Category: Words To Live By

I was clearly reminded the other day during lunch with another, of a former life where I once had loads of money daily at my fingertips. A former life that would alter my ego so much, that I became totally oblivious to the fact that I cared more about myself and all my worldly life achievements than those I spent time with.

Having lunch or just spending time with anyone in general is always a blessing to me because I often find myself spending time alone. So, when I got invited to break bread with someone that I really didn’t know all too well other than from brief time spent with them in the rooms of recovery from addiction, I quickly accepted the invitation and looked forward to it.

When the day arrived for that lunch, this individual picked me up, as I didn’t have a vehicle given it was in the shop for repair. Upon entering their car, they immediately apologized for having to use their relatively new Lexus that was normally meant for transporting their dogs. I learned quickly after that they had at least six other vehicles in a ten-car garage, some being extremely high end, which suddenly led to this compulsion to verbally expel an apology for me living in the ghetto. Their response to that was how they once had to live in a place just like mine. Over the next two hours, I’d learn all about every place they’ve been recently and every place they’re going to in the upcoming weeks, as well as all the high-end suites they’ve stayed in during those travels. I’d learn how big their house is and how many Christmas trees they put up in it during this holiday season. And I’d learn about the many prominent business entrepreneurs they’re connected to and all their future business prospects as well. But what I didn’t learn is why they actually wanted to spend time with me in the first place because not once was I ever asked about anything in my life whatsoever. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Not a single instance during our entire time together did they try to get to know me better, which by the end of it left me not only feeling less than, but also wishing I had just stayed home. When I got dropped back off at my house, I still tried to give them a hug though, like I always do with everyone I spend time with, but it was meant with an uncomfortable response of how their Lexus wasn’t conducive for hugs. But there was a blessing in disguise through all this.

I was this person not too long ago. Back before I lost my bed and breakfast in 2010, when I easily could spend anywhere between $5k and $10k a month, that is exactly how I used to be, except I didn’t know it. I was completely oblivious to how I acted with my income I had then. While I was surrounded by a lot of people then, it was all superficial and I never cared much to go deeper with anyone I spent time with. That is unless there was something in it for me. Rarely did I care about how others were doing or how they were feeling. I had little to no empathy for anyone or anything, except for myself.

Money has a way of doing that to a person. It has a way of going to one’s head, which is no different than any other addiction frankly. With any addiction, the quest is always on getting more of that addiction and chasing after what it has done, can do, and will do for an individual. In this case, money can become the focus of one’s life where it’s used for ego, to flaunt upon others. And I know that all too well from how I once was, but thankfully, I live quite differently now, having been humbled through many losses over the past decade or so. This humility I’ve experienced has really helped me to realize the power that money once held over me. A power that left me mostly void of kindness, unconditional love, and a true empathy for the people God placed on my path.

So, in the end, having this lunch with this individual where my life became invisible to all their financial successes actually became a blessing in disguise, as it clearly reminded me of how far I’ve come on my spiritual journey. Because today, I care more about the lives and hearts of those I spend time with, wanting to know each of them more deeply, rather than living in my ego, where I was always focusing more on myself and what I had than anything else.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

If you are one of those who’s gone through a lot in life where much of what you’ve endured has left you scarred spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and maybe even physically, then maybe you might feel like I do, like you are damaged goods that no one wants.

I fight this feeling on many days over the last few years, where I really do feel like I am damaged goods at some store, on some shelf, on sale for some very low price, that most people just pass on by because it looks too tattered and torn. While that’s how I feel quite often in life these days, I continue to do my best to overcome it.

Truth is, I do have a lot of “scars” in my life that have led so many to avoid getting to know me because I’m not always that upbeat self like I once was. Having gone through what I have has definitely affected me incredibly and carrying as much physical pain as I do on most days, I struggle to be that beacon of sunshine that people like to gravitate towards to get to know. Thankfully, my partner Chris, a few dear friends, and my sister Laura overlook all this, and accept me as I am, something I’m so grateful for. Because on most days, I do feel more alone than not carrying the scars that I do.

I have watched over the years so many people drift in and out of my life due to these scars. Some have left as soon as they find out I’m a recovering alcoholic and addict, as they think they’ll be judged if they drink or do drugs or enjoy any other thing that I don’t do anymore due to former addictions. Others leave when they learn how troubled my past was with my parent’s tragic deaths or being molested by a coach, as it’s too intense for them to hear, usually due to shadows they haven’t faced within themselves yet. And lately, many seem to disappear from my life when they see the amount of physical and emotional pain I’m in. While they usually try to solve it at first for me, they tend to get frustrated when they can’t, blaming me somehow for the pain still being there, and then distancing themselves in the process.

All of this has left me quite tattered and torn, and feeling battered and tired. But there is One that I believe still sees me as beautiful as the day I was born into this life, that sees the good I continue to bring into this world as best as I can, and knows the caring and loving heart I still have, and that’s God. While many in this world may continue to see me with tainted and judgmental eyes, I believe that God sees me like no other.

While I don’t know exactly who or what God is, I know there is Something out there, up there, around me, and in me, that is beyond my understanding, that continues to give me just enough to keep going, to not give up, and is still willing to pay full price for this damaged good sitting on that store’s lonely sale shelf.

So, if you have ever felt like this, like you are damaged goods in this world, please take a moment, breathe, and know you aren’t alone. Know that God sees you far differently, as I do as well. God loves you unconditionally and so do I. While we may appear to be damaged goods to the rest of the world, know we will always be priceless in God’s eyes and heart.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

“There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the Twilight Zone.” That was the original beginning monologue for The Twilight Zone many eons ago, which sometimes I really relate to and feel lately like I’m living in an episode of it titled “The Pandemic”.

In this episode, we are all living in a world where the Covid-19 virus has truly changed the course of society forever, where life has become a total division of vaccinated versus unvaccinated individuals, where every thought, word, and action seems to surround this piece of information, including even being invited and subsequently uninvited to a Christmas party.

This year is the first year my partner Chris and I didn’t really have any solid Christmas Day plans to be away, to cook, or do anything specific. Tentatively, we and another friend were thinking about going to a local buffet, that was until I spoke with another friend who invited us to their annual Christmas Day feast, something we’ve been to before. Over the course of that invite process, I was asked if I was vaccinated or not, which of course I answered truthfully like I always do, and responded I wasn’t. This led to a long discourse back and forth, that ultimately ended with me being uninvited solely due to my vaccine status. Alone in my room after that conversation was me on my knees by my bedside, sobbing to God, asking why our world has become like this, especially during a time of the season when the true meaning is to share in unconditional love with each other.

As I continue to navigate through this very elongated episode of The Twilight Zone, remaining unvaccinated, not out of defiance, but more from fears over the many health complications I already have, I am left wondering how far this division will go. Several countries around the world already have locked unvaccinated individuals out of society, essentially barring them from going out at all and doing anything, with Germany being the latest to do so. Is it that far of a stretch to believe that all of us who remain unvaccinated for whatever our reasons, justified or not, will eventually be rounded up and forced to vaccinate or put into some sort of concentration camps where we are locked away from society?

I’ve had Covid, and a very bad case at that, one that almost landed me in the hospital, and it wasn’t fun. Yes, this is a serious virus and one that may be with us forever, something that I feel could play itself out so easily in an episode of The Twilight Zone. But I don’t believe this virus is still around in the way it is, as strong of a presence it still has, because of people like me. Yet, I continue to be the source of blame for many anyway, rounded into a group in society where hatred is directed more than anything.

I’m a child of God and I love ALL people, from ALL walks of society, and am a person that during this time of the season, would never…ever…consider banning anyone from coming to a Christmas get-together due to their vaccinate status. Because the meaning of this season for me is one of acceptance, inclusion, connection, and love. Isn’t that what the “Christ” in Christmas was supposed to be about?

Regardless, I really hope to wake up from this crazy episode of The Twilight Zone one day soon, where invitations to things like a Christmas party aren’t dependent on anything and are just freely given, where one’s vaccine status isn’t a factor in the acceptance for anything, and where the holidays themselves are back to focusing more on what the true meaning is meant to be, that being sharing unconditional love with others…vaccinated or not…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson