Category: Recovery From Addictions

One of the oldest sayings an individual often hears in any 12 Step program says that a person must be willing to go to any length to get recovery from their addiction. Unfortunately, that frequently ends up not being the case for far too many of the people who hear it. Instead, what generally happens to them is that they’re only willing to go to convenient lengths to get it.

Before I provide some examples of what those convenient lengths look like in recovery, it’s probably best to explain something first. When a person such as myself is actively addicted to anything, there’s no obstacle that ever gets in my way to acquiring it. I can remember countless blizzards and other treacherous weather conditions where I went out looking for alcohol and drug fixes. I also can remember going into the wee hours of many mornings on my computer ignoring my need for sleep, while looking at one pornographic image or video after another. And I can even remember those times when my bills were piling up and yet I was spending dollar after dollar gambling, shopping, or going on vacations.

For whatever the reason, many don’t follow the same drive once they find recovery. Instead, they cut corners like I once did. Here are some examples of what that looks like:

1. People told me to pray on my knees and get humble every morning and night in recovery. I always started out that way until I began making excuses to myself as to why I didn’t have to do that. I’d tell myself that it wasn’t written anywhere requiring me to do that. I’d say I was too tired, or too much in pain, or I’d find some other trivial excuse. Eventually, all of those excuses led me to forgetting to pray or just choosing to not pray at all.

2. People told me to get to recovery meetings as often as I could. I always started out attending at least one each day. But as time moved forward, attending seven of those a week became more like one a week. That’s only because I began making those same excuses to myself saying I was too tired, too much in pain, or of all things, even blaming the weather or some other lame excuse that would never have stopped me in the past from acquiring some addiction fix.

3. People told me to keep my phone off during recovery meetings and pay attention. I always started out that way until I began making everything else more important in my life than to who was actually speaking at each of those meetings. I became more concerned with texting someone I felt I had to text or e-mailing a person I felt I had to e-mail. Eventually that led to me using meeting times to surf the web on my phone.

4. People told me to call my sponsor in recovery each and every day to check in, even if it was just for a minute or two. Early on I did that until I allowed my life to start consuming me. It’s then that I became too busy or too involved with things and quickly placed those phone check-ins as an optional task in life. Being too tired or feeling sick were common excuses here too. Eventually I would stop calling my sponsor pretty much altogether.

I could go on and on and on with the amount of things that were suggested of me in all of my recovery programs that I continuously let slide to the wayside. In every case, it was always due to the same thing. I was only willing to go to convenient lengths in my recovery, unlike how I was in my quest to get that addiction fix of any sort.

If you want those promises to come true that are read in just about ever type of recovery meeting for any addiction, then you really need to know just one thing. You MUST be willing to go to ANY length to get full recovery. Convenient lengths will get you only a convenient recovery. And that convenient recovery will last for only so long before you’re back out seeking your addiction again. I should know as it took me close to sixteen years of time in sobriety to figure that out.

So take it from a guy like me who banged my head against the wall more times than I can count. Being only willing to go to convenient lengths and making those excuses to avoid those simple suggestions did nothing more for me than lead me back down a dead-end addiction-prone path. The only way I ever found full recovery from all addictions and a strong relationship to my Higher Power (God), was to become willing to go to any lengths to get it. Hopefully now, you’ll be more willing to go to ANY length to get it for yourself…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

If you’ve read any of my previous blogs, then you’ll probably know by now that I’m recovering from multiple addictions I’ve suffered from throughout life. I’m truly grateful that I’ve been able to build up good sobriety time in each of them, including the year and a half I have now in my recovery from a sex and love addiction. Three years ago, I attended my first recovery meeting for this addiction where I was handed a pamphlet entitled “40 Questions For Self-Diagnosis”. What’s interesting is how different my answers are to those questions today as compared to back then.

I never answered those 40 questions that day when I received that pamphlet. Part of me knew already what it would show me, and another part of me wasn’t ready at the time to fully let this addiction go. But after I went through a lot more pain from acting out in this addiction, I finally did. And when I was done, a “Yes” could be found next to thirty-six of them! I was horrified to realize just how much of a sex and love addict I had become and saddened that it had taken me so long to hit rock bottom in that addiction.

Since April 21st, 2012, I have been working diligently to recover from my sex and love addiction. I believe it did more damage to my life than any of my other addictions did combined. I think that’s only because I let it go on for so long without realizing how much I really had a problem. It can be rather hard for a person to realize that things like sex and love can even be addictive in nature. The consequences are often more subtle than what other addictions can do to a person. In my case, while my addictions to alcohol, drugs, and gambling affected me greatly from living life on a normal basis, my sex and love addiction didn’t.

I spent years chasing one sexual escapade after another, falling in codependent love again and again, racking up countless hours looking at porn, constantly verbalizing sexual innuendoes, and flirtatiously chatting with people on the Internet I’d never meet. Through all of that, the worst I ever experienced was having a tremendous amount of ups and downs in my life. Yet, I was still able to function on most days doing my normal routines unlike what the rest of my addictions had done to my life. I believe this is what makes a sex and love addiction so difficult to diagnose in someone.

People ask me all the time these days how they would know if they had a problem with this addiction. Trying to answer that for him or her is difficult because it’s different for each and every person. There really isn’t a cut and dry image of a sex and love addict, unlike that of a seasoned alcoholic or drug addict. As I said already, many sex and love addicts can manage living their lives just fine and may never feel like they have a problem. In my case, that was true until I made a realization one day that my happiness was totally dependent on my sex and love behaviors. For others, it’s also been true until their addiction got them arrested, or caused a divorce, or contracted them a serious disease. Thankfully none of those things had to happen to me to face my own sex and love addiction. But in all cases, it really is best to refer anyone asking about a sex and love addition to that 40 questions pamphlet. Because ultimately, if each are answered honestly, a person will clearly see whether they are or aren’t a sex and love addict like I did after doing it.

I recently took the time to answer each of those questions again for where I’m at in my recovery from this addiction today. Ironically, I was able to mark “No” next to all of them. That’s a far cry from the 36 “Yes’s” I once got from it three years ago, but I know that doesn’t mean I’m cured from this addiction or that I’ve graduated in my recovery program from it. All it means is that this addiction isn’t in charge of my life anymore. Truthfully, God is, and I believe that’s the only reason why I’m able to answer “No” next to each of them now.

While it’s never my place to tell a person whether they’re a sex and love addict or not, I know there is a great tool out there that can help them start trying to figure it out for themselves. And it’s a pamphlet entitled the “Sex And Love Addiction 40 Questions For Self-Diagnosis”. If you are someone who has been questioning whether you’re suffering from this addiction or not, I encourage you to click the link I’ve provided below. It will take you to a page that lists those 40 questions and there you may find the answer to your question like I once did several years ago…

http://www.slaafws.org/download/core-files/The_40_Questions_of_SLAA.pdf

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop __________.”

This line is an excerpt taken from the Preamble of 12-Step based recovery meetings. If you’ve ever attended any of those types of meetings, then you’ve probably heard it before. But if you haven’t, it may just be the MOST important thing you need to know if you should ever find yourself searching for recovery from any type of addiction.

Unfortunately, there is a gross misconception in this world about all 12-Step based recovery groups such as AA, NA, CA, Al-Anon, etc.  Too many people believe that each all cults and that there’s specific protocols to gaining membership to them. Sadly, this is quite far from the truth. Unfortunately, that excerpt above has also be misleading for many newcomers. So let me set a few things straight if you happen to be someone who’s seeking recovery from an addiction or just inquiring into 12-Step based programs.

12-Step based recovery meetings don’t actually have any requirements for membership. In fact, there aren’t any specific “memberships” at all. To be a “member” of a group, it’s as simple as putting your name and number on a list so that others you meet in the group may contact you. But you should also know that a newcomer doesn’t even have to be a “member” of a group either. I went for the first 12 years of my recovery from alcohol and drugs to many different meetings where I never once put my name on any list.

In addition, while there are certain groups out there which cater to women, gays and lesbians, deaf, Spanish, etc., none of them are specific clubs with elusive membership. The only thing a newcomer ever really needs to pay attention to when coming around to any 12-Step based recovery meeting for the first time is to look for an “Open” meeting. That’s only because when a meeting is labeled as “Closed”, it’s for those who have accepted they have an addiction. For those coming around to a 12-Step based recovery meeting for the first time, many of them haven’t even come to the place yet of stating they’re an addict of any kind. Hence the reason for having those “Open” meetings.

The bottom line is this. 12-Step based recovery groups are not clubs. They are not cults. They don’t have requirements for membership. It is only hoped that if you find yourself seeking one of them out, it’s because you have some form of an addiction that you want to find recovery from.

So if you happen to be someone who’s suffering from an addiction of any kind but haven’t checked out any 12-Step based recovery meeting yet, all you really need to know is just one thing. There are NO requirements for you to go to any one of them, but it is our hope if you do, that you have the desire to stop your addiction once and for all. And if you don’t, then I pray that God will help get you there so that your addiction won’t tear your life apart any more than it may already have…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson