Category: The Spiritual Side Of Sexuality

There was a time when I extremely afraid of the world knowing I was gay. In fact, before I ever came out of the closet I was completely homophobic and even used racial slurs against those whose sexuality was no different than mine. But even after I did come out of the closet, I still struggled to be honest with the world around me about my true sexual preference. Thankfully, that’s not the case anymore and that became quite evident lately when I was outed by a friend of mine at one of my AA home groups.

I belong to two recovery home groups in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous in Toledo, OH. One strictly caters to the LGBTQ community, while the other is not specifically geared towards any specific subset of recovery. To put it rather simply, one is really gay, while one is really not. Obviously the meeting that I was outed at was not the one predominantly attended by gay people. Ironically though, that meeting is nonetheless attended by a small number of gay people who are also members of my LGBTQ home group. One of them is relatively new to recovery and is the same one who outed me during his share the other day.

Up until the day it happened, I had never actually talked openly in that group about my sexuality. There were several members who did know though only because they had either (a) read my blog where it’s discussed pretty openly, or (b) learned it through general conversations with me. Anyway, as my new recovery friend shared during one of those meetings only a few days ago, he spoke of our LGBTQ-based AA meeting and how happy he was getting to know others in it. Suddenly, he spoke of those he was referring to, one of which was I. In the past, this action would have utterly horrified me. Most likely, I would have felt like a tortoise that wanted to quickly crawl back into its shell. I might have even gone so far as telling white lies to disassociate me from what he had said. But I did none of the above when it happened. In fact, I did nothing at all other than take part in the meeting as I normally do. By the end of the meeting, I had completely forgotten about it until my friend approached and profusely apologized for outing me. I reassured him that everything was fine and that I wasn’t upset on any level.

I’m amazed sometimes when I take a look at how far I’ve come in just a short period of time, especially when it comes to being as open about my sexuality as I am now. The truth is that I don’t really care anymore what people think when it comes to my sexual preference. Ironically, I actually have compassion today for those who struggle accepting homosexuals, because there once was a day when that was I. I also inherently have found that the more I’m comfortable with that part of me, the more all others seem to be too, but the less I was comfortable with it, the less that others seemed to be as well.

I’m so grateful that I’m much more comfortable with my sexuality today than how it used to be for me. I no longer feel the need to cover up that part of me, neither do I feel the desire to use any bi-sexual or my jokingly tri-sexual (I try anything) labels I once used regularly with others due to my fears.

Life sure has changed when it comes to how I handle my sexuality nowadays. I’m quite thankful to my Higher Power for helping me get to this point in my life where a random outing in a predominantly heterosexual meeting did nothing more than show that fear no longer controls that part of my life.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Most people don’t normally like to talk about sex. It’s generally a topic that’s avoided unless it’s between close friends or two people having an intimate relationship. When I was active in my sex and love addiction though, I used to talk about it all the time to just about everyone I came around. Thankfully, my recovery from that addiction has changed that and I’m much more reserved these days in discussing anything related to it. But there is one area that I’d like to discuss openly with everyone who reads this and it deals with the level of importance that is placed on sex in a relationship.

Many years ago, I met someone from New Jersey who I found extremely attractive. We hit it off in conversation and in chemistry, and I thought the two of us were a good match for a long-term relationship. After two solid weeks of going out on some dates and developing a few romantic feelings, I ran into a wall with that relationship. On one particular evening during a romantic moment, this person attempted to force sex between us. When I stated that I was old-fashioned and wanted to date for a longer period of time, his response was that he wasn’t interested in dating anymore. He said he wanted to have sex because it was one of the most important parts of a relationship. He told me it wouldn’t be worth it to keep dating if the sex between us wasn’t that good. I was dumbfounded at his response and I promptly ended our dating shortly thereafter.

He’s not the first person I’ve met who has felt this way either. I’ve met many other men, especially in the gay community, who feel that sex is the most important part of a relationship. At one point in time, during my sex and love addiction based years, I probably felt the same. Thankfully, that’s quite far from the truth for me now.

While my partner might not be that happy in me stating this, I find it totally acceptable to go weeks without engaging in sex these days. No, that doesn’t mean that I’m a cold fish during all those weeks. In fact, I’m actually quite playful, very touchy feely, and enjoy a good cuddle at the end of every day. To me, those elements are far more important than engaging in sex for however long it lasts.

Some of you reading this may be thinking that maybe my current partner isn’t satisfying me, and that’s why I feel this way. That’s far from the real truth to be honest with all of you. Coming from a person who once lived for almost two decades in a sex and love addiction, there used to be a constant effort to try to top each previous sexual experience. It led me to finding boredom in sex because of that addiction and I starting going to extremes just to experience a high with it. I’m grateful these days that behavior is not active in my life anymore. And while I do enjoy the sexual intimacy with my partner when it happens, it’s not something that I desire to place a huge emphasis on anymore.

What I find most important in my relationship now is growing a spiritual connection between the two of us. That involves me being honest in everything, openly communicating my feelings, showing my daily affection, and offering my love and support to my partner when he needs it. While I do treasure those times I’m sexually intimate with my partner, the bottom line is that I’m not living my life anymore thinking about having to engage in it regularly with him. They say that men think about having sex at least every seven seconds, but I can safely say that I don’t fit into that mold anymore and I’m convinced it has something to do with my priorities these days.

The biggest priority in my life for far too many years was to find my next sexual conquest. Today, my biggest priorities are to grow closer to my Higher Power, to practice the 12-Steps daily, and to show my unconditional love to each and every individual. Having sex isn’t one of those priorities anymore and I can see so clearly today that it’s just one small facet of a healthy relationship.

If sex is still one of your number one priorities in life, you may want to look at why that is. Truthfully, there are a lot of things in life far more enjoyable than any of the sex I’ve ever had in my entire life with anyone. Also, a healthy relationship can actually exist when sex is not the top priority, or even one near the top. There are many people in this world that can’t have sex for various health reasons, and they too have found great happiness in other ways in their relationships. While sex can be wonderful, fun, and important, try to remember that it’s not what truly cements a long lasting relationship together. It’s the unconditional love that does…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

It really is sometimes quite difficult being gay and in a same-sex relationship, even in this day and age. Even though there are a lot more laws in place to protect people like me, even though a bunch of states have legalized marriage, and even though there are many more supporters of gay rights, I still have a lot of fear about what it means to me to be fully out of the closet.

I believe that coming out of the closet will look and feel different for each and every individual who ends up going through this process. Initially, when I did so, it came in the form of a declaration to my family that I was attracted more to a man than a woman. But over the years since then I have come to feel that there are many more stages to this process, some of which I know I went through, and some of which I know I still haven’t.

When this process began as I told my parents I was attracted to men, I had to overcome an incredible amount of fear to do so. My biggest worry back then was their rejection. I’ve seen over the years how many other mothers and fathers completely disowned their children because of their sexual preference and thankfully I never had to go through that. My father completely accepted me when I told him, and while my mother never totally embraced that part of me, she did do her best to continue loving me as her only son.

As the years went on after this initial coming out process, I would go through the various other stages of stepping out of that closet. Some of that would include going to a gay bar, joining a gay bowling league, going on a gay date, and getting into a gay relationship. Each of those actions involved me walking through additional fear and taking several more steps outside of that closet. But the biggest challenge to my coming out process began when I tried to intermix with other heterosexual people as a homosexual. That’s when the rejections began popping up everywhere.

There were multiple “not welcomed” stamps given to me from various churches. There were many “I can’t be your friend” stamps handed to me by people I thought were close. There were even jobs that let me go because of my sexuality preference. Each of these things led me in the complete opposite direction of where I was headed with my sexuality and soon I found myself going back into that closet.

First I started saying I was bi-sexual because I saw how that seemed to gain more acceptance by society. Next, I started dating women again even though I felt little to no connection with them. Then I began going to the same type of churches that had denied me entrance as a member. And finally, I began hanging out with those very people who felt begin gay was a sin.

I thank God that I eventually woke up and saw what I was doing to myself. I realized I had almost fully denied who I was. That’s when I began to start my coming out process all over again by taking a few steps out of the closet once again. I walked away from those people who were around me that had racism towards gay people. I avoided those churches and places of employment that held very right wing stances towards homosexuals. And I began surrounding myself with all those who were in support and love of all walks of life including gay people such as me.

Over the past two years since then, life has definitely changed for me. I’m not afraid anymore to be in a relationship with a gay man. I don’t let others try to convince me that being gay is a sin because it’s not; only man ever said it was. And I embrace everyone equally as I would want the same of myself. In other words, I practice what I preach. Unfortunately there are still two obstacles I face to walking fully out of that closet and they deal with public affection and telling brand new friends about my sexual preference.

With public affection, it’s still rare to see two men walking around holding hands or even kissing in most places in this world. Often when it does happen, it’s only in very “gay-based” areas or it’s received with jeers and taunts or even a bashing. My fear of this leads me to withhold my love and affection for my partner, even if a romantic moment should strike me when we’re out and about. Thus, on some level, I’m still in the closet with who I am because of this.

In regards to the new friends who enter my life, especially in the recovery from addictions world, I have occasionally found myself talking in third person terms about my partner using words such as “they, them, or their” instead of him or he. When I share at meetings, I usually don’t discuss anything about my personal relationship either. Most of this stems from the massive loss of friendships I’ve had over the years with people who haven’t been able to accept me for who I am. Thus here too, I’m still in the closet with who I am.

So on some level I know I’ve been in and out of the closet for years and I truly hope to one day be able to walk away from it for good. I pray for a world that doesn’t allow religious views to lead everyone to believe that being gay is wrong and a sin. I pray for a world that doesn’t look down upon two men or two women walking hand in hand together. And I pray for a world that becomes filled with a lot more love and light so that all of us who are gay can step fully out of that closet once and for all. Until then, I will continue to do my best to overcome my fears and strive for a life where I don’t find myself stepping in and out of the closet anymore.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson