Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your grandma’s the best sex in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just did your grandma, and it was suh-weeeet!” Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “And your grandma liked it!!” Finally the guy interrupts …” Go home, Grandpa, you’re drunk!”

Silly Joke #2

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box, opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out again, went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the neighbor came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed, harder than ever. Puzzled by his neighbors actions, he asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

Silly Joke #3

A man was watching TV and enjoying a beer. “Don’t go,” he yelled at the screen. “Do not enter that building. Walk away. Argh, you stupid man!” His wife called from the kitchen, “What on earth are you watching, is it a horror movie?” “Yes hon, it’s our wedding video!”

Bonus Silly Joke

One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. “Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the postman comments.  Bob in obvious pain replies, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing ‘Who Am I.'” The postman thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”  Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “privates” showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.” The mailman laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.”  “Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds. “Your name came up four or five times.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again!” To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

Silly Joke #2

A man went to his lawyer and said “I would like to make a will but I don’t know exactly how to go about it.” The lawyer says “No problem, leave it all to me.” The man looks somewhat upset and says, “Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I’d like to leave a little to my children too!!!”

Silly Joke #3

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different, Bessie?” Bessie looks him over. “Nope.” Sam says excitedly, “Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?” Bessie looks again. “Nope.” Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different?” Bessie looks up and down and says, “Sam, what’s different? It was hanging down yesterday, it’s hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow!” Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why its hanging down, Bessie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my new boots!” Bessie replies, “Should’a bought a hat, Sam!”

Bonus Silly Joke

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you bring?” The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the “Grandma Moses of Jail.” Then he asked the first, “What did you bring?” The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, “I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.” The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so smug? What did you bring?” The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. “I brought these.” The other two were puzzled and asked, “What can you do with those?” He grinned and pointed to the box and said, “Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

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Silly Joke #1

John: “I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes!”
Friend: “How?”
John: “I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.”

Silly Joke #2

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. “Stay out of those,” she said, “they’re for the funeral!”

Silly Joke #3

One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey. The bartender asks why. The guy says, “I found out my brother is gay.” The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey. The bartender asks why. The guys says, “I just found out my other brother is gay!” The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey. The bartender asks why. The guy says, “I can’t believe it, but when two of my brothers came out, my oldest decided to finally tell me he was gay too!“ The bartender says, “What the hell! Doesn’t anyone like women anymore?” The guy says, “Yeah, my sister!”

Bonus Silly Joke

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. “That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. “That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. “What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.” The clerk handed him a mirror.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson