Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

So, this old man is walking down the street in Brooklyn.He sees a young boy sitting on the street in front of a candy shop, shoving tons of sweets in his mouth as fast as possible. The man walks up to the boy and says “You know son, it’s really not healthy to eat all that candy.” The kid looks up at him and says, “You know my grandfather lived to be 97 years old.” The man replies “Oh and did he eat a lot of candy?” The kid looks at him and says “No, but he minded his own f$%#ing business!”

Silly Joke #2

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck’s one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, “Well we have the Parthenon.” Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, “We have the Coliseum.” The Greek retorts, “We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.” The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, “But we built the Roman Empire”. …and so on and on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, “We invented sex!” The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, “That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!”

Silly Joke #3

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer looked into the distance and warmed to his task. “Once, I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India,” he began. “I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly, the largest tiger I’ve ever seen in my life leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find my gun bearer had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself.” “Under those circumstances, sir, I think anyone would have done the same,” the reporter said trying to be understanding. The old explorer replied: “No, not then -– just now when I went ‘ROARRRR!’”

Bonus Silly Joke

An 87-year-old man said to his friend who was only 80, “Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.” So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, “Do you have any Italian bread?” She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?” He said, “I want 5 loaves.” She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves…don’t you think by the time you get to the 5th it’ll be hard?” He replied, “Holy crap! Does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but ME?!!

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, two back woods country brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?” The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!” The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!” The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, “What skills to you bring to the Air Force?” The young man says, “I chop wood!” “Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what else do you know how to do?” “I chop wood!” “Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 21st century!” “Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!” “Yes, of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!” The young man says, “But, I have to chop it before he can pile it!”

Silly Joke #2

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!’ The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured we was friends…”

Silly Joke #3

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check-out counter where she told the check-out girl, “Nothing but the best for my little kitten.”The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we have a new policy. We are unable to sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.” The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought twelve of the most expensive dog cookies. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes also eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.” The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So, the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, “Yuck, my finger now smells like crap!” The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, “Hopefully that’s enough proof to buy three rolls of toilet paper today!”

Bonus Silly Joke

A man and his wife return home from a pleasant evening out. Hoping to score some action that night, he quickly slips down to the kitchen while she is getting ready for bed. He returns a few moments later with a glass of water, and a few pills, which he hands to her.”What’s this for?” she asks, rather puzzled. “It’s aspirin for your headache.” he said. “But I haven’t got a headache…” she responded a little puzzled. “Aha!! Gotcha!!! No excuses this time!” he said with a grin.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

A new CEO takes over at a struggling startup business and decides to get rid of all the employees that are slacking. On a tour of the office, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can’t believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, “What are you doing just standing here?!” I’m just waiting to get paid,” responds the man.Furious, the new CEO asks, “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young man replies, “I make about $300 a week. Why do you ask?” The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, “Here’s four weeks pay, now get out right now and don’t come back.” The young man quickly puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out of the office. Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?” From across the room comes a loud voice, “Yes, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200!”

Silly Joke #2

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful! CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!” The wife stared at him in total dismay. “What in the world is wrong with you?! You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?!” The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

Silly Joke #3

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink”! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”

Bonus Silly Joke

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So, the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.” The blind man replies, “If you would’ve put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus … so shut up!!!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson