Category: Words To Live By

Have you ever gone against a gut feeling and done something anyway, and then got really hurt in the process? If you don’t know what I mean by this, then hopefully the following Native American story that a friend of mine shared with me the other day can help. It’s called The Little Boy And The Rattlesnake.

“The little boy was walking down a path and he came across a rattlesnake. The rattlesnake was getting old. He asked, “Please little boy, can you take me to the top of the mountain? I hope to see the sunset one last time before I die.” The little boy answered “No Mr. Rattlesnake. If I pick you up, you’ll bite me and I’ll die.” The rattlesnake said, “No, I promise. I won’t bite you. Just please take me up to the mountain.” The little boy thought about it and finally picked up that rattlesnake and took it close to his chest and carried it up to the top of the mountain. They sat there and watched the sunset together. It was so beautiful. Then after sunset the rattlesnake turned to the little boy and asked, “Can I go home now? I am tired, and I am old.” The little boy picked up the rattlesnake and again took it to his chest and held it tightly and safely. He came all the way down the mountain holding the snake carefully and took it to his home to give him some food and a place to sleep. The next day the rattlesnake turned to the boy and asked, “Please little boy, will you take me back to my home now? It is time for me to leave this world, and I would like to be at my home now.” The little boy felt he had been safe all this time and the snake had kept his word, so he would take it home as asked. He carefully picked up the snake, took it close to his chest, and carried him back to the woods, to his home to die. Just before he laid the rattlesnake down, the rattlesnake turned and bit him in the chest. The little boy cried out and threw the snake upon the ground. “Mr. Snake, why did you do that? Now I will surely die!” The rattlesnake looked up at him and grinned, “You knew what I was when you picked me up.”

There are so many moments in my life that I can 100% relate to what this little boy went through. In fact, I went through it just recently with a person I befriended in my recovery circles over a year ago. Initially, my gut had told me to keep my distance from them back when we had first met, but I didn’t. At first, everything seemed great in this connection for a while, but eventually that person did end up “biting” me, which came in the form of some very hurtful words. It wasn’t really a deadly “bite” so my wounds were able to heal pretty quickly, especially after their apologies were made. But sadly, I drew that person back in close to my chest ignoring in the process that gut feeling that said to stay away. All that resulted in was receiving many more of those “bites” over time. I’m grateful that none of them were ever deadly, but ultimately when I got poisoned enough from each of those “bites”, I was able to throw this “rattlesnake” down permanently.

I truly wish I could say that this recent example was only an isolated incident in my life, but I can’t. There are so many other “rattlesnakes” I’ve allowed to get close to me as well, where my gut had told me the very same thing which was was to keep my distance. But I never did and I always ended up getting bitten by each of them somewhere along the way. Sometimes that was through being taken to the cleaners with money I had loaned them. Sometimes that was through being used for free meals, coffees, or even vacations I had given them. And sometimes that was even through me being taken advantage of sexually by them. Regardless of however the “bites” ever manifested, these “rattlesnakes” were only able to do that in the first place because I had gone against a gut feeling, picked them up, and brought them close to my chest anyway.

So you would think that with as many “bites” as I’ve had over the years from all these “rattlesnakes” that I would have learned by now to fully listen to those gut feelings and not pick them up even once. I guess it just goes to show that I still have some more work to do in this area. But maybe now that I actually understand this story of The Little Boy And The Rattlesnake, I’ll listen to my gut next time and won’t get bitten ever again.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Did you ever have anyone tell you when you were growing up that you shouldn’t cry? Or if you happen to be a guy who’s reading this, were you taught that grown men don’t cry? If you answered yes to either of these questions, then you’re not alone as I did as well. But I’m here to tell you that I sobbed in a parking lot at the mall a couple of days ago and I’m not ashamed of it either because I’ve learned on my spiritual journey that it really is ok to cry.

It’s truly sad how many people grow up believing that it’s not ok to show this type of emotional response. In my case, I can remember being bullied by some kids in the neighborhood so much so that I came home one day gushing in tears. When my mother saw me in that state of duress, she told me to stop crying and that I needed to toughen up. It wasn’t too long after this that she enrolled me in Tae Kwon Do classes mostly because she didn’t want me to be a big baby. So can you guess what happened to me the next time I was bullied? I got angry and punched a kid in the face instead, breaking my hand in the process. And from that point forward anger started becoming my go to emotion instead of tears.

Over the years it became harder and harder for me to get in touch with those tears the more I lived in that anger. Sure I got weepy during many drunken binges for all the years I was an active alcoholic. But after becoming clean and sober, it took an incredible amount of pain for me to get in touch with the emotions that produced my tears. Often, it just seemed like my eyes were a dried up well.

Take for example when my father died from suicide. I remember my sister asking me at his funeral if I was ok because I wasn’t expressing myself through any tears. In fact, almost three years went by after his death before I even opened up about it and cried and that actually took me going away on a spiritual retreat for it to happen. The same thing held true when my mother tragically died, except in her case I stayed angry for almost double the time I did over my father’s death until I was able to cry.

There have been many other painful moments in my life as well where I haven’t been able to elicit even a single tear. But thankfully, my 12 Step recovery work helped me to draw much closer to God who in turn showed me that it really is ok to cry, especially given how beneficial crying is in the healing process. I always feel so much better after my tears are shed and I believe the reason for that relates to the energy that’s released when it happens. When I finally found the tears over my father’s passing after all those years, it was as if each one was a release of the anger I had held onto for so long. That’s why I became so grateful when I found recovery because I started to find the waterworks on a regular basis and I know that helped me to heal much of my past anger. But lately though I seem to be struggling again with being able to cry with any regularity and that’s been frustrating me quite a bit. With all the heightened physical pains I’ve been enduring for as long as I have, I’ve desperately wanted to cry on more days than not hoping it might help ease some of my discomfort. Alas, that hasn’t been able to happen at all in the past six months or so, at least not until the other day that is.

I honestly don’t know why my tears were finally able to manifest after so many months of absence, but I’m extremely thankful they did. There is something I noticed though as I sat there in my front seat bawling my eyes out. I kept on looking out my window wondering if anyone was going to walk by and see me in shambles. I know that action alone says there’s still a part of me afraid to show my tears, especially in front of others.

So it’s obvious I still have a little more work to do to counteract some negative childhood programming that relates to me showing my tears. Hopefully over time though God will continue to help me become less and less afraid to display this emotional response because I know how crucial that is to my health and healing. In the meantime, I will continue to remind myself what I’ve learned on my spiritual journey so far in life, which is that it really is ok for me to cry, even if I may be one of those grown men…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Even though I’m 42 years old, I occasionally spend time with an extraordinary teddy bear named Philip and I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to say that at all. He holds great significance with much of the spiritual journey I’ve been on so far in sobriety. And he is most definitely that which is stitched onto his sweater, which is a “Prayer Bear”.

Philip came into my life during one of the harder periods I’ve had to endure in sobriety, which was immediately after my father had committed suicide. I was regularly attending a church (MCC D.C.) at the time and I can remember sitting there in the pews every Sunday after his death crying my eyes out, wondering how I was going to make it through the pain I was feeling inside over this loss. On one of those particular Sundays, a couple approached me carrying a teddy bear in their hands and said it was a gift for me. They explained how this special bear had gone through its own difficult ordeal in life by pointing out the many patches and imperfections it had all over its body, as well as the stitching that said “Prayer Bear” on its sweater. They told me I’d make it through this grieving process and any others I had in life by simply holding this bear close, as it then would help remind me of this. From that day forward I began to do exactly that, time and time and time again when any of life’s tragedies came my way.

I named this bear Philip the day I received him because the sermon was on a reading in that specific book of the Bible. Philip has been through so many trials in my life that I consider him like a best friend now. I held him quite close when one of my best friends died from complications of AIDS. I cried all over him more times than I can count when my mother fell down the stairs drunk and died. After I lost every penny I put into the bed and breakfast I once owned, Philip provided me the much-needed comfort I desperately sought. He was also there for me during each of my codependent friendships that were abusive and toxic. And for the past four and a half years, Philip has been in my arms on more days than I can remember helping me to endure the high levels of physical pain my body still faces.

Philip really has been through every bit of pain I’ve suffered from for almost two decades now and I honestly cannot imagine life without him. I’ve often said if there were a fire in my home that left me enough time to take one thing that was non-living, it would be him. I know that may sound weird to you, but sometimes I truly believe that Philip is just an extension of my Higher Power’s love. What’s ironic though is that each time I find myself holding Philip and praying just as his sweater says, it’s almost as if my Higher Power is actually the one who’s holding me.

So however you end up taking this remains to be seen, but yes I really am a 42-year-old man who treasures a unique teddy bear named Philip. He was brought into my life during a tragic time and he’s been there with me through all the others, and for that I’m truly grateful to be in possession of a “Prayer Bear” who connects me that much closer to my Higher Power each and every day…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson