Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Fellow 1 : “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. And it ended up being the right year too. Not only that, but he also knew what time he would die that day as well, and he ended being right about that too.” 
Fellow 2 : “Wow, that’s Incredible. How did he know all that? Was he psychic or something?” 
Fellow 1 : “Naw, his judge told him.”

Silly Joke #2

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards to all her friends and loved ones. She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?” The clerk says, “What denomination?” The woman says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Ok, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”

Silly Joke #3

Two very negative businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. One of them, suddenly says to the other, ‘You know what I can’t stand?” “What’s that?” His business partner responded, “That we’re always getting interrupted by someone looking in our store window, then pounding on our door and asking what type of store this is.” “I agree!” No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked up to the window, took a peek, and then pounded on the door. When the irritated business partner opened it, the individual asked, “So, what are you selling here?” The businessman who had just brought this up answered sarcastically, “We’re selling assh*les buddy…” while his business partner laughed cynically. The senior citizen responded, “Well from the looks of it, it’s a success, as there’s only two left!!!”

Bonus Silly Joke

A physician had just finished up a successful colonoscopy where there were no negative findings and was now meeting with the patient post-procedure letting him know. 
Physician: “So, all is looking great! Do you have any more questions for me?” 
Patient: “Just one Doctor, is there any way you could you write a note for my wife?” 
Physician: “What ever for?” 
Patient: “I need you to tell her that my head really isn’t up there ok?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe. “This place,” the guide told them, “is 600 years old. The owners have never had a single stone in it touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years…” “Wow,” said one of the American tourists dryly, “they must have the same landlord I have!”

Silly Joke #2

A Canadian customer not too proficient with computers was calling the Microsoft Office help desk to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.
Agent: “Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command.”
Caller: “Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?”
Agent: “Well, you just press Control-A.”
Caller (after a pause): “Well, that’s not working for me.”
Agent: “Do you have a text document open in front of you?”
Caller: “Yes, I sure do.”
Agent: “OK, now press Control-A.”
Caller: “I am, but nothing happens.”
Agent: “The text isn’t highlighted?”
Caller: “No, there’s no change at all.”
Agent: “That’s odd. If you press Control-A the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what’s happening.”
Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): “Listen. I’m pressing Control, eh? And nothing’s happening, eh?”

Silly Joke #3

Every newspaper in New York sent a reporter and a staff photographer to the office of a local ophthalmologist when it was learned that he recently performed a successful sight-saving operation on the wife of the country’s most celebrated mural artist, who, in addition to paying the doctor’s usual fee, had gratefully insisted on painting one of his contemporary masterpieces across an entire wall of the doctor’s waiting room. The mural turned out to be an immense multicolored picture of a human eye, in the center of which stood a perfect miniature likeness of the good doctor himself. While cameras clicked and most of the newsmen crowded around the famous artist for his comments, one cub reporter drew the eye specialist aside and asked: “Tell me, if you can, Doctor-what was your first reaction on seeing this fantastic artistic achievement covering an entire wall of your office?” “Honest to God, to tell the truth…” the physician replied, “my first thought was, thank goodness I’m not a proctologist!”

Bonus Silly Joke

The marriage between the aging farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, especially in the bedroom, so they consulted a specialist for advice. “The next time you’re down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife don’t wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you’re doing and go to the house,” said the doctor. “I already tried that,” said the farmer, “But by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it’s no use.” The doctor thought for a minute, “Ok, well, take your shotgun with you then when you leave the house in the morning and if you’re feeling that urge if you know what I mean, shoot the gun and she will come down there where you are.” A few weeks later the aging farmer sees the specialist while in town getting supplies. “How did it work out?” asked the doctor. “It was great the first three days,” said the farmer, “But then hunting season opened and I haven’t seen her since!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

On the way to kindergarten, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it. “Be still, my heart,” thought the doctor. “My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!” Then his little girl spoke into the instrument, “Welcome to McDonald’s! May I take your order?”

Silly Joke #2

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, “Ya know since summer started, I’ve been having trouble with mice in my church. I’ve tried everything–noise, spray, cats–nothing seems to scare them away. The second Pastor then said “Yup, me too. I’ve got tons of them living in the basement of my church. I’ve set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still aren’t going away.” With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, “I had the same problem so I baptized them all and made them members of the church and I haven’t seen one back since!!!”

Silly Joke #3

“I think I need a new doctor!” said Lauren to her girlfriend Karen. “Why?” said Karen. “Well, I went to my doctor recently and he said to me during my checkup, “Don’t eat anything fatty.” “What’s wrong with that advice? Karen responded feeling confused. “Because after that I said, “What, like bacon and burgers? and he said, “No, I mean you, Fatty, don’t eat anything!”

Bonus Silly Joke

An Ohio family of Buckeye football supporters head out one Saturday to an outlet mall to do some tax-free back to school shopping. While in the sports shop Little Johnny picks up a Michigan jersey and says to his older sister, “I’ve decided to become a Wolverines fan and I would like to wear this to school”. His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, “Go talk to mother”. Off goes the little lad with the Michigan jersey in hand and finds his mother. “Mom?” “Yes son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be a Michigan fan and I would like to buy this jersey”. The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, “Go talk to your father!” Off he goes with the Michigan jersey in hand and finds his father. “Dad?” “Yes son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be a Michigan fan and I would like to buy this jersey”. The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says,”No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT CRAP!” About half an hour later they’re all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says “Son, I hope you’ve learned something today?” Little Johnny says, “Yes, Dad, I have.” “Good son, what is it?” To which the son replies, “I’ve only been a Michigan Wolverines fan for an hour and already I hate you Ohio State Buckeye bastards.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson