Category: Recovery From Addictions

When I was first brought into this world, my Creator made me into something that I believe was most like a beautiful ceramic vase.

I was shiny, vibrant, and flawless in every way. People loved holding me, admiring me, and taking pictures of me. And I know that my Creator was so very happy of his masterpiece.

Unfortunately as I grew older, my vase began to sustain some damage. Small cracks would appear in me every time my parent’s alcoholism reared its ugly head. Chips would come out of me every time I was bullied in school. A large part of me cracked off when I was molested by an older man around the age of 12. It was then that my beautiful ceramic vase was no longer so shiny, vibrant, and flawless in every way.

When I found alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes were able to ease my childhood pains for a time, many more chips, dings, and cracks would happen to my once beautiful vase. By the time I found freedom from all those addictions, I was starting to look quite dull and become overlooked in life. Although I could still be filled with water and adorned with flowers, they would always wither within me after a short period of time.

For the next twelve years, I kept running away from the Creator of my once beautiful ceramic vase. During that time, several more large chunks of me would fall out as I became active in many other toxic addictions and had to endure not only my father’s suicide, but also my mother’s tragic death when she fell down the stairs drunk. Somehow, all of the patchwork I did to my once beautiful ceramic vase kept me together, except now; I was something that only my Creator was able to still see my original beauty.

And then the day arrived when a seven year relationship to someone I loved dearly had come to an end and I found that money wasn’t going to buy me happiness. All at once a huge crack appeared on my once beautiful ceramic vase, and suddenly I shattered completely apart into a million pieces.

It was then that I did my best to pick up all of them and trudge on a long road to find my Creator again. My only hope was that I could be fully repaired. The first destination on that road was when I entered the recovery world and began practicing the 12 Steps. I soon discovered that my original vase was totally beyond repair. Every time I tried to glue together some of my old pieces, I would fall back apart. Every time I poured water into me, it would spill back out.

Through the 3rd Step in recovery, I finally realized I had only one solution to rectify this. That was when I got on my knees a few years ago, and asked my Creator to make me into an entirely brand new, beautiful ceramic vase.

One that will become stronger than ever before…

One that will become more beautiful than ever…

And one that will become so full of life, it will draw flowers to it. Even those that are withering, but each will find life upon meeting the water within it.

Today, I am beginning to see how I am becoming that. While I know my vase is still being etched, shaped, and formed into another masterpiece by my Creator, I can see those things I prayed for are slowly coming true within it. But even more importantly, as long as I stay close to my Creator from here on out, I truly believe that my beautiful ceramic vase will never lose its shine, vibrancy, or become flawed ever again…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Many people are often completely unaware they even have an addiction, let alone the destruction that’s taking place in their life because of it. Thankfully, the first step, in all 12-Step Recovery programs, helps a person deal with these things. The first part of Step One is admitting the powerlessness a person has over their addiction. The second part, which can often be much harder to face, is admitting that one’s life has also become unmanageable from doing that addiction.

So what is meant by unmanageability?

Here are just some of the warning signs for when an addiction could be causing unmanageability in one’s life:

1. Calling in sick to work regularly.

2. Leaving work early or arriving late regularly.

3. Racking up debt and failing to keep bills current.

4. Skipping household cleaning to the point where the home becomes filthy.

5. The refrigerator or home becoming filled with spoiling or already rotten food.

6. Working long hour’s daily.

7. Shopping and spending money on things not needed.

8. Overly cleaning.

9. Greatly reducing one’s hours of sleep.

10. Over-scheduling.

11. Failing to get to scheduled appointments.

12. Procrastination on normal life duties.

13. Speeding, stealing, and breaking the law in general.

14. Having to seek caffeine or other substances to keep you going for the day.

15. Having to seek pills or other substances to take the edge off for the day.

16. Loss of friendships.

17. Loss of partner, wife, or intimate relationship.

18. Being fired from a job.

19. Losing one’s own business.

20. Spending countless hours on the Internet.

21. Failing to shower and stay clean.

22. Losing one’s home.

23. Having one’s possessions repossessed.

24. Avoiding phone calls.

25. Having to lie regularly.

Over the years I have learned from so many people, the amount of unmanageability that came from their active addictions. In my case, while I was able to readily admit I was powerless over all of my addictions, I never wanted to face the unmanageability they were creating in my life. So I stayed sick and suffered the consequences.

I lost count of the number of family get-togethers I avoided to act out in my addictions. I watched my own business fail due to my addictions. I saw several long-term relationships fall apart due to my addictions. I lost many friends due to my addictions. And yet, I continued to do them until I was willing to not only admit I was powerless of those addictions, but that my life truly had become unmanageable because of them.

Today, I’m not active in any addiction and I have to thank to my Higher Power for that. And because of this, my life is not unmanageable anymore.

If your life is becoming or has already become unmanageable, you may want to look at what addiction(s) could be controlling your life. Until you admit you’re powerless over them and that your life has become unmanageable from doing them, the destruction they are creating is only going to get worse. Seek 12 Step Recovery and I promise you that your life will start getting better…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill Wilson states that the root of all one’s addiction troubles is selfishness and self-centeredness. In many religions, including Christianity, Buddhism, and Hinduism, those traits are incompatible within oneself, if they desire to walk a spiritually based life. The more that I’ve done my absolute best to walk on that path, the more I have been able to see when any of my behaviors are still exhibiting those traits. In the 12-Step recovery world, the 10th Step is a tool I use regularly to identify those times. One such occasion actually occurred during my recent vacation with my partner.

I’ve always tried to take an annual vacation in the Caribbean or somewhere else that’s warm during the cold winter months. Living in those Northern states where the winters can get quite harsh drives me to the need for a reprieve from it for at least a week or two every single year. With the exception of maybe a few years, I’ve been doing this annual migration south for the past decade. Now that I have partner in my life, I’ve been able to go on them with someone I deeply care about and love.

When I took last year’s vacation with my partner, I made a decision that I didn’t put much thought towards. I decided to fly down a few days ahead of him to the island of Puerto Rico and stay at a resort all by myself. I justified my action with the attitude that I could do it because I wasn’t tied down to a job or school like he was. When last year’s entire vacation was over, my partner told to me it would have been nice to begin and end the vacation together. Those were wise words that I failed to heed.

When 2014 rolled around and it came time to take my vacation again, I had already made a decision to go on it a few days earlier than my partner once again. I said I was going to use that time to get to some recovery meetings and spend some time with myself. My partner asked me to reconsider multiple times and yet I didn’t listen. When one of my sponsees asked me on several different occasions before I left why I was going on this vacation alone for a few days when I had a partner, it began to sit uncomfortably within me. I’ve learned in my life that when something does this, that there must be a lesson within it. And indeed there was.

Those first few days on my vacation this year were eye opening for me. I didn’t feel very well throughout most of them on so many levels. It ended up completely slowing me down to the point where I was forced to reflect on how my decision to start my vacation early was somewhat selfish and self-centered. I realized that the downfall of many of my past relationships was based upon decisions like that one.

In all of my previous relationships, including even my friends, I generally thought most about me first, and them second. With my current partner, he and I are only afforded the luxury of taking one extended vacation per year. With that being said, I realized in all those moments I wasn’t feeling well that I lost the chance to fly out with him and mutually experience the excitement of getting to somewhere warm. I realized I missed out on several moments that could have connected the two of us even closer and in a spiritual way. But most importantly, I utilized the 10th Step from my recovery in those moments by taking a personal inventory. And that’s when I realized I was wrong in my decision to travel on that vacation alone for a few days.

As the 10th Step indicates, when we were wrong, we promptly admitted it. And I did just this the day before my partner was to arrive at the airport. I contacted him and told him that my decision had been selfish and self-centered. I also made him a promise that I would not repeat that action again for the vacation we would take next year. After our conversation, it actually felt as if a burden was lifted off of my chest. I became more relaxed and started feeling much better. When my partner arrived the very next day, it was a night and day difference in how I felt from those first few days when I spent them alone taking care of my selfishness.

The moral of this story is quite simple. Each and every day all of us in this world, whether we are in recovery or not, have the ability to reflect back on all the things we did during that day. While some of our actions may have been truly selfless and inspiring, many were still laden with selfishness and self-centeredness. For those in recovery and those trying to walk a Higher Ground, those traits are poison and can lead us back into addiction-like behaviors and darkness. Thankfully, my relationship with my Higher Power helped me to see one of those times. And hopefully, it can help all of you see yours as well, so that we may all be on the path together towards spiritual enlightenment and unconditional love.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson