Category: Healing From Chronic Pain And Illness

Not that long ago a friend of mine sent me a small cartoonist strip he found that related to much of what I’ve been going through. Unfortunately, I was unable to locate it when writing this article, so with that being said I’m going to describe it instead.

In it, a man is hanging on for dear life from a single branch off the side of a cliff while another man is looking down over the edge at him. Out of the man’s mouth who’s standing on top of the cliff are the words “Hang in there, it’ll get better!” As for the man who’s hanging on for dear life, he has only two words to say back to him, “F$#k You!”

While all this seems rather comical and has elicited plenty of laughter to anyone I’ve described it to, the truth is that I feel much like the man hanging from that small branch on most of my days as of late. Far too often I hear so many tell me to hang in there, that it will get better and as much as I know they mean well, it’s never been very reassuring in all honesty.

Most of the time when I used to say those words to someone else who was going through a difficult time, it was because I didn’t know what else to say. Rather, it was my way to check a box and make myself feel better about their situation, rather than to really say something that might help them somehow.

Truthfully, telling someone to hang in there, it will get better, is definitely easy to say when the person saying them isn’t going through what the other is. But the reality is that most who say those words don’t actually know whether it will ever get better for the other person or not. Yet they say those words anyway and usually just move on to something else after they do.

What I’ve found is far more comforting to receive nowadays are things that feel more unconditionally loving and genuine. Things such as “I’m praying for you to make it through this; We’ll get through this together; No matter how long it takes you have my full support; or even How can I best help you through this?”

But hearing someone tell me to hang in there, it’ll get better and then watch them go on to talk about something else or walk away, is a lot like what I imagine the next scene would look like in this comic strip I’m referring to above. It would show the man on top of the cliff walking away, leaving the man hanging there for dear life. The fact is, I used to be a lot like that man on top of the cliff, so caught up in self that when someone was hurting I came across, I either avoided them altogether or said those words and then moved on.

On some level, this is why I’m actually grateful I’ve endured these health issues for as long as I have, because it’s ultimately helped me to see so much of my old unloving self through the actions of others. But thankfully, I haven’t been reacting quite like the guy hanging onto that branch off the cliff, who’s swearing and obviously angry. Instead, I’ve worked hard on looking at all those who come around me with love and compassion, knowing that most don’t know how to deal with someone who’s going through a difficult situation. That’s why it’s my hope that I will be given the chance by my Higher Power to be on the other side of this healing crisis here soon so that I may start putting into practice the things I’ve learned just like this.

The bottom line is that I don’t want to tell someone anymore who’s hurting to hang in there, it’ll get better, because I know it most likely won’t help them one bit. If anything, it will only frustrate them all the more. Instead, I look forward to offering them my outstretched hand and words that come more from my heart, because at least in that I know it will let them know they’re not going through it alone…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

When someone is going through a very trying time in their life, experiencing heavy trials and tribulations, it’s natural for those close to that person to offer them advice, to suggest things to do, and to provide whatever guidance they think might help them. But I’ve come to learn over time that this isn’t really the best way to help a person who’s enduring pain and suffering. Instead, I’ve learned there’s something far better I can do to help someone in need and that’s to “hold space” for them.

Holding space is when a person is willing to walk alongside another in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. Instead, they open their heart, offer unconditional support, and let go of all judgment and control. This isn’t an easy thing to do because it’s in our nature to want to fix people, give them advice, or judge them for not being further along the path than they are.

I’m just as guilty of doing this as I’m sure many others are as well. But to truly support someone in whatever they’re going through, I’ve found it’s not in my highest good to take their power away by trying to fix their problems, to shame them into feeling like they aren’t doing enough and could do better, or to overwhelm them by giving them more information than they can handle.

So what’s the alternative? Well it’s all about holding space, which means I stay by their side and allow them to make their own choices, to unconditionally love and support them no matter what they’re going through, to give gentle direction when needed, and help them feel safe even when they make a mistake.

I read an article by Heather Plett that helped me understand much of this technique and in it, she provided eight tips on how to do hold space well. They are:

1. Give people permission to trust their own intuition and wisdom, instead of having them become overly reliant upon you.
2. Give people as much information as they can handle, as too much information leaves a person feeling incompetent and unworthy.
3. Don’t take their power away, as this helps to empower the person instead of feeling useless.
4. Keep your own ego out of it by not going to the place of believing the person’s success is dependent on your intervention.
5. Make them feel safe enough to fail by not offering judgments or shame and instead providing encouragement to take risks and to keep going even when they fail.
6. Give guidance and help with humility and thoughtfulness by recognizing the areas in which the person feels most vulnerable and incapable and then offering the right kind of help without shaming them.
7. Create a container for complex emotions, fear, trauma, etc. to surface, which allows a person to feel safe enough to fall apart in front of you.
8. Allow them to make different decisions and to have different experiences than you would, as the way you might handle what they’re going through is far different than the way they need or are meant to go through it.

I know this seems like a tall order and trust me, I’ve failed many times trying to hold space for close friends and loved ones over the years. But I’m working daily now on holding space for my current partner and for those closest to me and sometimes I have success and sometimes I don’t. The bottom line is that I’m going to keep trying.

Holding space for someone who’s going through any difficulty in life isn’t easy, but it’s benefits are far greater than when we judge them, make them feel inadequate, try to fix them, or impact their outcome. Instead, we must open our hearts, offer our unconditional love and support, and let go of all judgment and control because in doing so, we will see that holding space can truly help a person no matter what they’re going through…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Someone I really care about told me the other day that if things don’t get better by the time 2016 gets off and running, that they are going to kill themselves. I most certainly could relate to their anguish not only because I knew what they’ve been through over the past year, but also given what I’ve been through myself during the same period of time with my own battles with physical pain. But as much as my ego has often tried to convince me that suicide is the easiest way out to escape all my pain, I’ve come to realize and accept that it’s not. And although on those high pain-filled days it may seem quite tempting, I received an article not too long ago that gave me yet another reason why this is definitely not something I should ever consider.

The article came from my spiritual teacher and was about a woman who had been going through a very long course of mental and emotional pain herself. One day she decided she had enough of it in her life and took 90 pills to end it all. In her mind, she would just drift off to sleep and that would be that. What she never took into light was the fact that maybe (a) it wasn’t her time, and (b) that the attempt wouldn’t work. And when it didn’t and she came to in a hospital bed, things were far worse. On top of all the existing pain she had tried to escape, her body was now a complete mess with a total upheaval of her entire nervous system. She couldn’t talk without feeling like there were marbles in her mouth, she couldn’t move with ease like she could before the attempt, and about the best she could do once she was released from the hospital was empty the dishwasher on any given day. She said that it was as if she was a prisoner in her own body and knew everything that was going on, but was totally unable to function like she once used to. So not only was she far worse than she was prior to her suicide attempt, she now had a very long road to physical recovery as well. Eventually she did recover, many, many, many years later, through an incredible amount of physical and mental therapies. But looking back, she stated that suicide had been by far the worst choice she could have ever made for herself.

Reading that story in all honesty, scared the crap out of me. I can only imagine what might have happened back in 2011 when I actually did attempt suicide myself. If I hadn’t escaped all those carbon monoxide fumes I was subjecting myself too and somehow stayed within them for prolonged exposure and then lived to tell about it, I too might have been left in a far worse condition than I actually have been in the past few years of my life.

So while I may not currently be in the best state of mind and body, especially over the past year of my life, I know that suicide isn’t the answer, not only because I know my Higher Power has a greater plan for me and not only because I know there are many who truly care about me. Now I have another reason to see that attempting suicide could make things incredibly far worse for myself and take even more years away from the good life I know my Higher Power has planned for me. Thank God for my spiritual teacher sending me that article…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson