Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A man was in a terrible accident, and his ‘manhood’ was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for ‘small’, $6,500 for ‘medium’, and $14,000 for ‘large’. The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. ‘What’s wrong, did you and your wife discuss the procedure?’ asked the doctor. ‘Doc, we did talk about it, but she said she’d rather remodel our kitchen!’, said the man gloomily.

Silly Joke #2

A woman in her 30’s was taking her mother, who was in her 50’s, to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her 7-year old daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, “Don’t we look pretty today”, as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing. When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset and remained silent until they got back to her daughter’s home. Then the following conversation ensued:
Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, “Don’t we look pretty today”, while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?
Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn’t referring to your hairstyle or something?
Mother: Well, it still wasn’t appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?
Daughter: I don’t know. We’re you embarrassed?
Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don’t think he should have commented!
Daughter: I don’t have any FDS.
Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment…
Granddaughter: Oh Grammy, that’s my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!!!

Silly Joke #3

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator, which she did. The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York , she decided to teach the guy a lesson and announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, ‘Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?’ Not one hand went up..nor did the man come claim them at that point, so feeling satisfied, she took them home and ate them herself. Men just never learn!

Bonus Silly Jokes (I found three more today that were so corny, I just couldn’t resist myself!)

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, “Hey, sarge, why did you stop?!” The sarge replied, “Well, he’s in Georgia now and they’re an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never be able to catch him.”

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest. Looking at them, the wife said to her husband “I don’t know whether to watch them or the game!” Husband said, “Honey, I think you should watch them. You already know how to play volleyball…”

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady. He asked a nearby trainer, “What machine could I use to really impress that pretty little lady over there?” The trainer looked him up and down and said, “I think I would try the ATM in the lobby if I were you.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Two Viagra pills walked into a bar. They sat down next to two marijuana plants who were engrossed in an animated discussion.  “I don’t get it,” one marijuana plant said to the other, “Why aren’t we legal everywhere yet? Nobody’s getting hurt by us.” One of the viagra pills scoffed at them. The marijuana plant turned to him and asked, “What’s your problem, don’t you think we should be legal?” “No”, the viagra pill replied. “We’re hard-on drugs!”

Silly Joke #2

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: “Hon, can you get me a beer before it starts!” The wife sighed and got him a beer. Ten minutes later, he said: “Hey Hon, can you get me another beer before it starts!” She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said,” Hey Hon? Can you please get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute!” The wife was furious. “Is that all you’re going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore…” The man sighed and said, “It’s started!”

Silly Joke #3

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.” So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.” The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and after convincing the bartender he has money, orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money when asked to pay up. So the bartender slaps him around even more this time and then throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk shows he finally has some money to pay for drinks and orders drinks for all except the bartender. “What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender sarcastically. “Oh, no. You get wayyyy too violent when you drink!”

Bonus Silly Joke (2 quick ones!)

There are three kinds of men in this world…
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
The rest get married and wonder what happened!!!

Patient: I’m suffering dreadfully from insomnia. I’ve tried all sorts of home remedies, but I can find nothing that will send me to sleep.”
Doctor: ”Why don’t you just try talking to yourself?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A woman went to the doctor’s office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

Silly Joke #2

Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, “Let’s watch the registration table to see if there’s a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in.” Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, “Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput.” He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant. The attendant says, “Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information.” Hearing that, the first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: “Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin.” The attendant says, “Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!” The second guy then grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states in a pretty good Australian accent: “Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus.” The attendant says, “Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself.” They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan – OH NO. He is not too bright. They forgot to make sure he doesn’t do something stupid and blow their cover stories. They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: “Foster Bean. USA. Fencing.”

Silly Joke #3

Three women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them. As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him. However, his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped his pants. She remarked, “Well, he’s not my husband.” The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, “Your right, he’s not your husband.” The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, “And he’s definitely not from our village either!!!”

Bonus Silly Joke

A recent survey was conducted that asked women of what they thought of their ass. 85% of women said that they thought that their ass was too big. 10% of women said that they thought that their ass was too small. And the remaining 5% of women asked if they were referring to their backside or their husbands.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?” The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose.”

Silly Joke #2

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.” “Oh really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.” “Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?” “Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'” “Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?” “Well, you know”, said the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”

Silly Joke #3

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said “Unfortunately, there’s only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.” The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, “Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.” The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, “OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.” Dolly was outraged and asked, “What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me? “Sorry, Dolly,” said the Angel, “but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair – no matter how big they are!”

Bonus Silly Joke

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.” “Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.” George was brokenhearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.” Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half sister too, George. “I’m awfully sorry about this.” George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.” “Hee hee,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A young man and woman were eager to enjoy a picnic in the park one Saturday noon, and they opted to go through a fast-food drive-in for a quick snack. They ordered, paid, got their bag of goodies, and headed for the park. When they opened the bag, it was full on money instead of the hamburgers they expected. They rushed back to the fast-food place and returned the money. “This is WONDERFUL,” exclaimed the manager. “We’ve been looking for this money all morning and couldn’t figure out where it could have been misplaced. You two are an honest couple. A lot of people would not have the morals and honesty to return the money. I’m going to call the TV and the newspapers and let everybody know what an honest deed you’ve done.” “OH, please don’t do that,” says the man, “my wife might see it on TV.”

Silly Joke #2

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.” The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. “Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?” “A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!” And the old man enjoyed peace.

Silly Joke #3

“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate. “Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.” “Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?” “He was the original owner!!!”

Bonus Silly Joke

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. “There is a blind man to see you,” she says. “Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I’m in the shower. Send him in.” The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: “That’s nice and all, ma’am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Sue and Jane are shopping together at the supermarket. When they get to the vegetables, Sue hefts a good sized potato in each hand and says, “You know, Jane, these remind me of John’s balls.” Jane, impressed says, “Hmm, that big, huh?” “No”, Sue answers. “That dirty!!!”

Silly Joke #2

Dorothy is out looking for a special pet, and so she’s trying all the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, “I’ve got just the thing for you madam. I’ll go get him.”  With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little dog. “This dog is a special dog,” he tells her. “It is able to fly,” he explains, and with that he throws the dog up into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop much to her surprise. There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say the word ‘my’, he’ll eat whatever you’ve mentioned. Watch. “My apple!” The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he produced from his pocket. “He’s cute, and so unusual. I’ll take him,” she says, and a few minutes later she’s heading to the parking lot with her new dog when she sees her ex-husband who left her for another woman and never gave her the love she deserved. “Oh hi Stan, I finally decided to get a pet who not only will love me unconditionally like you couldn’t, but he also has a true gift!” she says sarcastically. “Oh really Dorothy? What’s so special al this mutt?” he says negatively looking down at her new dog. “He can fly!” she exclaims. The husband peers more intently at the dog, and then remarks, “Fly eh?.. Ha! My ass!”

Silly Joke #3 (Especially for my partner Chris!)

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher. “Johnny,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?” “My daddy said it,” he responded. “Well, that doesn’t matter,” explained the teacher. “You don’t even know what it means.” “I do, too!” Little Johnny retorted. “It means someone just cut him off on the road!”

Bonus Silly Jokes (Three short, but kind of really funny corny ones!!!)

Martha is heading into the store when she runs into Mary. “Hi Martha, what are you up to?” says Mary. “Well, I need to return this sweater I bought as it was picking up too much static electricity.” responds Martha. “Are you going to buy another one?” “Well actually, I’m hoping they give me another one, free of charge.”

A man was found guilty of overusing commas. The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.

I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary! So, I said, “Mark, my words!!!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Little Johnny: Dad, will you help me do my homework?”
Dad”: I’m sorry,” replied the father. “It wouldn’t be right.”
Little “Johnny: Well, ” said little Johnny, “at least you could try.”

Silly Joke #2

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell!” “My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.” “The problem is,” she complained, “it wakes me up!!!”

Silly Joke #3

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, “I was cleaning the Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!” “What did you do?” the other two nuns asked. “Well, of course I threw them in the trash.” The second nun said, ” Well, I can top that, I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!” “Oh my!” gasped the other two nuns. “What did you do?” they asked. “I poked holes in all of them,” she replied. The third nun suddenly exclaimed, “Oh crap!!!”

2 Bonus Silly Jokes (For adults only)

Man: “Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Oh never mind, it’s too long.” he said laughing.
Woman: “Want to hear a joke about my vagina? Never mind, you’ll never get it.” she said with a chuckle.

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.” She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping up her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.” He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1 (Two alcohol jokes)

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, “Do you know her?” “Yes,” sighs the husband, “she’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.” “My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?” 

7 Would-Be Great Warnings On Any Bottles of Booze

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up naked next to someone you don’t know and probably want to keep it that way.

Silly Joke #2

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, “For our anniversary this year you can ask me one question, any question you want to and I will answer it truthfully no matter what!” The husband replies, “Okay, this has been bothering me for a very long time, but I haven’t had the courage to ask before…but I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another except one. I can’t figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?” The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes.  Finally, she replies remorsefully, “Yes. Yes, he did have a different father than the rest. Her husband was taken aback and slowly responds, “Please, you must tell me who the child’s father was. I must know.” Again she struggles to look into his eyes. She is obviously very distressed now. After a long silence, she says slowly, “You’re his father.”

Silly Joke #3

Some Really Great Church Bulletin Blunders:

“The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.””
“Today’s Opening Hymn: “Angels We Have Heard Get High.””
“The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.”
“Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping.”
“Don’t let worry kill you, let the church help.”
“This evening at 7:00 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.”
“The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Ralph Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Annual Hanging of the Greens.”
“The beautiful flowers on the altar this morning are to celebrate the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.”

Bonus Silly Joke

Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there’s a big, bearded man standing there. “Name’s Lars …Your neighbor from forty miles away….Having a birthday party Friday … Thought you might like to come. About 5… “Great,” says Sam, “after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.” As Lars is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you…There’s gonna be some drinkin’.” “Not a problem… after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em.” Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. “More’n’likely gonna be some fightin’ too.” Sam says, “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.” Once again Lars turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.” “Now that’s really not a problem,” says Sam. “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?” Lars stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us”. 

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A couple had been married 50 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows. They were discussing the details of their second wedding with their friends. She wasn’t going to wear a traditional bridal gown, and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with her dress. She replied, “Silver.” At that point, her husband chimed in, “Yep, silver… to match her hair.” Shooting a glaring look at his bald spot, her friend shot back, “So I guess you’re going barefoot.”

Silly Joke #2 (2 quick ones)

Q: A Sunday School teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”
A: “No,” replied Johnny. “How could he with just two worms?”

Little Johnny: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you did the right thing honey!
Little Johnny: But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy’s lap!

Silly Joke #3

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head’s office. He’s a friendly guy and, on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable communication, although he always seems to be a man of few words. While I was in his office, I asked him, “Sir, what is the secret of your success?” He said, “Two words.” “And, Sir, what are they?” “Right decisions.” he said. “But how do you make right decisions?” I asked. “One word,” he responded. “And, Sir, what is that?” I asked. “Experience.” he said. “And how do you get experience?” I asked. “Two words.” he said. “And, Sir what are they?” “Wrong decisions.” he said.

Bonus Silly Joke (Adults Only)

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. “Do you and your wife ever do it, well you know, like doggie style and stuff?” asked the one boldly. “Well, not exactly.” his friend replied, “she’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.” “Like kinky and stuff???” he continued to asked quite forward. “Well, not exactly – I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.” his friend said shrugging his shoulders.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it,” I’m sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I’m not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I’ll have to get back to you then.” He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, “Now, what can I do for you?” “Nothing,” replied the man. “I’m here to hook up your phone.” 

Silly Joke #2

At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words ‘sex’ and ‘love.’ The woman wrote: “When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Sam and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical sex with one another.” And Sam wrote: “I love sex.”

Silly Joke #3

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Oh, you don’t have to worry about that, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

Bonus Silly Joke

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that. The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. “Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was too hard of work for him now. His only son, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Son:

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:

For heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the BODIES.

Love, your son.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

A few days later, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, your son.

Silly Joke #2

A nurse had to take her female patient back to her room after surgery. The woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and was rather confused. After the nurse had made her comfortable, she went back to her station where she was suddenly confronted with several of her patient’s friends who asked, “How is she?” The nurse replied, “Oh, she’s quite dopey.” One of the friends said, “We know that, but how is she health-wise?”

Silly Joke #3

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool. On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently. “What are you doing?” the priest asks. The pastor looks up. “I’m just dedicating the car to the Lord’s service.” “Good idea! Be right back!” the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car. The rabbi stares. “What are you doing?” he says. “I’m consecrating it with holy water,” the priest replies. “Great idea!” the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue’s toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.

Bonus Silly Joke

A man walked into a new psychologist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.” “What’s the problem?” the psychologist inquired. “Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.””My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.” The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. “Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor. “It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.” “So, what’s the problem then?” “I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “But, my wife does.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A soldier was stationed abroad and received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home. It read: “Dear Dave, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent you. Love, Kim.” The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Kim, Dave included all the other pictures of pretty girls he had collected from his buddies. There were 43 photos in the envelope along with a note that read: “Dear Kim, I’m so sorry but I can’t remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take care, Dave.”

Silly Joke #2

A couple return from their honeymoon and it’s obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom’s best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong. “Well,” replied the man, “when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.” “Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” said his friend, “I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough – she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!” The groom nodded gently and said, “I don’t know if I can get over it though, she gave me $20 change.”

Silly Joke #3

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy. “John,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker … That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?” The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” “Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . ”

Bonus Silly Joke

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ”Well, you see that 3-pack? That’s for when you’re in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.” The son then asks his father, ”What’s the 6-pack for?” The father replies, ”Well, that’s for when you’re in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.” Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, ”Well, that’s for when you’re married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for…..”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California in 1999. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump. “What can I do for ya’ll?” asks the attendant. “Fill ‘er up with high test,”replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down. “What kinda car is this?” he asks. “I never seen one like it before.” “Well,” responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, “This, my boy is a brand new Cadillac DeVille.” “What all’s it got in it?” asks the attendant. “Well,” says the driver, “It has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8 liter V12 engine.” “Wow,” says the attendant, “That’s really something!” “How much do I owe you for the gasoline?” asks the driver. “That’ll be $30.17,” says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. “What are those little wooden things?” asks the attendant. “That’s what I put my balls on when I drive,” says the driver. “Wow,” says the attendant, “Those Cadillac people have thought of everything!”

Silly joke #2

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. “Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.” The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. “Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

Silly Joke #3

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out having coffee with a friend. She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I’m on the toilet.
Please advise.

Bonus Silly Jokes

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, “What’s the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. 

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Here’s what the latest stock market report says, Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market…

Silly Joke #2

During work Mike and John are chatting…
Mike: “I’ve been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next week.”
John: “Oh!”
Mike: “For example, do you know who Graham Bell is?”
John: “No.”
Mike: “He is the inventor of the phone in 1876. If you take night courses you would know this.”
The next day the same discussion took place:
Mike: “Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?”
John: “No.”
Mike: “He is the author of “The 3 Musketeers”. If you took night courses you would know this.”
The next day, once again:
Mike: “And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?”
John: “No.”
Mike: “He’s the author of “Confessions”, if you took night courses you would know this.”
Now this time John got irritated and said, “And do you know who Steven Turner is?”
Mike: “No.”
John: “He’s the guy sleeping with your wife! If you’d stop taking night classes you would know this!”

Silly Joke #3

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, “Hey! What are you doing?” The monkey says, “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few tokes together. After a while the lizard says his mouth is way too dry and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, ditty bops on thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. Well, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree and smoking a joint with the monkey and got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he’s gotta check this hippie monkey out and walks off into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey is still sitting and toking on the joint. He looks up and says “Hey you!” The Monkey looks down and says, “whoaaaaaaa dude!!!!…………How much water did you drink?!!”

Bonus Silly Joke

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. “I should be in charge,” said the brain, “Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.” “I should be in charge,” said the blood, “Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.” “I should be in charge,” said the stomach,” Because I process food and give all of you energy.” “I should be in charge,” said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.” “I should be in charge,” said the eyes, “Because I allow the body to see where it goes.” “I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “Because I’m responsible for waste removal.” All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work… The @$$hole is usually in charge.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa. Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and, if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer? “Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Silly Joke #2

A man comes home from working at a pickle factory and he seems troubled. His wife asks him what’s wrong and the man says, “Oh, nothing. I just… well… recently I’ve had an uncontrollable urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer.” His wife nearly faints, then she blurts out: “Why? You need to go see someone. I’m going to make an appointment with a therapist or someone tomorrow.” The man protests, “No, no. It’s fine. Really. I’m not going to do it.” Everything is fine for a few weeks, but then the man comes home early from work and he’s pale as a ghost. His wife inquires, “What’s the matter? You look terrible!” The husband tells her, “Well, remember when I said I wanted to put my penis in the pickle slicer?” The wife gasps, “You did? What happened?” The man starts to cry. “I got fired!” “I don’t care about that! Are you okay? What happened with the pickle slicer?” The man sobs, “She got fired, too.”

Silly Joke #3

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.  “What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly. “I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get.If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.” His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, “I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, “I’m a hooker.” “No problem,” said her husband, “just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up.”

Bonus Silly Joke

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. “You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. “I went to visit my Nana.” “No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done. “I took a ride on a choo-choo.”  She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words.” She then asked Bobby what he had done. “I read a book,” he replied. “That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “And what book did you read?” Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, “Winnie the Shit!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Spectrum Cable: Spectrum Cable, this is Sue speaking.
Caller: Hi, I have some questions about Spectrum before I join.
Spectrum: Okay, ma’am, what’s your question?
Caller: Well, a few of my friends who have Spectrum say they get something called “cybersex”. Does this cost extra?
Spectrum: (Quiet chuckle in the background) Well ma’am… I don’t know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of Spectrum.
Caller: Oh really? My friends said they got it on Spectrum.
Spectrum: Well it’s something members may do when they are in some type of chat room.
Caller: Hmmmm . . . I still don’t understand what cybersex is?!
Spectrum: I’m sorry ma’am, I really don’t know how to explain it.
Caller: Hmmm . . . well, have you ever had cybersex?
Spectrum: Ma’am, I don’t think that’s an appropriate question to be asking me. Is there anything else you need?
Caller: Sorry, like I said I don’t even know what it is.
Spectrum: That’s okay ma’am, anything else?
Caller: Yes, I have one more question.
Spectrum: Go ahead . . .
Caller: What are you wearing?

Silly Joke #2

A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?” The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, … “HELLLLO???” “You need to roll up the windows!!!”

Silly Joke #3

Two women were playing golf. On the third hole there was a four men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway. The first woman said I’ll tee off he is far enough away. She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned, one was hit solidly. He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs. She ran to him, apologizing and saying “let me help I am a physical therapist.” He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him. “How does that feel?” she asked. He said, “Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.

Bonus Silly Joke

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender’s face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this.” Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. “I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst,” the bartender said. “My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they get.” Six months later, the man was back. “Did you do what I suggested?” the bartender asked, serving a glass of white wine. “I certainly did,” the man said. “I’ve been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week.” He took a sip of the wine, then he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. “The doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good,” he sputtered. “On the contrary,” the man claimed, “he’s done me world of good.” “But you just threw the wine in my face again!” the bartender exclaimed. “Yes,” the man replied. “But it doesn’t embarrass me anymore.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover’s Lane. He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching. “Awwwww Hell !” he murmured, “Fuzz!!!” “Well, what did ya expect?!” Phoebe says, “A perm?”

Silly Joke #2

There’s a man named Ralph that goes into a bar, looking very depressed. A friend approaches him and asks, “Why the long face, Ralph?” “Oh, I’m just bored. I know every person in the entire world now, and there’s just nothing left to challenge me.” His friend says, “No, you can’t know everyone. Do you know Paul McCartney?” He says, “Sure, Paul’s an old friend of mine. Here, I’ll show you.” He goes over to a phone, dials a number. His friend overhears a British accent, “Hey Ralph, how ya doing?” He talks for a while, but when Ralph hangs up, his friend is not really sure that it was Paul McCartney on the other end of the line, so he asks him if he knows the president.Ralph says, “Sure, we go way back.” This time he lets him listen in as he calls a private number. It sounds like the president on the other end of the line, and they go into a big discussion of the current economic scene, and Ralph offers a few suggestions. Drawing the conversation to a close, Ralph wishes him well and hangs up. His friend is a little dumbfounded at this point. “Well, there must be someone that you don’t know.” He goes over a few more people in his mind, and thinks, ‘He can’t possibly know the Pope. After all, he’s a Protestant.’ But Ralph claims to know him, so to convince himself otherwise, his friend decides to fly both himself and Ralph to the Vatican to get positive proof of Ralph’s conviction. So they arrive at the Vatican, and Ralph suggests that his friend wait out in St. Peter’s Square until Ralph has cleared things with the Pope. He’s standing in the courtyard, when who walks out onto the balcony of the private residence, arm in arm with the Pope, but Ralph. Ralph looks down, sees that his friend has apparently passed out, and runs down to see what can be done for him. “What happened to you? Couldn’t you accept the fact that I really do know the Pope?” “No, I’d begun to accept that possibility. But what really took my breath away was some stranger standing next to me who said, ‘Who’s that guy standing there with Ralph?'”

Silly Joke #3

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a’ so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station and yelled one final ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ and rode off. ‘What did you do to get that Indian so excited?’ asked the service-station attendant.  ‘Nothing,’ the woman answered. ‘I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.’ ‘Lady,’ the attendant said, ‘Indians don’t use saddles.

Bonus Silly Joke (2 short ones)

Little Johnny was being shown the shape of the earth on a globe atlas by his mother. After pointing to all countries with unusual shapes, she asks: “Now Johnny, what shape is the world?” Johnny, looking very wise and happy, said: “Daddy says it’s in terrible shape Mommy!”

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will” “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug!!!” His wife then got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. “So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar!” he says. “A Torah scholar, hmmm…” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?” “I will study…” the young man says, “and God will provide for us.” “And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies…” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.” “And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?” “I’m not worried sir…as I know God will provide for us!”, replies the fiancé. “The conversation continues like this, and each time the father asks a question, the fiancé insists that God will provide for them. A little while later after he and their daughter leave, the mother asks, “So, how did it go, Honey?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God!!!”

Silly Joke #2 (A throwback from 1995!) 

A mother was reading a children’s book about animals to her 3 year-old daughter:
Mother: ‘What does the cow say?’
Child: ‘Moooo!’
Mother: ‘Great! What does the cat say?’
Child: ‘Meow.’
Mother: ‘Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?’
The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, ‘Bud…Wize…Errrrr…’

Silly Joke 3

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.” The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?” “No,” the cook said, “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and a pair of running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.” “Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?” She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

Bonus Silly Joke

A Mom is driving her little girl to her friends house for a play date. “Mommy,” her little girl asks, “How old are you?” “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.” “OK,” her little girl says, “How much do you weigh?” “Now really…” the mother says, “these are personal questions and are really not something you should be asking an adult honey.” Undaunted, her little girl then asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?” “Those are enough questions little lady, honestly!” The exasperated mother then walks away as the two friends begin to play. “My Mom won’t tell me anything!” her little girl says to her friend. “Well,” said the friend, “All you need to do is look at her drivers license. It’s like a report card and has everything on it!” Later that night her little girl says to her mother, “I now know how old you are mommy, you’re 32!” The mother is surprised and asks, “And how did you find that out?!” “I also know that you weigh 140 pounds!” The mother is past surprise and is now shocked. “How in heaven’s name did you find all this out?!” “And…” the little girl says triumphantly, “I now know why you and daddy got a divorce too!!!” “Oh really?” the mother asks sarcastically. “And why is that?” “Because you got an F in sex mommy!!!”

Peace, love light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A father scolded his son for being so unruly and the child decided to rebel against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!!!” The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. “What if you get hungry?” he asked. “Then I’ll come home and eat,” bravely declared the child. “And what if you run out of money?” inquired the father. “Then I’ll come home and get some,” readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?” “Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed to himself, “This kid isn’t running away from home, he’s going off to college!”

Silly Joke #2

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?” The guard replies, “They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.” “That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?” The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”

Silly Joke #3

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded. “This equipment must be broken!” he exclaimed. “I doubt it,” said the man, “Tonight I am the designated decoy!”

Bonus Silly Joke

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?” Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.” “What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector. “Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there,” answers Tom. “What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector. “Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.” “What if the phone was busy?” “In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station.” “What if that had been vandalized?” “Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo. This puzzled the inspector, so he asked “Why would you do that?” “Because he’s never seen a train crash!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared and where he had carved “I love you, Sally”. On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, and they don’t know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and its fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says, “We’ve got to give it back”. But she responds, “Finders keepers!!!” and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic. The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. One knocks on the door and says, “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” She responds, “No.” But the husband immediately says, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” She then quickly responds, “Don’t you believe him, he’s getting senile.” So, the policemen sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, “Tell us the story from the beginning.” The old man says: “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…” At this, the policeman looks at his partner and says, “We’re outta here !”

Silly Joke #2

Lee wasn’t the brightest guy in the world, and his co-workers were continually ribbing him on the job. One in particular, Rick, would greet him each morning and precipitate this exchange:
“Say Lee, you seen Ben?”
“Ben who?”
“Ben’ down and kiss my a$$!”
Tired of falling for the same joke day after day, Lee confided in his friend Susie who said, “Listen, next time you see Rick, ask him if he’s seen Eileen. Rick will ask, ‘Eileen who?’, and you say, ‘I lean over and you kiss MY a$$.'”
Memorizing his lines, Lee went to work early to wait for Rick. As soon as he arrived, Lee ran over to him and immediately said:
“Hey Rick…Have you seen Eileen?”
“No,” Rick answered, “she ran off with Ben.”
Lee frowned, “Ben who?”

Silly Joke #3

There was this party in the woods that had been going on when all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men at the party who were very drunk stumbled through the pouring rain and finally reached their car just as the rain began to let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other. All of a sudden an old man’s face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, “Eeeeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There’s an old guy’s face there!” (Was this a ghost?!?!?!) This old man kept knocking, so the driver said, “Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!” So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, “What do you want???” The old man softly replied, “Do you have any tobacco?” The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, “He wants tobacco!” “Well, offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!” the driver replies. So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells, “Now, step on it!!!” rolling up the window in terror. Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, “So, what was that?!” The driver says, “I don’t know?!” Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!” the passenger yells. “Well, see what he wants now!” yells back the driver. He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, “Yes?” “Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asks. The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, “COME ON, STEP ON IT!!!” They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking! “OH MY GOD! HE’S BACK AGAIN!” He rolls down the window and screams out, “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” in stark fear. The old man replies, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”

Bonus Silly Joke (2 short ones)

The lifeguard angrily told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool. “Look Mr. Lifeguard, everyone knows,” the mother lectured him, “that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool!” “Oh really?” said the lifeguard, “from the diving board!?!?”

The other day I got carded at the liquor store. While I was taking out my ID, my old Blockbuster card fell out. The clerk shook his head and said, “Never mind,” and rang me up.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

If great men throughout history had smoked reefer, there’s no telling what would have happened. Like if somebody like Martin Luther King Jr. had smoked reefer, he would have been giving speeches like, “I have a dream… but the hell if I can remember what it was all about. I think it was either about freedom or Fritos?

Silly Joke #2

An office executive was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality. “If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?” he asked. “I’d have to say the living one.” she responded.

Silly Joke #3

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of hungry wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, “Well, do you want to make a run for it, or should we stay here for a few days and out number them?”

Bonus Silly Joke

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. “MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND…” Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…” At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.” At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy who worked construction together. They were working on top of a building one day, and it was lunch time. The Irish man opens his lunch pail and he sees he has cabbage and beef, and he says, ‘If I get one more beef and cabbage for lunch I’m gonna jump off of this building!’ Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says, ‘if I get one more burrito for lunch I’m gonna jump off this building!’ The blond man opens his lunch pail and gets a bologna sandwich. He says, ‘if I get one more bologna sandwich I’m gonna jump off of this building!’ The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabbage and beef so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the blond guy opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich, so he jumps off to his death as well. The next day at their funeral the Irish man’s wife said, ‘If I only knew he was sick of cabbage and beef I would have packed him something else.’ Then the Mexican’s wife then said, ”If I only knew he didn’t like burritos, I would have packed something else.” Finally, the blond man’s wife said, ‘I don’t know what his problem was! He packed his own lunch!”

Silly Joke #2

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife who suddenly appeared at my side. “Hey, can you hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,” she said. So, I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich, when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard and I had no napkin, so I licked it off. It was NOT mustard! No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later my wife laughed at me and said, “Now you know why they call that mustard ‘Poupon!'”

Silly Joke #3

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And then it was question time…. “So, Class,” he said, “my name begins with the letter ‘M,’ and I pick up things….What am I?” Little Johnny raised his hand and said said, “You’re a mother!”

Bonus Silly Joke

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.” As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A man was sitting in a cafeteria next to a beautiful blond woman who was very engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: “12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed.” She shook her head at the sad news. Then, turning to me, she asked, “How many is a Brazilian?”

Silly Joke #2

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?” “It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the National Weather Service again.”Is it really going to be a very cold winter?” he asked. “Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied,”it’s going to be a very cold winter.” The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?” “Absolutely,” the man replied. “It looks like it’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.” “How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, “Because the Indians have been collecting firewood like crazy!”.

Silly Joke #3

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked,” May I please use the restroom?” The bartender replied, “I really don’t think you should.” “Why not? ” the nun asked. “Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf.” “Nonsense,” said the nun, “I’ll just look the other way.” So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was still hopping with music and dancing. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?” “Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender. “Would you like a drink?” “But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink Sister…”

Bonus Silly Jokes

Teacher: “Johnny, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?” 
Little Johnny: Huge hands?

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To maintain adequate social distancing

A woman goes into a butcher’s…”I’d like an oxtail please”. “Certainly”, replies the butcher, “Once upon a time there was an ox…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her clothing purchases. “Cash, check, or charge?” she asked, after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As Jennifer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. “Do you always carry your TV remote with you?” the cashier inquired. “No,” she replied. “But my husband, Jeff, refused to come clothes shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

Silly Joke #2

The Preacher explains that he must move on to a large congregation that will pay him more as he hasn’t been able to cover his expenses. There is a total hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave as he’s been the best leader their church has ever seen. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City suddenly stands up and proclaims: “If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!” The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: “If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!” More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, then stands and announces with a smile, “If the preacher stays, I will give him sex,” There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her: “Oh my, Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?” Sadie’s 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, ”Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said…… ‘Screw the Preacher!’”

Silly Joke #3

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says to Amy, “The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow’s stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?” So the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one. This one right here.” Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, “How did you know this is the cow to be bred?” “That’s simple. By the nail over its stall,” Amy explains. Then the man asks, “What’s the nail for?” “I guess it’s for you to hang your pants on,” she tells him as she walks away.

Bonus Silly Joke

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?” 

He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway, and may be interested in possibly doing some business.”

“Very well, my son”, the nun answers. “Please follow me.”

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, “Please knock on this door.”

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, “Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.”

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun’s cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. Another door is in front of him, while the door he just came through locks behind him. As he opens the second door, he suddenly finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER.
NOW REPENT AND GO IN PEACE!

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup. Puzzled, she asked, “Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?” Her grandson answered, “Grandma, don’t you know what it says on TV???, ‘It says the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'”

Silly Joke #2

Boss – Do you think you can come in this Saturday? I know how much you enjoy your weekends, but I really need you here to help us make this deadline.
Me – Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as public transportation on weekends is really slow.
Boss – Ok, well, when do you think you will get here then?
Me – Monday.

Silly Joke #3

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV…The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, ‘Do you think he’ll jump?’ Jack says, ‘You know what, I bet he will.’ The blonde replied, ‘Well, I bet he won’t.’ Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, ‘You’re on!’ Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, ‘Fair’s fair… Here’s your money.’ Jack replied, ‘I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump. ‘The blonde replies, ‘I did too; but I didn’t think he’d do it again!!!’

Bonus Silly Joke

A Sunday School teacher of kindergarteners was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Easter season emphasis on His death. He really wanted to make sure they understood a little more about the life of Jesus. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?” Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.” Mary was called on and answered, “He’s also in my heart.” Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s also in my bathroom!!!” The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!!!” 

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called the head waiter to his table. “I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it’s runny, and the other so overcooked, it’s tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it’s impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm.” “That’s a very complicated order, Sir,” said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult to prepare.” The guest replied, “Oh? But that’s what I got yesterday!!”

Silly Joke #2

A Father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” “Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he replies. To this his friend responds “Strange ambition to have for a career?” The father then sighed and said, “Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”

Silly Joke #3

A man was having marital problems. So he went to his shrink. The shrink says, “When you get home, throw down your briefcase, run to her, embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours, and make mad passionate love to her.” In two weeks he was back in the shrink’s office. The shrink asked “How did it go?” He said, “She didn’t have anything to say, but her bridge club sure got a kick out of it!”

Bonus Silly Joke

QUARANTINE DIARY

Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe even years, so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to see out this pandemic.

Day 1+45 minutes: I had to go to the supermarket because I had a craving for some M&M’s.

Day 4: Got an email from my gym trainer with a more thorough plan for dealing with the Coronavirus that’s better than any our President keeps laying out!

Day 7: There’s no sports on the TV anymore to watch, but I found this nice young lady sitting on my couch in front of it. Apparently she’s my wife.

Day 10: Losing my mind now without having any sports to watch so I started pretending to do the sport of curling with our Roomba and our broom.

Day 13: My wife is coughing now. I think we’ll be alright though because we have over 300 rolls of toilet paper.

Day 15: Could it actually be possible that I’m living in an episode of Netflix’s Black Mirror?

Day 16: The Jehovah’s freaking Witnesses still came to my door today, can you believe it?! I feel guilty though because I purposely had my wife open the door during one of her coughing spells.

Day 19: Thankfully my wife’s ok. She’s no longer coughing anymore. But I am now. Damn those Jehovah’s Witnesses! Somehow they cursed me!

Day 23: I feleeng soooo mach betta. I thik I dscvreerd the cur. Jast swalooww a fewww pammps of Puracell seeeems to haaave dun the trik!

Day 25: The quarantine is finally over! What am I going to do with all this damn toilet paper? Shit!

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.” The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” She yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to Z. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, z!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.” The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. “Very good,” said her embarrassed mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?” “No, Honey, it’s because you’re 25.”

Silly Joke #2

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. “Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.” The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. “Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

Silly Joke #3

“Dr. Oz said to reach inner peace we should always finish things we start, and we could all use more calm in our lives during these uncharted and turbulent COVID-19 times. So, we looked around our house to find things we’d started and hadn’t finished. First, we finished  a bottle of Merlot, then a boddle of Chardonnay, then a butle of Baileys, then a buddle of wum,  then the mainder of Valiuminum scriptshins and finly a bux of chalkcletz. Oz wuz soooo riiight! Yu haf no idr how fablus I fiel rite now.  Tlll thss to all who kneed inner pisssssssss………….an tellum iluvem too……………………”

Bonus Silly Jokes (3 super short ones!)

The teacher asked Joanie, “If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter and another quarter and then another quarter, how much would you have left?” Joanie then replied, “A million dollars minus 75 cents.” 

Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?
Class: At once!

“How the diet going?” asked the doctor to his patient. “Not good doc, I had eggs for breakfast!” said the patient. “Is that because they were fried?” asked the doctor inquisitively. “No, it’s because they were chocolate.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

During a performance for the high school talent show at the local theater, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee. He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted: “Don’t worry, Freddy! It’s just a stage you’re going through!”

Silly Joke #2

Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you don’t have to go to school on Monday. The first Friday the question was, “How many gallons of water is there in the whole world.” No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday. Next Friday, the question was, “How many grains of sand is there in the whole world.” No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday. By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn’t want to go to school on Monday. So he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the ping-pong balls up to her. She asked, “Alright, who’s the comedian with the black balls?” Johnny said, “Eddie Murphy, see you Tuesday!”

Silly Joke #3

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.” “Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.” She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “It’s all set. They’re coming for Passover and paying their own airfares!”

Bonus Silly Joke

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” says the little boy. His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won’t be getting any breakfast. Well, he’s a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks. “Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.” Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children. She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren. “Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?” 

Silly Joke #2

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it’s tail and kissed it where the sun don’t shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing. “Whudd’ya do that fer?” he asked. “Got chapped lips,” the cowboy replied. The old man asked, “Does that help?” The cowboy said, “Nope, but it keeps me from lickin’ ’em.”

Silly Joke #3

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh, no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “and if the damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today.”

Bonus Silly Joke

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, “Hey Stevie, wanna play house?” He says, “Sure! What do you want me to do?” The girl replies, “I want you to communicate.” He says to her, “that word is too big. I have no idea what it means.” The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Q: What’s the difference between love and marriage?
A: Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

Silly Joke #2

Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait! I can explain everything.

Silly Joke #3

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
WIFE: I clean the toilet.
HUSBAND: How does that help?
WIFE: I use your toothbrush.

Bonus Silly Joke

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. As he handed the attendant $4.50, he couldn’t help but comment, “I can’t believe it! The last time I went to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents!” “Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a grin, “You’re really going to enjoy yourself this evening. We have sound now.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Census Taker: ‘How many children do you have?’
Woman: ‘Four.’
Census Taker: ‘May I have their names, please?’
Woman: ‘Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.’
Census Taker: ‘Okay, that’s fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?’
Woman: ‘Because we didn’t want any Moe.’

Silly Joke #2

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation “Has anybody got a cock?” – all the men stood up. “No! Sorry!” he said “That wasn’t what I meant! Has anybody seen a cock?” – all the women stood up. “No! No! Sorry again!” he said “That wasn’t what I meant! Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?” – half the women stood up. “No! No! No! I’m so sorry!“ he said “That wasn’t what I meant either! Has anybody seen my cock?” – all the nuns stood up.

Silly Joke #3

It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple. One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job. He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn’t want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint. It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint. That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away. The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, “What shall I do?” Suddenly, a voice came back from the heavens saying, “Repaint, and thin no more!”

Bonus Silly Joke

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. “What size?” asks the clerk. “Gee, I don’t know.” “Go see Sophie in aisle 4.” He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, “Medium!” The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly. Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, “Large!” The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. “What size?” The kid embarrassedly says, “I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what size.” The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells, “Clean up in aisle 4!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson