Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters’ place. They put up a big bold sign which read: “WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!” Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: “WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!”

Silly Joke #2

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead but didn’t know it. “Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme’?” she asked. “Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. But I HAVE got a wife and eleven children.” “Is that a record?” she inquired. “I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get to setting one!”

Silly Joke #3

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will. ‘To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,’ the attorney reads. ‘To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.’ ‘And finally,’ the lawyer concludes, ‘to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!’

Bonus Silly Joke

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago. “Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?” Arnold asked. “Not very likely,” his wife said. “It’s worth a try,” Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, “Just a minute. I’ll have to look for these.” He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, “Here they are!” “No kidding?” Arnold called back. “That’s terrific! Who would have thought they’d still be here after all this time.” The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. “They’ll be ready Thursday,” he said calmly.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, ‘Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?’ The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, ‘Well yeah, if that’s what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.’ So the farmer says, ‘Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.’ The trooper says, ‘Oh,’ and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, ‘Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?’ The farmer says, ‘Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.’ The trooper says, ‘Well, that’s a good thing,’ and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, ‘Hard to fool them flies though…’

Silly Joke #2

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning FarmerJoe. “Didn’t you say, ‘I’m fine’, at the scene of the accident?” asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…” “I didn’t ask for a long, drawn-out story,” the lawyer interrupted,”just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’!” Farmer Joe said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…” The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the HighwayPatrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.” Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.” He continued, “I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, he came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I decided it was best to shoot her. How are you feeling?'” “So, maybe now you can see why I said ‘I’m fine’ at that moment!” exasperated the farmer.

Silly Joke #3

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, “It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. “Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up and the phone was already ringing non-stop. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.” He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing and getting me more than a bit annoyed. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. You can imagine the stench of that mixed up perfume overload! Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her exactly that!”

Bonus Silly Joke (2 quick ones!)

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.” He smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table over there and write ‘I will not run a red light ‘five hundred times’” and then I’ll dismiss your ticket.

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Little Johnny cried all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him what was wrong and finally, the boy sobbed, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a good Christian home, and I really want to stay with you guys!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, “A round of drinks for me and my friends.” They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, “To 51 days!” and they drink. The “head blonde” asks the bartender to set them up again. Again, the blondes toast “To 51 days!” and they drink. After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means. The head blonde says, “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, “two to four years” and we finished it in 51 days”.

Silly Joke #2

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small privates. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem!” The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pan cakes in the middle of the table. “Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?” “Just take two,” Brenda replied, “The rest are for your father.”

Silly Joke #3

A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman. The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!” The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.” “All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.” Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.” “I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.” “She looked worse for wear so I took pity on her and let her into the car.” “In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.” “She devoured it in seconds.” “Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.” “While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.” “I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.” “I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.” The husband took a deep breath and continued… “She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…” “You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?”

Bonus Silly Joke (3 Quick Ones!)

My 5 year old: “Do trees poop?”
Me: “Of course they do, that’s how we get #2 pencils.”

I was sitting at a bar with a friend the other night when he casually pointed across the bar from us and said, “see those two old drunks sitting there…that’s going to be us in ten years.” I looked and him and said, “that’s a mirror stupid!”

John: Did you know I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years? I found out she was a communist…
Mike: Say what???
John: Yeah, I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson