Category: Recovery From Addictions

“…if we are willing to receive that grace of God which can sustain and strengthen us in any catastrophe.” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 113)

Recovery from addictions isn’t a constant walk in the park. There will be many trials and tribulations along the way on everyone’s journey to recovery. The real question is how does one remain clean and sober when they occur? The answer’s simple, and Bill Wilson put it quite nicely when he said that all we need is the grace of God, as that can guide us through anything.

I can attest to Bill’s words as I just went through a week filled with several extremely difficult calamities. Over the course of just a few days last week, my sponsor passed away, one of my teacher’s students was accidentally shot and killed, and my youngest sponsees overdosed and died. Prior to fully living a 12 Step based life, my solution to handle any one of these would have been to succumb to some type of an addiction. Whether that was engaging in sex or porn, getting drunk, getting high, gambling, over-caffeinating, or binge shopping, it didn’t really matter as long as it would numb my pain. It took me a long time to desire a life where I didn’t want to numb myself. But it took me even longer to realize that the only thing I truly needed to get through any those was God. Working the 12 Steps began to show me this.

At first I fought the 12 Step process and kept a lot of my self-will. All that did was continue to drive me right back into my addictions when those misfortunes would happen. Hanging around the meeting rooms long enough helped to change that though and soon I started seeing many people who were navigating through all of life’s ups and downs just fine. The common denominator amongst all of them was to fully lean upon their Higher Power. I was initially clueless on what it truly meant to fully lean upon one’s Higher Power. Over time though, I was taught that it meant several things.

It meant a lot of praying.

It meant reaching out and helping others.

It meant attending more meetings.

And it meant asking for help and not trying to do it alone.

This past week, I did each of those things. I vigilantly prayed to stay clean and sober and sent my love to all those who were affected by these tragic deaths. I continued to reach out and help my other sponsees and even started the process of taking on someone new. I went to a few more meetings as well, and at each of them, I spoke about what I was going through. I even spent some extra time before and after those meetings to connect a little deeper with sober individuals.

Through all of it, I didn’t relapse on ANY of my addictions and trust me I would have in the past. I have to say that I wholeheartedly agree now with Bill Wilson’s words because time and time again, the only thing that has completely sustained and strengthened me in all of life’s catastrophes has been my relationship with God. I’m so thankful for that, and for the fact that I don’t need to numb myself anymore when any of life’s trials and tribulations comes my way, just like they did last week…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Thank God, I never did heroin when I was active in my alcohol and drug addiction. It’s probably a good thing too because I’m continuing to watch how it’s becoming the grim reaper of the new millennium. Sadly, the latest victim to fall prey to that hooded man with the scythe was my sponsee Derek B., who was only 22 years old.

Derek had an amazing heart with an incredible amount of desire to be free from his heroin addiction. I’ve worked with many so sponsees throughout the years, but no one was ever as dedicated to the recovery homework assignments as he was. Derek was also consistently a go-getter, meeting every single one of my sponsor requirements, day in and day out. I was always amazed at the fire I saw in his eyes for recovery. He truly wanted to lick his disease. Unfortunately, the disease got the best of him and won, like so many other tragic souls have already experienced in this world.

The day that Derek overdosed began in a way I never thought would end for him as it did. We met at my favorite local coffee shop, Bigby, to go over his 12-step work and discuss his progress on the 4^th Step. He had already come up with close to 200 names of people he had resentments with and was completely willing to work through each of them. I was incredibly surprised at how Derek had such a passion to do this specific step given that most newcomers always seem to despise it, like I once did. But Derek was different; he had the willingness to do whatever was necessary to overcome his drug addiction.

As the two of us sat there talking about his step work and recovery, I asked Derek what heroin was like for him. When he started describing it, I could feel the disease still working within him beckoning him to come back to it’s deathly grip. He asked me if I missed the taste of any of the beers or drugs I once consumed with great regularity. My response to him was a resounding “no”, and I explained the reason why was due to the damage and destruction all of it did in my life. I could see the pain in his eyes as he listened and I desperately wanted to take his disease away right then and there.

By the time we finished our weekly get together, the two of us departed for our home group that meets every day at noon. During the meeting, I chuckled as Derek had to remind me of my own cardinal rule of no cell phones in meetings when I had taken mine out for a brief moment. The fact is, the furthest thing from my mind at that point in time was thinking Derek was on the verge of a deadly relapse.

That’s how crafty and lethal this disease truly is, especially when it comes to heroin. How it works in the brain to convince a person to return to it I honestly can’t say. I just know it does all too often these days like it did with Derek. I also don’t know much about what took place in Derek’s life after the meeting ended that day. The last words we shared were over the phone as I thanked him for reminding me of my own cell phone rule. He told me he would call me back later, but that call never came.

At 1:30am the next morning, Derek was pronounced dead after he was found with a belt around his arm and all attempts to resuscitate him were of no avail.

I think back to all the moments I told Derek that he might not have another recovery story to tell if he has another relapse. After two stints in an in-patient drug abuse program, I thought he had really hit his bottom. Little did I know that he hadn’t or that his next relapse was one that was going to take his life?

I loved Derek greatly like a little brother and only wanted him to find a future where his Higher Power could lead the way to full recovery from his alcohol and drug addiction. I’m sad to say that didn’t happen, at least on this plane of existence, but I’m sure it’s happening now on another.

So Derek, wherever you are, I just want you to know, I love you greatly, and am grateful for the brief time I got to spend with you in recovery. Hopefully heroin and the grim reaper no longer have their icy grips on you and you are finally free and feeling the serenity you tried so hard to find. I will truly miss you bro, and my only prayer is that God is guiding your recovery now…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“Seldom makes long lasting friendships…”

These are a few of the words that appear under my Chinese zodiac (RAT). I see them every time I dine in an Asian restaurant that has those placements with the horoscopes printed on them. What’s frustrating about those words is how much truth they’ve held so far in my life.

I’m 42 years old and have approximately two people in my life that I met long ago and still regularly keep contact with. One is someone I met in my junior year of college, and the other is someone I met in my third year of sobriety. There are many people I know though who still have friendships with others that date as far back as grade school. Sadly, I don’t anymore, but I often wish I did. What’s ironic is that since the 11^th grade, I’ve never had a problem making friends and I always had plenty of them at any given point in time. The downside is that none of them have ever lasted that long.

Through the 12 Step recovery work from all of my addictions, I now understand the reason for this…

To have a long lasting friendship develop, it takes a lot of effort. From the start, I was never quite good at doing that unless it was with someone I was physically attracted to. In the cases where I was, I definitely made a ton of effort, but that was solely due to my self-seeking ways that were coming from a budding sexual addiction. In most cases, when I got what I wanted from those people, I stopped investing the heavy effort into getting to know them, and those connections would quickly end. When I didn’t get what I wanted from those people I was physically attracted to, I’d usually toss the connection out the window and move on. That’s how self-centered I was and that selfishness is the main reason why I have seldom made long-lasting friendships.

Over the years, so many people have come and gone from my life, many of which invested plenty of time and effort trying to get to know me. But if they weren’t my type, I rarely responded to their labors. It saddens me that I was this way for so long, but it surely does explain why my two closest friends from high school dropped out of my life long ago.

Today, this isn’t the case anymore. I don’t base the friendships I’m working on because of a physical attraction. Instead, I look at the spiritual side in everyone I meet and my only stipulation for making the effort is that the person isn’t severely active in any addiction.

I have a good number of friends now in the city I’m living in and I pray my efforts will eventually lead them to be long lasting. I’m thankful to my Higher Power for all those who have stuck around through all those years of addiction and self-centeredness. Besides the two I mentioned already, there are a few others I love dearly whom I hope will remain in my life for years to come. All I can do is make the effort not only with them, but with all the people I consider to be my friends in life right now.

Selfishness, self-centeredness, and addictions really do destroy the possibility of making any long lasting friendships. I lost plenty of people that could have been life long friends because of those things. Thankfully my addictions aren’t in charge anymore when I make a new friend and I’m making an equal effort with all of them now. So hopefully over time, those few words from my Chinese horoscope won’t be able to accurately describe me anymore. In the meantime, I’ll continue to practice gratitude for those friendships that truly have been long lasting in my life so far…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson