More On The 8th Step

When people talk about the 8th Step in the 12 Step recovery world, it frequently brings up more of a discussion on making an amends, then on what this step literarily requires. As written, the 8th Step states:

“Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”

As you can see in the wording of this step, it doesn’t require a person to make an actual amends at all. It only asks to make a list and be willing to do those amends later in the 9th Step. There’s a good reason why these two actions are separated out. Usually there’s a lot of fear that can come up for a person in recovery when they ponder all the people they harmed along the way during their active addiction days. Writing down a list of each of them is going to be tough enough and an ego-bruiser, so a person generally needs some time before proceeding on to making any of those amends.

Speaking of one’s ego, it’s very important to not allow it to drive the work on this step either. If it gets in charge, it often tries to rationalize who is put down on that list. It will drive a person to assume that a person who is no longer alive or cannot be found is not important for this step. It can also convince an individual that the harm done for some things is long ago and probably long forgotten. In either case, these ego actions will lead a person to the exact opposite of what this step is trying to achieve. Instead, the ego ends up creating a scanty list of easy amends. But the truth is that amends aren’t always easy, in fact, they frequently can be quite difficult. Thus, the reason why the only actions on this step are to simply write a list, and then be willing to make the amends sometime later.

It may help a person when doing this step to separate out their list into three different columns. The first being the amends they are willing to make right now. The second being the amends they are willing to make in the near future. And the third, being the amends that are the most difficult and might require a person to pray for more courage to write them down.

When I did my second 8th Step, I prayed to my Higher Power for the courage to remember all those I had harmed. When the answers came, I didn’t hold back from writing down anyone or anything and I realized how easy it is to forget about those I had harmed. Many of them were still there below my normal levels of consciousness; I just had to ask for the guidance and direction to see them. That wasn’t the case though when I did my first 8th Step. At that point in time, I was still running on more of my self-will versus my Higher Power’s will. My ego was a lot more in charge and substitute addictions still ruled a good portion of my life. Thus the list I produced was not in alignment will the second portion of the 8th Step, on “being willing to make amends to them all.” Thankfully, that wasn’t the case though in my second go around of this step.

All of what I’ve just mentioned are only suggestions for you when you get to working on the 8th Step. Just know if you happen to be there already; please don’t allow your ego to tell you how to do complete it. Pray instead for the courage and direction to do the work, as it will guide you to having much more thorough results. Know that while it may bring up a lot of fear as you do so, you only have to make a list and becoming willing to make each of those amends sometime later. And remembering that will make this step so much easier…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Heartache Of Sponsorship In Recovery

Many, many decades ago, Bill Wilson, the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, approached his wife Lois in complete distress. He complained to her about how frustrated he was becoming in his apparent lack of success of those he was trying to help get sober. Her response was one he couldn’t refute though when she indicated it was keeping him sober and how that was just as important. Nonetheless, the heartache that Bill had way back then with those he tried to sponsor is something I share in common with him.

Sponsorship of another, especially a newcomer fresh off their addiction, can be extremely tough. Many aren’t even close to being ready for the amount of work involved to find true recovery from their disease when they first arrive. Often they will take a few of the suggestions, such as getting a sponsor and going to meetings regularly, but sadly they frequently end up throwing the rest away. One of those that I suggest and have as a part of my own sponsorship protocol is that they contact their sponsor every single day for a quick check-in.

A daily phone check-in from every sponsee is something that I learned from my first sponsor. She asked me to pick up the phone daily and call her solely to let her know that I was ok and how my recovery was on that day. At first, I balked at the idea like I’m sure so many of her other sponsees had done at one time or another. But when she explained the importance of doing this, it made a lot more sense. If I couldn’t do this simple action or if I completely forgot to do it, then the reality was that my thoughts were probably not on sobriety and recovery that day. While I did end up calling her each and every day for over a year, I eventually slacked off and that’s about the same time that I began engaging in other substitute addictions. Thankfully I didn’t relapse back into my alcoholism and drug addiction, but I almost did as so many others do.

Recently, I was sponsoring someone who was struggling with many of my suggestions and requirements of sponsorship. He questioned much of the process I laid out for his recovery but I’ve come to learn that this is no different than how I was when I first found the 12 Steps. I proceeded forward with him anyway, placing all my heart into the work with him. After a week of getting his phone check-ins and hitting several meetings with him, the calls ended and he disappeared. After several attempts to get a hold of him, I learned from someone else that he had relapsed and was back out in the full throngs of his addiction once again.

Sadly, he’s just one of many I’ve sponsored who have done this. Most have lasted with me for just several weeks, while some have gone on for several months. But only two of them went on for beyond a year and ironically those two still remain clean and sober to this day. The rest, unfortunately, are still out there shooting up, getting drunk, and slowly killing themselves. And regrettably, most of them won’t ever make it back.

I had to tell myself a long time ago that I can only do my best to help pass on my experience, strength, and hope to every one of the people I sponsor. Whether they follow my suggestions and do the work is something that’s out of my control though. I really do place my heart into sponsorship and I love each and every individual I try to help. That’s what makes this process so difficult.

Seeing a sponsee relapse, watching them disappear, and often never hearing from them again does cause me a tremendous amount of heartache. While that heartache is frequently difficult to deal with, it hasn’t stopped me from putting my hand out to help another. That’s only because of what Lois Wilson said all those years ago. Sponsoring another does help keep a person clean and sober as it has for me, and I have an incredible amount of gratitude to my Higher Power for that…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

A Test Of Lust And Temptation

I am totally convinced that there are always going to various tests to each of our spiritual walks in life. They frequently come in the least suspecting ways and are often in those areas that have proven to be the most challenging for us to deal with. In my case, one of those tests came in the form of a very simple e-mail I received late last night.

This test began when I checked for any new e-mail on my Iphone in the earlier part of the evening. I noticed there was a single one that had come from my website’s submission page so I clicked it open. Soon after, I realized it was from someone who had been a huge part of my former active addiction-based years. Without going into too much detail, let me just say that it was from a man who was the mirror image at one time of my own sex and love based addiction. But even more importantly to admit is the thing that connected the two of us together for many years and that was lust.

Lust is something that took me away from my Higher Power time and time and time again. It’s something that led me into sexual behaviors with people who weren’t healthy for my spiritual growth. And it’s something that ended up making me extremely spiritually sick each time I engaged in it. Thankfully I immersed myself into the 12 Steps a few years ago and started to draw much closer to my Higher Power. Through all of that work I learned I needed to cut off contact from anyone or anything that triggered me into my sex and love addiction. And the man who had sent me that e-mail last night was close to the top of that list.

Have you ever had to face one of these types of situations where you knew what you needed to do, but your ego was telling you otherwise? This man was someone I spent days, weeks, months, and even years, fantasizing about, lusting over, and occupying a large part my life. In other words, I allowed his presence to completely consume a huge part of me. While I knew instantly when I got his e-mail that I needed to delete it, my mind kept saying, “It’s ok, respond and say hello, you’re stronger now!

This is addiction at it’s very best and worst. It’s what addiction does to someone and how it’s leads a person back into a relapse. It tries to tell you in a very innocent way that it will be better this time around. But what really is going on underneath those coy words is that the addiction is looking for a way to rear its ugly head again. To maintain sobriety and recovery, an alcoholic can NEVER take a single drink again, an addict can NEVER take a single drug again, a chronic gambler can NEVER go to a casino again, and a sex and love addict can NEVER give into their triggers again either.

And thankfully I didn’t!

I have a lot of gratitude this morning to my Higher Power for making the right decisions last night. Not only did I delete that e-mail without responding, I was also fully honest with my partner about it as well. My truth is that I don’t ever want to go back to the darkness I once lived in with that addiction. It destroyed my life, maybe even more than my alcohol and drug addiction did.

Whether that man I once lusted over and was tempted with regularly is healthier today or not doesn’t really matter. And whether I’m stronger or not in my life these days doesn’t really matter either. What truly matters is that I stay away from testing those waters ever again, because there’s a good chance if I do test them, I’m going to jump fully into them again, even if they are frigid or boiling hot to the touch.

So the bottom line is this. Whether you are recovering from an addiction or not, there’s always going to be tests that come to us in the least suspecting ways. Each is an opportunity for growth to see what’s more important in our life, our ego or our desire to be more spiritually grounded with our Higher Power. Choose the latter and your life is going to be filled with a lot less ups and downs and whole heck of lot more love and light.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson