure but that I was staying at my friend’s house and that he’d have to follow us back to the house and then I’d go talk to him from there.

As we left the bar when I was driving John and Devon in my car back to John’s mother’s home which we were visiting, this man followed us. In the back seat sat John who was extremely silent. Devon and I were talking about how much fun the bar was and suddenly there was deep sighing with a sense of anger in the sighing in the back seat. After about three of these, John exploded and started screaming at how wrong it was for me to be doing what I was doing. I felt so bad for Devon who was just on the beginning of being in the middle of the drama that truly had begun between John and I. I spent a few hours that night talking to this guy and that was it. Nothing else. I never have been the type of person that sleeps around for fun. I have always been more of a passion based person. When I had come home to the house where I was staying, it must have been after 2 or 3am. John was sitting in the house by the front door with his arms crossed looking very angry. I didn’t want to deal with it, and I just went to bed.

The next morning I had assumed the whole thing had blown over and I went to talk to John. I was wrong. Very wrong. John exploded on me again. That was one thing I never enjoyed AT ALL with him. He had a rage about him that was so bad, it was seriously unattractive on any level. That was one trait that I rarely, if ever, showed. I have always been more of a pacifist.

In between John’s rasps, he said that I was supposed to be his partner. That the love he had for me was true and genuine. That God told him we were supposed to be together and that we were twin flames reincarnating life after life to be together with each other.

I was stunned. The truth was finally out that John had some type of love towards me. He stated he had fallen for me while from the outside to others, it appeared he was addicted and obsessed with me and had love in between all that. That was my pattern with others. I wished I had been able to see the mirror when it all started.

It took another 3 1/2 years of craziness with John and I for me to finally see it within myself.

A few months after that initially outburst, the drama had gotten so bad between him and I. Friends had walked away from wanting to be around me and my sponsor had told me the friendship wasn’t healthy for me. I didn’t listen and I kept hanging around taking what I could from the friendship that was still serving me. I had only me to blame. I gave John false hope. I told him what he wanted to hear. I told him that I didn’t feel the way he did but maybe one day I might. I told him we were best friends but I never felt that way.

And one day in the fall of 2008, when the arguing which had been happening daily got too much, John went and got a tattoo of me super imposed on his chest. He had taken a photo of me and him and had an artist place the picture of me above his heart.

When he told me and further showed me it, I was stunned. He told me that he felt that if I ever walked away from him that at least I would always be close to his heart. I have never thought my actions of keeping him around would lead to this kind of behavior. My friends were all freaked out and in turn I was as well.

I did what I thought was healthiest at that time and I told him I couldn’t be his friend anymore and moved on with my life. Sadly, I became more sick after that. I did most of those same behaviors with others with the exception of getting a tattoo.

And one day in 2009 the sick spiritual life I was living began to catch up with me. My health was deteriorating and I was dealing with chronic pain issues. Instead of seeking healthy help to deal with where I was at, like a therapist and most importantly, God, I chose to believe that John was better. He had been communicating still with Devon and my sister and they led me to believe he was better.

What I didn’t realize then is another trait that someone who has an addiction and obsession does, they present to the people closest to you a very wonderful picture of how good their life is so that it will hopefully lead to getting back what they so want. That’s what I would do when I was faced with a similar situation and that’s exactly what happened with John.

So on an exceptionally pain riddled day John had made an attempt to contact me and reach out. He had attempted to do that on and off throughout the time we hadn’t been talking. And on that day, in that moment, I responded and Round 2 of our connection began.

From the spring of 2009 to around the mid winter of 2010, John and I became friends again. My reason for brining John back in my life was purely selfish. I missed one thing about him. The health and healing side of John that came to my rescue when I was down and out. John was into a lot of the holistic healing that I was in. And I rather than me going out and paying for help, I went to him, for everything. All my drama, all my pain, all of my misery, I went to John.

This is what makes an addiction and obsession based relationship so alluring. This is what makes a codependent relationship so sick. John got what he wanted, which was someone who needed him. I got what I wanted, which was someone to tell me I would be ok.

It doesn’t work.

Both people grow more sick and dependent on each other. Both people blame their misery on each other. Both people fall further away from God.

That’s what happened to me.

And that’s what happened to John.

John became jealous of those people I continued to chase after and get addicted to myself. I became angry at John’s jealousy and guilt based comments. And the two of us began to go to both Devon and my sister as intermediaries causing them unrest and frustration.

John threatened suicide and generally told me that he would never love again. That God wronged him. That love sucked. And constantly asked God why God would give him the feelings that he had for me if I wasn’t going to return them.

And eventually the whole friendship went down for the count and Round 2 ended.

I wished I could say that was the end of the mess.

It wasn’t.

The next round happened because my sickness continued. I was involved with this guy named Ralph who was married and an active alcoholic. I was living my life so spiritually sick. I mentioned some of this in my previous posting yesterday. John had been out of my life for a bunch of months and that dreaded day happened on April 27, 2010 when the pain struck me like fire in my left leg.

I had been praying for God to help me heal and truly end this long saga of sickness that I had been living in. The answer came in the most unexpected way. It came through great physical pain.

Unfortunately, I didn’t take the most healthiest actions at that point when the pain started. I picked up the phone and called John and sought his help and did what I always did when I needed something. I apologized for all my previous stuff that I had said and done. I made John believe that I was wrong for most of what had happened in Round 2. And, worst of all, I gave John hope again and Round 3 was upon us.

Round 3 should have been the end. It really should have been. I spent from April 27th of 2010 until around January of 2011 having John in my life again. I never felt good about any of this. I caused a lot of pain both for myself and for him. I made John believe that maybe one day I might feel the way he did. I only did that because I was afraid to go through all the pain I was going through alone. I didn’t really have any friends left. My addiction and obsession based life had pushed most people away. Devon and I barely hung out anymore because of how sick I had become.

And that’s when I met Mike. Mike was brand new in AA and trying to recover from an opiates addiction. He was a former Marine and a rough and tough Harley biker type of guy. As Mike came into my life, I forced John out. The more that I chased after someone I was attracted to, the more that John’s anger and jealousy increased. I was the same way towards the people I chased after when they didn’t want to be with me.

It’s amazing just how long we will put ourselves through unhealthy behaviors and just how blind we are to the mirrors in front of us that are there to help us heal. So as I got closer to Mike, I ended Round 3 with John.

Over the course of the next four months, my pain levels increased, drastically….everywhere. I lost my faith in God. I lost my faith in holistic medicine. I lost my faith in my own healing’s abilities. I landed at the doctor’s office. The one place that I hadn’t been to in more than a decade. I had been healing holistically for so long. Mike was the opposite of me in so many ways. He didn’t really believe that God can heal. He believed that medicines and drugs were the answers to every ache and pain.

And what I didn’t know is that when you spend most of your time around someone with strong beliefs like that, especially when you have an addiction or obsession towards then, you begin to become like them. And I did. I started like Harley’s, I started going to the doctor’s for every problem I had, I started acting tough and badass in the best way I thought I could. And ironically, I started dating women thinking I could get closer to Mike by being that way.

That’s how sick I had become. I had truly lost sight of God and myself in every way possible.

And guess where I landed? I landed in the mental hospital for about 5 days. I had become so depressed and was living with so much anxiety. I was put on anti-depressants and started having a cupboard of medications I was on. I found myself becoming lower and lower even on the medications because I knew inside how sick I was but yet I wasn’t stopping any of my behaviors.

And then I did the unthinkable. As if the pain hadn’t been great enough. As if the drama in my life had not been great enough. I brought John back in shortly after getting out of the mental hospital. I told myself that I needed someone to tell me everything was going to be ok. I needed someone to console me through the drama I was creating with Mike. John was the only one who I thought could do that. And I convinced myself that it would be different this time. That is how crazy things get when someone is spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically sick. Their brain tells me things that aren’t true. All of those bad times that happened with John and I were just shoved under the rug and I picked up the phone and called him beginning Round 4.

Round 4 lasted until January of 2012. It was the worst of all of them. In any sick relationship that God is not at the center of it, it will only continue to get worse. In AA they say that the untreated alcoholic will continue to get worse even after periods of sobriety as when they relapse, they go right back to where they left off. That’s how it was with John and I. The drama would always pick back up within a matter of days.

And the sad thing is that we both allowed it. I would blame him for my problems. He would blame me for his problems. Both of us blamed God for our problems. It was awful.

And I did the unthinkable. John told me that he believed I wouldn’t heal unless I allowed his love in. Where my brain and thinking was at in that sick state of my life, I believed that I had to be with him more than a friendship. So I allowed myself to live in a sexual connection with him, somewhat of a friendship with benefits, for a few months. I can’t tell you how awful this made me feel every time I did something.

I felt repulsed every time I connected sexually with him. I knew it was sick and not what God wanted of me. And in the meantime, it was feeding John’s addiction/obsession/love of me. And I was still focused on wanting that with someone else.

I lost my mind, and everything around me.

I attempted to kill myself and that’s when the pain was at its greatest for me.

The next few months is where the greatest shift in my life began to happen. I realized that I was never going to heal doing any of what I was doing. I realized that I had to go through this pain without a codependent friendship or relationship. I had to remove all the toxicity in my life.

And I did.

I parted ways with John in January of 2012 after he hung up the phone on me and said he was done with me. Shortly thereafter, I walked out of Mike’s life in April. I stopped dating the woman I was dating because I had been giving her false hope. And I did what I should have started back in June of 1995 when I had first gotten sober. I started working on me and my relationship with God. That became my top priority.

I have been free from all of that drama and toxic behaviors for about 9 months now.

It’s been a year now that I haven’t had John in my life. I have been through some exceptionally difficult pain filled days. But I haven’t gone back to John. And I never plan to. 4 rounds was enough. I can’t imagine I would survive a Round 5.

I have removed all the traces of John that I’m capable of removing from my life. All the pictures, gifts, and remnants of him being in my life are gone. The same holds true from all people that caused me to live in greater drama and toxicity in my life.

Sadly, I continue to catch wind that John hasn’t let me go. His best friend is now considered to be my best friend Devon. And he still keeps contact with my sister and her family. I have been told of things he still does that were things we did together like going to some of my favorite restaurants or playing mini-golf at some of my favorite courses. This past Christmas he gave each of my sister’s family a $50 American Express gift card including my sister’s newborn baby. He has meals occasionally with them without me present. And even more difficult for me, my sister is moving to Nashville in February and John told her he’d like to go visit people he knows there and see her family while he’s there. What’s ironic is that other than traveling to his hometown when his mother passed away, John has never travelled anywhere. And what he didn’t realize is that the gifts he’s giving my family are making them uncomfortable but they won’t say anything to him in the fear of hurting him. What angered me the most in it was that I gave each of my nephews a $50 bill for Christmas that was immediately overshadowed with them showing me John’s $50 American Express gift card.

I have only myself to blame for continuing to bring him closer to my life with my family and time spent with them. My sister deals with her own codependency and I know she worries about John being hurt if she was to put distance between her family and him. I know her husband has issues with me to start with and has had anger and resentments fueling his actions with me for a long time as based upon things I did in the past that caused pain and hardship to him and his family. I’m still working on healing in that area with them. He continues to maintain contact with John as well and sometimes I wonder if he does it because he knows it angers me.

Either way, it’s out of my control and I practice every day trying to work though any anger or rage that surfaces in dealing with John. His presence in my life indirectly is still causing me mental duress and I have informed both Devon and my sister that it does.

I sent John a letter back in the spring of 2012 making a formal amends for all the pain I was responsible for with him, taking ownership of my parts in the drama, and asking him to please stay out of my family’s life and that I wouldn’t be coming back again in his life.

Unfortunately, he emailed my sister and her husband back then and told them what I was asking. John expressed his sorrow and sadness to my sister which played off of her codependency from our childhood with our mother, and it fueled her husband’s anger with me. Since then, he maintains contact with them and occasionally spends time with them by going out for a meal. I have consistently asked my sister to break off contact with him as it’s causing me greater pain knowing he’s still around in some way in my life.

Every time I try to put it to rest, it comes up somehow that he’s still around in my life. Part of it I can blame on myself because I have asked at times to both my sister as well as Devon about it. I keep hoping that they will tell me they aren’t spending time with him. I’ve realized I have to just let it go. What they don’t realize, that I do today is that they are perpetuating his addiction and obsessions issues by spending time with him.

I think today Devon genuinely has a casual friendship with John and I can see the healthier side of that. I know John feels that Devon is one of his best friends. I’m not sure if the reverse is true. I have more acceptance that the two of them will probably remain friends. I am still working on my acceptance of his presence in my sister and her family’s life.

John many times told me when we were friends that he was closer to my sister and her family and thought of them as his family more so than his own sister and her kids. That really bothered me because I know his sister would welcome a deeper friendship with John. John chose not to deepen it.

Although I don’t know the deepest truth to John’s motivation to being around my sister and her family, I do know that if I look at the mirror and ask myself what would be my motivation to keep any part of people connected to those that I had been addicted, obsessed, or loved to in my life, that I was still holding onto them somehow.

I have learned through my spiritual work that I can only focus on my healing, on my journey with God, and let all of what’s happening around me go. I have done my part to remove John out of my life and have had to leave the rest of it in God’s hands.

I have prayed my sister will finally honor my request to remove him from their life.

I have prayed that John will meet someone else to become connected to like he was with me that might help him see these patterns.

But most recently, I have prayed just to let go of trying to control the situation and I removed all the things that I still had buried in different places of him like the photos and trinkets and such as that is all I had in my control to start with.

So the greatest lesson that John taught me was that John was me. I was John. We were the same sick individuals. The anger I felt towards John in response to all the things he did towards me was truly all the things I did to others and wasn’t even aware of. All the things I did to him that made John angry, were all the things he was doing himself and wasn’t aware of.

I’m grateful to God for learning this lesson. I believe John is no longer a part of my life and that I haven’t had ANY desire to bring him back, because I settled my karma on this and learned the lessons that brought him into my life in the first place.

I’m not sure if John still believes that God wants him and I together. I’m not sure if John still feels that we are these “twin flames” destined to be together. I’m not sure if John still hopes deep down that one day we’ll be in each other’s lives again.

What I do know is that I don’t wish for that to ever happen again. I have wished him well and prayed for his own healing. I pray for him to move on and fully let me go both directly and indirectly like I continue to do with him.

I feel that John was a huge shift in my consciousness to see the codependency and addiction issues in my life. I thank God for brining John in my life again and again to teach me that.

I’m just glad I am almost totally free from the pain that friendship and relationship caused me and that I continued to endure every day. Whether my sister and her family keep him in their lives or not and whether Devon continues to or not as well doesn’t matter anymore. I know that I have to move on and not focus on what they are doing. That is their lives and the more I try to focus on them and change their actions, the more it brings up the anger and keeps some of that old drama still alive.

I end with this.

Thank you God for teaching me about my own sickness through my relationship with John. May You bless John and send him on his way releasing him from any bondage he may still have or feel with me, helping him to cut any cords or attachments he may still have to me. I know you have done the same for me and I thank you for that. And may all people involved that may have endured the drama he and I shared, also be released of any residual pain created by either one of us. Amen.

Peace, Love, Light, and Joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson