Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

I called the RSPCA today and said, “I’ve just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs.” “That’s terrible,” she replied. “Are they moving?” “I’m not sure, to be honest,” I said, “But that would explain the suitcase.”

Silly Joke #2

There was a nun whose old body began to surrender to time. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day to relax her. Not to be lured into “worldly pleasures”, she huffily declined. But the Mother Superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day. After a few more years, even that spiked milk couldn’t help and the aged sister approached her final hour. As several nuns gathered around her at her bedside, the Mother Superior asked if she wanted to leave them with any words of wisdom. “Oh, yes,” she replied. “Never sell that cow!”

Silly Joke #3

There was a little boy in kindergarten. At the end of one cold winter day, when all the other children were leaving, the teacher found him crying, so she asked him what was wrong. He sobbed, “I can’t find my boots.” The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. “Are these yours?” “No, they’re not mine,” said the little boy, shaking his head. The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots. Finally, the teacher gave up, “Are you SURE those boots are not yours?” “I’m sure,” the boy sobbed, “mine had snow on them.”

Bonus Silly Joke

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. “Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?” “Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.” “He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.” “You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.” “Well, screw him!” said John. “I did. You’re back at work on Monday!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

Seeing her friend Marcia wearing a new locket, Ashley asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. “Yes,” says Marcia, “a lock of my husband’s hair.” “But Larry’s still alive?”, Ashley said not understanding. “I know, but all his hair is gone!”, Marcia said sadly.

Silly Joke #2

A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman. The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!” The husband answered, “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.” “All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words!” Her husband started recalling, “Today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride. I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days. She looked worse for wear so I took pity on her and let her into the car. In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’. She devoured it in seconds. Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower. While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’. I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’. I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.” The husband took a deep breath and then continued… “She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked… ‘You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?’”

Silly Joke #3

The devil meets him at the gate and says, “Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let’s get started.” The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, “No way, let’s move on.” The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, “No way, let’s move on.” The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, “Great, this is the one I will chose.” The devil says, “OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee.” The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn’t so bad. What’s the big deal? After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, “Coffee break’s over. Back on your heads!”

Bonus Silly Joke

A fisherman carrying a lobster bumped into a friend on the way home. “Where are you going with the lobster under your arm?” asked his friend. The fisherman answered, “I’m taking him home to dinner. Just then the lobster spoke up, “I’ve already had my dinner, can we go to a movie instead?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money ok?” “Well, thank you son,” the pastor replied, “But why may I ask?” “Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.”

Silly Joke #2

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.” The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, “Okay, now concentrate… what is two plus two?” The player thought for a moment and then he answered, “4?” “Did you say 4?!?” the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, “Come on coach, give him another chance!”

Silly Joke #3

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. “So, what’s the matter?” he asks. “I have a case of anal glaucoma,” she says in a weak voice. “And what the HELL is anal glaucoma?!” he said irritated that she wouldn’t be coming in. “I just can’t see my ass coming into work today!”

Bonus Silly Joke

Nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the word ‘Definitely’ in a sentence?” First a little girl says “The sky is definitely blue” Teacher says, “Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange…” Second little boy…”Trees are definitely green” “Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown.” Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: “Does a fart have lumps?” The teacher looks horrified and says “Johnny! Of course not!!!” “OK…then I DEFINITELY crapped in my pants…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson