Most people don’t normally like to talk about sex. It’s generally a topic that’s avoided unless it’s between close friends or two people having an intimate relationship. When I was active in my sex and love addiction though, I used to talk about it all the time to just about everyone I came around. Thankfully, my recovery from that addiction has changed that and I’m much more reserved these days in discussing anything related to it. But there is one area that I’d like to discuss openly with everyone who reads this and it deals with the level of importance that is placed on sex in a relationship.
Many years ago, I met someone from New Jersey who I found extremely attractive. We hit it off in conversation and in chemistry, and I thought the two of us were a good match for a long-term relationship. After two solid weeks of going out on some dates and developing a few romantic feelings, I ran into a wall with that relationship. On one particular evening during a romantic moment, this person attempted to force sex between us. When I stated that I was old-fashioned and wanted to date for a longer period of time, his response was that he wasn’t interested in dating anymore. He said he wanted to have sex because it was one of the most important parts of a relationship. He told me it wouldn’t be worth it to keep dating if the sex between us wasn’t that good. I was dumbfounded at his response and I promptly ended our dating shortly thereafter.
He’s not the first person I’ve met who has felt this way either. I’ve met many other men, especially in the gay community, who feel that sex is the most important part of a relationship. At one point in time, during my sex and love addiction based years, I probably felt the same. Thankfully, that’s quite far from the truth for me now.
While my partner might not be that happy in me stating this, I find it totally acceptable to go weeks without engaging in sex these days. No, that doesn’t mean that I’m a cold fish during all those weeks. In fact, I’m actually quite playful, very touchy feely, and enjoy a good cuddle at the end of every day. To me, those elements are far more important than engaging in sex for however long it lasts.
Some of you reading this may be thinking that maybe my current partner isn’t satisfying me, and that’s why I feel this way. That’s far from the real truth to be honest with all of you. Coming from a person who once lived for almost two decades in a sex and love addiction, there used to be a constant effort to try to top each previous sexual experience. It led me to finding boredom in sex because of that addiction and I starting going to extremes just to experience a high with it. I’m grateful these days that behavior is not active in my life anymore. And while I do enjoy the sexual intimacy with my partner when it happens, it’s not something that I desire to place a huge emphasis on anymore.
What I find most important in my relationship now is growing a spiritual connection between the two of us. That involves me being honest in everything, openly communicating my feelings, showing my daily affection, and offering my love and support to my partner when he needs it. While I do treasure those times I’m sexually intimate with my partner, the bottom line is that I’m not living my life anymore thinking about having to engage in it regularly with him. They say that men think about having sex at least every seven seconds, but I can safely say that I don’t fit into that mold anymore and I’m convinced it has something to do with my priorities these days.
The biggest priority in my life for far too many years was to find my next sexual conquest. Today, my biggest priorities are to grow closer to my Higher Power, to practice the 12-Steps daily, and to show my unconditional love to each and every individual. Having sex isn’t one of those priorities anymore and I can see so clearly today that it’s just one small facet of a healthy relationship.
If sex is still one of your number one priorities in life, you may want to look at why that is. Truthfully, there are a lot of things in life far more enjoyable than any of the sex I’ve ever had in my entire life with anyone. Also, a healthy relationship can actually exist when sex is not the top priority, or even one near the top. There are many people in this world that can’t have sex for various health reasons, and they too have found great happiness in other ways in their relationships. While sex can be wonderful, fun, and important, try to remember that it’s not what truly cements a long lasting relationship together. It’s the unconditional love that does…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson