Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Dad: “I taught my kids a lot about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and what pizza to order.”
Dad’s best friend: “That must have been a really great learning time for them I’m guessing?”
Dad: “Totally! Especially when I picked the movie and pizza and told them it was because I’m the one with the money.”

Silly Joke #2

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn’t really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I think I’ve farted at least a few times since I’ve been here in your office. You wouldn’t know I was farting because they really don’t smell and are totally silent.” The doctor says, “I see. Here’s a prescription. Make sure to take this 3 times a day for seven days and come back and see me next week.” The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts … although still silent… stink terribly.” The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s start working on your hearing.”

Silly Joke #3

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife’s birthday and their anniversary. To try to fix that, he opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with both dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on those precise dates along with an appropriate note signed, “Your loving husband.” His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, “Nice flowers, honey. Where’d you get them?”

Bonus Silly Joke

Two parents took their 5-year-old son Little Johnny, who always says the most inappropriate of things, on a summer vacation and went to the beach nearby one day, only realizing once they got there it was actually a nude beach. They decided to stay as they felt it would be a great learning lesson for Little Johnny. The father went for a walk on the beach while Little Johnny dashed into the water and began playing in the waves. Not too long after he came running back to his mom and says…”Mommy, Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!!!” The mom replied, “Well son, the bigger they are, the dumber they are!” Little Johnny shrugged his shoulders and then ran back into the water to play in the waves again. Several minutes later he was back and says, “Mommy, Mommy, I just saw men with huge dingy’s so much bigger than daddy’s!” The mom replied, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are dear!” Little Johnny shrugged his shoulders again and quickly left to go play in the waves once more. A few minutes later he was back yet again and says, “Mommy, Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I’ve ever seen and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got too!!!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, “You know, I’ve been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!’” The other woman turned to her and said “I know! Because I heard it snoring quite loudly at times!!!”

Silly Joke #2

John was a loyal choir member, but he could not carry a tune. To make things worse, he sang loud and made others sing off key. Without success, the choir director had tried to discourage John from participating in the choir. The choir director asked the pastor’s help in getting John out of the choir. The pastor agreed to try. The pastor tried to find tasks and responsibilities that would interfere with John’s attendance at choir rehearsal or keep him out of the choir loft on Sunday morning. John, however, would not accept any of the tasks or responsibilities, stating that he would not shirk his duties as a loyal choir member. Finally, the choir director gave the pastor an ultimatum, “Either you find a way to get John out of the choir or I will resign as choir director.”So, with much uneasiness, the pastor called upon John at home one evening and said, “John, I must ask you to drop out of the choir.” John was shocked and asked, “Why would you ask such a thing? We need all the singers we can get.” The pastor replied, “Well, John, people are complaining about your singing.” “How many?” was John’s response. Not wanting to be too harsh and admit that nearly everyone in the congregation had been complaining, the pastor said, “I’ve received more than a dozen complaints.” “I’m sorry, pastor, but honestly, that’s not enough. I’ve actually heard a lot more complaints about your preaching and you haven’t quit yet…”

Silly Joke #3

A woman who had been taking golf lessons was just starting out at the 1st tee on her own for the first time alone when she got stung by a huge bee. Distraught, she went back into the clubhouse and told her golf instructor about the incident. “Where did it sting you?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole!” she replied. He shook his head and said: “That’s your problem right there. You had your feet too far apart!”

Bonus Silly Joke

This guy walks into a bank and says to the woman teller at the window, “I want to open up a fu$$ing checking account immediately!” To which the teller replied, “I beg your pardon sir?” said the teller in dismay at the man’s rudeness and vulgar language. “Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fu$$ing checking account.” “Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!” The teller then left her window and went over to the bank manager to tell him of the situation. They both returned where the manager asked, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There’s no fu$$ing problem,” the man says, “I won $50 million in the lottery earlier this month and I just want to open a fu$$ing checking account in this damn bank! Is my use of language really going to prevent that?” “Not at all sir! Let’s ignore what the fu$$ing teller said and get that checking account opened immediately for you ok?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

The town drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into his only friend who asked, “What do you have in there bud?” “A mongoose.” he slurred. “What for?” his friend asked. “Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I always seem to see snakes, and you know I’m scared to death of snakes. So that’s why I got this mongoose, for protection.” “But,” the friend said, “You idiot! You know those are imaginary snakes you’re seeing just because of how much you drink!” “I know, I know!” said the town drunk opening the box to reveal its empty contents. “But, so is my mongoose!!!”

Silly Joke #2

A minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled out and new dentures were put in. The first Sunday after, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. On the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation on the huge jump in sermon time, he responded this way:“The first Sunday, my gums were so sore from the new dentures that it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were still hurting me a lot. But, on the third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife’s dentures…and I just couldn’t shut up!!!”

Silly Joke #3

A mother was trying to get her son to get out of bed to get ready for school. “I am not going to school!” Her son responded defiantly. “Why not?” his Mom wanted to know. “Well, first of all I hate school, and second of all, all the kids hate me as well!!” he answered. “Son, those aren’t very good reasons not to go. You need to get up now and get ready for school dear!” she replied. “Well, give me two good reasons then why I should,” her son said. “Well,” Mom said quietly, “First of all you are 52 years old and second of all, you are the Principal!”

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult Humor)

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can’t help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has an extremely small head in comparison. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, “You know, I really don’t want to be rude but your head is so small compared to the rest of your body!” The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously heard this many times. “Want to know why? There’s a good story behind it,” he says. “Sure.” responds the bartender eagerly. “One day,” the muscular guy begins, “I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard a strange cry for help. I followed the cry until they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream crying.” “No s***?” says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued. “Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, ‘Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.’ I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. I mean, what the hell did I have to lose. Then POOF! The frog suddenly turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, woman. She said, ‘Thank you for saving me. I now grant you three wishes!’ It was hard to believe this was all happening, but there she was after a frog was just in my hands. So, I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ‘I wish to be the size of Dwayne Johnson.’ She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of most of my clothes. She then asked, ‘What will be your second wish?’ I was still a virgin because no one ever wanted me the way I normally looked, so I looked at her and said, ‘I want to make sensuous love with you right here by this stream.’ She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!” “Oh my!” said the bartender thoroughly enjoying the story. “So, as we lay next to each other, after our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ‘You know, you do have one more wish my handsome man. What will it be?’ I actually was still feeling a little horny at that point and nothing in my life had ever been as good as what I had just experienced with her, so I looked at her and said, ‘I wish for a little head’ and there you have it…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson