Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she’s just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she’s ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers, “Hello, I’m Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles.” “I’m very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I’ve ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?” Brother Charles replied, “Well, I’m the fish friar.” She turns the other brother and says, “Then you must be…?” “Yes, I’m the chip monk.”

Silly Joke #2

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa.” The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?” The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy, and good-bye grandma.” The next day the grandmother died. “Oh, my gosh”, thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.” Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy.” He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?” He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.” She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch.”

Silly Joke #3

This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some “Nair” hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms don’t use deodorant for a few days.” The lady says: “I’m not using it under my arms.” The druggist says: “If you’re using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days.” The lady says: “I’m not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I’m using it on my schnauzer.” The druggist says: “You may want to stay off your bicycle for at least a week then!”

Bonus Silly Joke

My boss texted me, “Send me one of your funny jokes, Pete.”
I replied, “I’m working at the moment, Sir, I will send you one later.”
He replied, “That was fantastic, send me another one.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

A man and his wife were having some problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he’d need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper: “Please wake me at 5 a.m.” The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he’d missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and scream at his wife when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed that said: “It’s 5 a.m. Wake up.”

Silly Joke #2

An old drunk stumbled across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, preacher, I sure am.” The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asks.” Nooo, I didn’t!” said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?” “Noooo, I have not, Reverend!” The preacher, feeling rather frustrated, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, finally brings him out of the water, and says in a somewhat harsh tone, “My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?!” The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in???”

Silly Joke #3

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect lake camping and riding trip. Two days before the group is to leave Rob’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Rob’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire. “Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?” “Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said ‘guess who’?” I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand-new see-through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, “Now, you can do whatever you want!”” So here I am.

Bonus Silly Joke

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls”. Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked. “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn’t know what Johnny’s problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel — they said, because it was bigger. One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger or what?” Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far, I’ve made $20!”

Silly Joke #2

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he takes a sip of his beer, he hears a tiny voice say: “Nice tie.” He looks around but sees no one. He takes another sip of his beer and hears the same tiny voice: “A nice shirt, too.” Again, he looks around and sees no one. He signals the bartender over, and hesitantly explains that he’s hearing voices talking to him… “Of course,” smiles the bartender. “It’s the peanuts — they’re complimentary.”

Silly Joke #3

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who had been far exceeding the speed limit. “But, Officer,” the man protested, “I can explain!” “Be quiet!” ordered the officer. “You can sit in jail until the chief gets back.” “But, sir, I just wanted to say—” “I told you to stay quiet! You’re going to jail! “A couple of hours later the officer checked in on the man and said, “You’re lucky that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a great mood when he gets back.” “I doubt that,” answered the prisoner. “I’m the groom!”

Bonus Silly Joke

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. ‘How much do you weigh?’ she asks. ‘135,’ I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180. The nurse asks, ‘Your height?’ ‘5 feet 4 inches,’ I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5 feet 2 inches. She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high. ‘Of course, it’s high!’ I scream, ‘When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!’ She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson