Category: Words To Live By

“… If They Return, It’s Meant To Be.” This age-old adage is one I’ve been applying lately to the longest running and closest friendship I’ve had in this life. Two days ago I posted a prayer on reconciliation that dealt specifically with this friend. Ironically, the day after posting it, I thought my prayer was answered when I got a phone call from him after almost two full months with no contact. Unfortunately by the time that call ended, it felt as if our friendship might actually be headed in the exact opposite direction of what I have been praying for.

My words seem to be failing me as I try to write this solely because the idea of losing a 17-year friendship is something I cannot take lightly. While the outcome of it is not officially determined yet, my friend made a decision during his period of silence with me that impacted me so greatly, it’s caused me to re-evaluate where he stands in my life.

His decision deals with something I’ve been looking forward to doing with him for quite some time and that’s to attend the upcoming 2015 AA World Convention in Atlanta, GA. It only happens once every five years with the last one being in San Antonio, TX in 2010. While we had plenty of good moments with each other back then, I was still living with an active sex and love addiction that I know put a damper between us at various times. Thankfully, I became clean and sober from that addiction not too long after that convention, which brought renewed vigor to our friendship. Because of that we decided to room together again at the next one spending a full week doing both the convention and some sightseeing. We continued to talk about these plans with a lot of excitement right up until he suddenly asked for space to work through a few things from a few of our past struggles. While I thought we had already worked through all of them, I accepted his request and waited as patiently as I could, which included me writing and saying that prayer for reconciliation.

When I saw that phone call coming in from this friend the day after posting that prayer, I was overjoyed and it didn’t take long for the two of us to be laughing with each other hysterically like always. Forty minutes later we were about to say goodbye until our next conversation, when I asked him if he got my email confirming the room reservation for the upcoming convention. That’s when he told me he had changed plans and was rooming with a few other friends instead. To some this may not seem like a big deal, but it actually says a lot about where I stand in his life at the present time. Sadly, that’s because his decision reminds me of a behavior I once did regularly to others.

I used to make plans with a lot of people who really cared about me and who looked forward to the things we would schedule together. But when another option would arrive that seemed to fit my ego better, I’d pull the carpet out from underneath these friends by canceling and making plans with someone else instead. Even worse, I always expected them to just shrug it off. When I became on the receiving end of this behavior again and again from various people I thought were friends, I learned two lessons. One, I wasn’t as important to those people as I thought I was. And two, even more importantly, I fully saw how much it hurt to be on the receiving end of it myself. There’s a great saying in the Bible that says to “Do unto others as you would do unto you”. In this case, I don’t want to do this behavior anymore to anyone because I know how it feels nowadays. Knowing this doesn’t make it any easier though when seeing it still being done to me, especially by someone I feel is my closest friend.

All I can really say is that my heart and soul are hurting right now and I’m unwilling to continue putting them in jeopardy if its only going to result in me getting hurt time and time again. I said this recently in another posting and I’ll say it again. I can’t and won’t wait around for someone to treat me with the love and respect I deserve in life. While my friend’s decision may not seem like that big of a deal to him, it is to me and is just one of many other things he’s done that have been slowly making me question where I actually stand in his life. I sincerely don’t know the answer to that, but I do know that God does. So the only thing I really can do is to turn it over to God and to practice acceptance on whatever ends up happening.

I honestly pray that this 17-year friendship isn’t over, but I do whole-heartedly believe in that age-old adage that says “If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free. If They Return, It’s Meant To Be.” Whatever the outcome of that action ends up being with this friend, I’m just grateful for the God of my understanding. That’s only because I know that even if my prayer for reconciliation isn’t answered in the way I want, that God will sustain and lead me to serenity through it all…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Recently I wrote an entry about the signs to look for within oneself when in the midst of a spiritual awakening. Unfortunately, I forgot to mention something in it that’s equally as important and that’s the signs to look for when one is moving in the exact opposite direction of having one of those spiritual awakenings.

While I may be currently undergoing one of the longest spiritual awakenings in my life so far, it wasn’t that long ago when I was doing a total reversal of that. Rather than go into any great detail about that slippery slope I used to be on, I felt it would be better to do something else instead. So I decided to make the following list of just some of the many examples of when I once was heading more on a path of unspirituality than of actually experiencing a spiritual awakening.

1. Demonstrating aggression and road rage such as cutting a car off, yelling obscenities at a driver, or trying to show someone how bad I think their driving skills are.
2. Trash talking and/or gossiping about anyone, anywhere, and at any time.
3. Trying to control everyone and everything around me such as changing the temperature in a meeting room just to suit my own comfort level.
4. Giving guilt trips and manipulating my closest friends into doing what I want.
5. Doing good-natured actions for someone but with a hidden agenda.
6. Looking at any type of pornographic material on a regular basis.
7. Having one-night stands or “friends with benefits”.
8. Overindulging in various foods to the point of feeling uncomfortably stuffed.
9. Consuming daily large quantities of caffeinated beverages.
10. Spending more and more money on things I don’t really need.
11. Swearing and being more negative than not when I talk.
12. Making judgments of people for their actions more than not.
13. Steering most of the conversations I have with anyone towards the sexual realm.
14. Feeling regularly shameful or dirty inside about the way I’m living.
15. Becoming overly dependent (or codependent) on a friend.
16. Skipping regular bathing habits and/or routine household chores.
17. Avoiding being financially responsible with monthly bills.

I know I could on and on with many more examples of whenever I’ve headed into one of these spiritual lulls in life, but I think these are unquestionably the ones I’ve done the most of when that’s happened. I’m sure each of you could probably list your own instances though of when this has happened to you, and hopefully this article may lead you to write some of them down. Having my own list here in front of me has definitely been a great reminder and a good gauge to show me that I’m still on the path of having a spiritual awakening. I’m so grateful I’m no longer going in the exact opposite direction of having one of those and it’s my hope that all of you may create your own list that will say the same for you too…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

If you had to write down three things you were grateful for prior to going to bed one night and they were going to be the only things left behind in your life the next day upon waking, what would they be?

I already try to maintain the best attitude of gratitude every single day by writing down at least ten things I’m grateful for before hitting the hay. But the idea of only having three of them remaining in my life the next day upon waking is hard to fathom. Although this exercise is purely hypothetical in nature, it does force me to put some serious thought as to what’s most important to me in life at the present time.

The first one comes easy to me because it’s the only thing that has saved me from a total life of despair and addictions. It’s also the only thing that has kept me going on any of the days I’ve been down for the count. And even more importantly, it’s the only thing that continues to lift me up when I most need it. If you haven’t guessed what it is already, what I’m most grateful for in my life is the growing spiritual connection I have with my Higher Power. Without that there’s a good chance, actually a great chance really, I’d relapse back into my addiction-prone life and to me that would be the death of my soul and eventually my life altogether.

The second one is somewhat harder for me to write down because on some level it feels a little selfish to me. But without this, I honestly believe I wouldn’t be able to fulfill my life’s spiritual goal as well, which is to be a strong beacon of peace, love, light, and joy for the entire world to benefit from. It’s also something I fully think is critical to maintaining that growing spiritual connection to my Higher Power I just mentioned in my first piece of gratitude. What I’m actually referring to is a healthy life. I’m so grateful for the health and healing processes I’ve been going through and for the healthy life I’m finally coming into. While I know I can still do my Higher Power’s work whether I’m healthy or not, it’s sincerely that important to me today to be healthy in my mind, body, and soul.

This brings me to the third and final thing I’m grateful for, at least in regards to this spiritual exercise. I find this one to be the hardest of all for me to write down because there are so many other things I’m just as grateful for and cherish in life. But writing this one down essentially eliminates each of the others I find to be just as important and even though all this is a purely speculative exercise, I found it nevertheless quite difficult to do. What this last thing is that I’m extremely grateful for is my partner Chris. Although we have our differences at times like most relationships probably have, I truly treasure our friendship, our bond, and our growing love for each other and to not have that seems unfathomable in my life. Sadly though, writing it down as my last piece of gratitude does leave my sister, her family, my spiritual teacher,  and several of my closest friends off this conjectural exercise. While each also do mean the world to me, there is a distance factor that prevents me from feeling as close to them on a daily basis like I would want to have. Regardless, I do love each of them dearly even if they didn’t make my top three.

So I can honestly say I hope that this exercise will never come to fruition though because I can’t imagine my life without many other things that didn’t make my list. Neither do I want to think about what it would be like if the exercise had only allowed for one and one thing alone to be grateful for and left behind in my life the next day. But time and time again I have to say that my number one answer for what I will always be most grateful for in my life is my Higher Power, because without that I am nothing, but with that, I am everything I need to be…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson