Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Here’s what the latest stock market report says, Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market…

Silly Joke #2

During work Mike and John are chatting…
Mike: “I’ve been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next week.”
John: “Oh!”
Mike: “For example, do you know who Graham Bell is?”
John: “No.”
Mike: “He is the inventor of the phone in 1876. If you take night courses you would know this.”
The next day the same discussion took place:
Mike: “Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?”
John: “No.”
Mike: “He is the author of “The 3 Musketeers”. If you took night courses you would know this.”
The next day, once again:
Mike: “And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?”
John: “No.”
Mike: “He’s the author of “Confessions”, if you took night courses you would know this.”
Now this time John got irritated and said, “And do you know who Steven Turner is?”
Mike: “No.”
John: “He’s the guy sleeping with your wife! If you’d stop taking night classes you would know this!”

Silly Joke #3

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, “Hey! What are you doing?” The monkey says, “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few tokes together. After a while the lizard says his mouth is way too dry and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, ditty bops on thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. Well, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree and smoking a joint with the monkey and got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he’s gotta check this hippie monkey out and walks off into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey is still sitting and toking on the joint. He looks up and says “Hey you!” The Monkey looks down and says, “whoaaaaaaa dude!!!!…………How much water did you drink?!!”

Bonus Silly Joke

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. “I should be in charge,” said the brain, “Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.” “I should be in charge,” said the blood, “Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.” “I should be in charge,” said the stomach,” Because I process food and give all of you energy.” “I should be in charge,” said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.” “I should be in charge,” said the eyes, “Because I allow the body to see where it goes.” “I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “Because I’m responsible for waste removal.” All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work… The @$$hole is usually in charge.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa. Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and, if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer? “Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Silly Joke #2

A man comes home from working at a pickle factory and he seems troubled. His wife asks him what’s wrong and the man says, “Oh, nothing. I just… well… recently I’ve had an uncontrollable urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer.” His wife nearly faints, then she blurts out: “Why? You need to go see someone. I’m going to make an appointment with a therapist or someone tomorrow.” The man protests, “No, no. It’s fine. Really. I’m not going to do it.” Everything is fine for a few weeks, but then the man comes home early from work and he’s pale as a ghost. His wife inquires, “What’s the matter? You look terrible!” The husband tells her, “Well, remember when I said I wanted to put my penis in the pickle slicer?” The wife gasps, “You did? What happened?” The man starts to cry. “I got fired!” “I don’t care about that! Are you okay? What happened with the pickle slicer?” The man sobs, “She got fired, too.”

Silly Joke #3

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.  “What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly. “I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get.If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.” His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, “I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, “I’m a hooker.” “No problem,” said her husband, “just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up.”

Bonus Silly Joke

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. “You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. “I went to visit my Nana.” “No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done. “I took a ride on a choo-choo.”  She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words.” She then asked Bobby what he had done. “I read a book,” he replied. “That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “And what book did you read?” Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, “Winnie the Shit!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Spectrum Cable: Spectrum Cable, this is Sue speaking.
Caller: Hi, I have some questions about Spectrum before I join.
Spectrum: Okay, ma’am, what’s your question?
Caller: Well, a few of my friends who have Spectrum say they get something called “cybersex”. Does this cost extra?
Spectrum: (Quiet chuckle in the background) Well ma’am… I don’t know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of Spectrum.
Caller: Oh really? My friends said they got it on Spectrum.
Spectrum: Well it’s something members may do when they are in some type of chat room.
Caller: Hmmmm . . . I still don’t understand what cybersex is?!
Spectrum: I’m sorry ma’am, I really don’t know how to explain it.
Caller: Hmmm . . . well, have you ever had cybersex?
Spectrum: Ma’am, I don’t think that’s an appropriate question to be asking me. Is there anything else you need?
Caller: Sorry, like I said I don’t even know what it is.
Spectrum: That’s okay ma’am, anything else?
Caller: Yes, I have one more question.
Spectrum: Go ahead . . .
Caller: What are you wearing?

Silly Joke #2

A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?” The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, … “HELLLLO???” “You need to roll up the windows!!!”

Silly Joke #3

Two women were playing golf. On the third hole there was a four men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway. The first woman said I’ll tee off he is far enough away. She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned, one was hit solidly. He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs. She ran to him, apologizing and saying “let me help I am a physical therapist.” He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him. “How does that feel?” she asked. He said, “Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.

Bonus Silly Joke

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender’s face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this.” Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. “I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst,” the bartender said. “My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they get.” Six months later, the man was back. “Did you do what I suggested?” the bartender asked, serving a glass of white wine. “I certainly did,” the man said. “I’ve been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week.” He took a sip of the wine, then he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. “The doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good,” he sputtered. “On the contrary,” the man claimed, “he’s done me world of good.” “But you just threw the wine in my face again!” the bartender exclaimed. “Yes,” the man replied. “But it doesn’t embarrass me anymore.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson