Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

When the printouts from John’s laser printer began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably just needed to be cleaned and the cartridge changed. Because the store charged $50 for the task, he told John he’d be better off reading the printer’s manual and doing the job himself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, John asked, “Does your boss know that you are discouraging business?” “Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first…”

Silly Joke #2

An interim school superintendent, speaking at a city-wide PTA luncheon, assured members that he was always happy to hear from them about problems. He told them, “You can call me anytime, day or night, at this number…” He then read the number aloud for everyone to write down. Suddenly there was a cry from his assistant superintendent. “Hey,” the assistance superintendent exclaimed, “that’s MY number!!!”

Silly Joke #3

Customer: (to bartender): “My wife and I just got into a knock down, drag out fight!”
Bartender: “What happened?”
Customer: “We weren’t seeing eye to eye about her weight gain, but when it was all over, she came crawling back to me on her hands and knees!”
Bartender: “Wow! Really?”
Customer: “Yeah, she told me to come out from under the bed!”

Bonus Silly Joke

Little Johnny is all grown up and still continues to say the most inappropriate of things at the most inappropriate of times. “I hope you like your birthday gift!”, Little Johnny says handing a gift box to his girlfriend on her birthday. She gleefully opens it up and then says sounding disappointed, “It’s a sexy pair of lingerie, thanks, but, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me Johnny.” Little Johnny then says, “Well, if you want to get technical about it, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “A glass of your finest Less, please.” “Less? Never heard of it my friend…”, the bartender responds. “C’mon, I’m sure you have!”, the guy insists. “No, really, I don’t think we stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?”, the bartender says baffled. “I’m not sure. But, my doctor told me today that I really needed to start drinking Less and I told him I would get right on that!!!”

Silly Joke #2

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. “I’ve got you a job,” says his agent. “That’s great,” says the actor, what is it?” “Well,” says his agent, “it’s a one-liner in a play.” “That’s okay,” replies the actor, “I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?” “Hark, I hear the cannons roar” says the agent. “I love it” says the actor. “When’s the audition?” “Wednesday” says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition, which isn’t too far from his house. He marches on stage and shouts bravely: “Hark, I hear the cannons roar!”. “Brilliant!”, says the director, “you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening.” The actor is so happy he finally got an acting gig that he goes on a major bender for a few days that he ends around 8:00pm Saturday night. He runs to the theatre still somewhat under the influence, continually repeating his line, “Hark, I hear the cannons roar, Hark, I hear the cannons roar, Hark, I hear the cannons roar.” When he arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath, he is stopped by the guard. “Who the hell are you?” asks the guard. “I’m “Hark, I hear the cannons roar!” “Well, if you are “Hark I hear the cannons roar”, you’re freaking late. Get to makeup right now!” So he runs to makeup. “Who the hell are you” asks the makeup girl. “I’m “Hark I hear the cannons roar!”” “Well, if you’re hark I hear the cannons roar”, you’re freaking late. Sit down!” She quickly applies the makeup. “Now hurry, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on.” He dashes down to the stage where’s he met by the stage manager. “Who the hell are you?” asks the stage manager. “I’m “Hark, I hear the cannons roar!”” “Well, if you’re “Hark, I hear the cannons roar, you were almost replaced! Be ready! You’re about to go on!” A few minutes later the stage manager says it’s his time to go out there. So he tears onto the stage, sees the house is full, when suddenly a huge cannon goes off behind him, startling him totally out of his bender, where he shouts, “WHAT THE F$$K WAS THAT?”

Silly Joke #3

There was a farmer who grew some pretty amazing watermelons. He was doing pretty well in the watermelon business because of it, but he was disturbed by some local kids who kept sneaking into his watermelon patch at night and eat some of them. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare them away for sure. So, he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, “Warning! One of these watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.” The kids left without disturbing any and came back the next night with a sign of their own. When the farmer came out the next morning, he surveyed the field and noticed that while no watermelons were missing, a sign had been placed next to his that read, “Now there are two!”

Bonus Silly Joke

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. He replied, “No thanks. I don’t drink. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.” So the bartender said, “Well, would you like a cigarette?” But the man said, “No thanks. I don’t smoke. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.” The bartender asked him if he’d like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, “No thanks. I don’t like pool. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t be here at all, but it’s where my only son asked to meet me.” The bartender said, “Well, I guess that means you tried sex once too, but didn’t like it either?

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Little Johnny: Mom, you know that show Dora The Explorer?
Mom: Yes, Johnny, what about it dear?
Little Jonny: Well, if she’s always getting lost, and people are always out looking for her, why don’t they just call it Dora The Amber Alerter?

Silly Joke #2

Tao: Stuff happens.
Catholicism: You need to confess your stuff to be saved.
Judaism: Stuff happens because you didn’t follow the rules.
Islam: Stuff happens according to the will of Allah.
Buddhism: All stuff is an illusion.
Zen: What is the sound of stuff happening?
Hinduism: This stuff has happened before many times.
Mormonism: Stuff can be prevented by going door-to-door.
Evangelical: The stuff is your thorn to bear that’s meant to humble you!
Agnosticism: I need proof that something is behind all this stuff!
Atheism: All that stuff about the stuff is just a bunch of made up stuff!
Jonestown: Forget about the stuff and just drink this Kool-Aid.

Silly Joke #3

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through the aging wife leans over and whispers to her aging husband, “I just silently passed a bunch of gas but thankfully it didn’t smell. I’m not sure though if I should head to the bathroom and see if I have to go? What do you think I should do dear?” Her husband replied, “I think we need to put some new batteries in your hearing aids dear and we may also need to get you a COVID test…”

Bonus Silly Joke

Little Johnny was now a teenager working in a supermarket when suddenly he’s approached by a guy holding some carrots. “My wife asked me to buy organic carrots from the market, but I looked around and couldn’t find any. All I found were these…”, he said holding them up. “Do you know if these have been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?” Little Johnny looked at him and said, “No. If you want that on them, you’ll have to do that yourself…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson