Category: Words To Live By

I’ve often made many mistakes in my life solely because I made a decision to rush into doing something. During each of those times I’ve either discovered that I actually wasn’t really ready for the action I took or that it was never meant for me to do it in the first place. A wise teacher of mine helped me to change this pattern though when she spoke four simple words to me one day, “When in doubt, don’t!”

It seems like such a simple phrase doesn’t it? But it really does has profound truth to it. There are so many examples of times in my life where I had great doubt about an action I was going to take. In each of them, I realize now that if I had just remained patient, my Higher Power could have given me the best course to take with that action. Unfortunately, I had the tendency to never listen to those feelings of doubt, which in many cases was my inner guidance system trying to tell me to be still for just a little while longer. Instead, I usually rushed into taking some action that my brain was telling me to do, often out of fear. The results were frequently quite unpleasant in my life like you’ll see in the following examples.

The first one that comes to mind occurred when I was newly sober around the age of twenty-three. I had just come out of the closet as well and was starting to deal with the fact that I was gay. Within a few short months, I had met someone and began dating him. There were many warning signs early on in this relationship that were giving me plenty of doubt. Some of them included the fact that I had discovered he had a drug problem, massive financial issues, and was extremely codependent. I failed to heed any of these red flags and ignored all those feelings of doubt by moving in with him a short while later. Looking back, I know the reason why I rushed into this action was because I too was codependent and didn’t want to be alone. Two years later, after two geographical moves, many arguments, and a significant loss of my own money, the relationship crashed and burned.

A second one that comes to mind where I had plenty of doubt surrounding an action occurred a bunch of years later after I had met another partner who was much healthier. This time I did wait patiently for around a year to see where the relationship would head, instead of racing to move in with him early on. The doubt came a few years into the relationship when he lost his job and approached me with the idea of wanting to do a complete career change. He said he wanted to own a bed and breakfast and be an innkeeper. I spent some time with him going to some seminars and checking out some B&B’s for sale but I knew inside it wasn’t for me. When he approached me and said he was going to become an innkeeper with or without me, I got scared of the idea of losing the relationship. So I ignored my doubt once again by selling my house and investing all proceeds into one of the bed and breakfasts we had visited. Four years later, after countless disagreements and rage fueled fights surrounding the operations of that business, our relationship ended. Even worse, three years after that, the business went completely under and was sold as a short-sale.

The last one I’d like to share where I rushed into an action occurred twice in recent years. In both cases, there were two separate individuals in my life who approached me for a personal loan within a short period of time from each other. Both made great cases for the money and how it was going to save their lives. If doubt actually had a noise associated to it, I would have probably heard something as loud as an oncoming train blowing its horn in each of those cases. But given the closeness I had to the both of these people, my fear got the best of me and I again ignored the doubt by loaning them the money anyway. One was for $5,000 while the other was for around $800. To this day, neither have paid me back their loans nor are they even in my life anymore on any level.

The pain, the hardship, and the struggles I went through that came from these three examples was enormous. Sadly, they are only the tip of the iceberg of the many times I had doubt surrounding various actions where I raced into doing them anyway out of some type of fear. Because of this, I am listening these days to what that wise teacher once told me. When I feel significant doubt surrounding any action now, I don’t do anything and instead wait for direction from my Higher Power.

Case in point, I’ve been with my current partner for almost two years now, but we have lived several states apart the entire time. While I could have made the jump and moved in with him over a year and a half ago, my doubt was front and center each time I approached the decision. Time and time again I prayed for direction where many in my shoes would probably have given up waiting around for the answer to come. I waited patiently though and the answer finally came a few weeks ago indicating it was time to make the move, which I’m now preparing for.

Waiting patiently and living through the doubt is definitely a tough thing to do, especially when fear is involved. I’ve been practicing this for awhile now and it’s getting a little easier the more I do it. I pay a lot more attention to those feelings of doubt when they arise these days surrounding some action I’m thinking about taking. Each time they do I pause, pray, and wait for the answer to come no matter how long it takes. The consequences of not doing so have often proved to be quite disastrous in my life and I know that’s not worth the risk anymore. So the next time you are facing an action and feel any type of doubt surrounding it, I encourage you to take your own moment, breathe, and try to remember the same four simple words that I do, “When in doubt, don’t!” Doing so might just end up saving you a lot of pain and frustration.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Now that Black Friday has come and gone for 2013, the holiday shopping season has officially begun. Many will spend much of the time between now and Christmas Day looking for those perfect gifts for their family members and loved ones to open in surprise and delight. Unfortunately, there are those who won’t be and instead will struggle with depression and being alone for most of the time, if not all of it. When Christmas Day arrives for them, the likelihood of them receiving a gift or being with anyone is slim to none. But sadly, this has the tendency to go unnoticed by those out there looking for those perfect gifts who aren’t so unfortunate in their lives.

For most of my life, I was one of those ignorant ones who didn’t realize how much of an abundance I really had. This was especially true during the Christmas season. While I had somewhat of a dysfunctional family because of their alcoholism, the holiday timeframe always seemed to be the one time of the year where we functioned so much healthier. We had traditions of decorating the family tree and house, we played a lot of games, we sang carols at our piano, and we spent a lot of time having fun shopping together as a family. But what I never thought about during any of that time was all those children (and adults) out there who would never have anything even remotely close to this.

So when Christmas Day arrived where it took my family over an hour to open up all the presents because there were so many, I wasn’t thinking about any of the homeless people, the people with no families, or those in shelters. When we stuffed our faces with the big turkey dinner my mother cooked with all its trimmings, I didn’t spend even a single second thinking about those who were starving out there and probably going the evening with nothing to eat. And I definitely didn’t put any thought to those who were in hospitals suffering from illnesses and diseases, or those who were trying to drown out their holiday sorrows through alcohol or drug addictions. In other words, I lived in a very safe bubble oblivious to just how good I had it compared to most. That ignorance carried forward into my adulthood until just a few years ago when I started really allowing my eyes to open up and embrace the pain that many will go through during the Christmas season. One of those things that has changed for me now because of this is being willing to donate things to those less fortunate.

If you have made any purchases so far during this holiday season, then I’m sure you’ve seen how retailers are asking if you would like to donate a book, some money, a toy, or a little food to those in need before your final total is rung up. Sometimes all that’s being asked is just a dollar or two in contribution, but so many say no thank you even when they have the ability to offer it. A few weeks ago I watched a woman in Barnes and Noble be asked if she would like to donate a children’s book for a kid in need this holiday season. Her response was that she had her hands full with her own child and donated enough of her money to them. Honestly, I can’t judge this woman because I was that woman for most of my life. For all the years I was sitting on a plentiful abundance of money, I made excuses to all those retailers who asked me if I wanted to donate something for those less fortunate. The excuse I had inside boiled down to one thing, selfishness. I was so completely selfish with my money and would spend it sometimes upwards of several thousand dollars during the holiday season with not a single penny of it going to a donation. Now, even with most of that money gone, I still donate from what is left of it each time I’m asked because I think about how I might be feeling in the shoes of those less fortunate going through the holiday season. There’s another side of donations as well that I’m open to now and it’s a little more personal than just adding some money to a total purchase at a retail store.

Something that my recovery world from addictions has taught me is that I can also donate my time. Throughout the holiday season, I always try to take some of my free time and go to shelters, detox centers, halfway houses, prisons, and hospitals to speak about my experience, strength, and hope to those still suffering from their addictions. Many of them will spend their entire holiday season in those places feeling despair and loneliness and the least I could do is try to show them my love. I also make sure to invite people out for social get togethers who I know are alone and don’t have any family or loved ones to spend their holiday season with. It’s not fun sitting in front of a television set throughout the entire holiday season and then spend Christmas day having Chinese food alone.

I know how simple it is to get caught up in the hustle and bustle during the Christmas holiday season. That’s what makes it so easy to forget about all those out there who will be spending it alone, or sick, or homeless, or starving, or in shelters. So I encourage all of you this year to spend it trying to reflect a little more on those less fortunate by offering either some of your money or time to those in need. And know in doing so that you’ll be helping to make this holiday season a whole lot brighter for those who might normally be spending it depressed or alone.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

I’m sure just about everyone on this planet has had someone screaming or yelling at them at some point or another in their lifetime. So it’s really not a question of whether one has gone through this or not, it’s more of a question on how one handles it when it happens. In other words, how much self-restraint do you you have when someone is standing in front of you spitting fire your way?

Self-restraint is really all about self-control and discipline and it can be applied to just about anything in life including when someone is sending their anger your way. Over time, I have learned there are several different paths I can take when a situation like this happens. Through trial and error though, I leave seen only one of them is the best for practicing healthy self-restraint.

For much of my life, I had no self-restraint with anything, especially when someone was sending their anger my way. The path I took quite frequently when that happened was to send my own anger right back. So if someone was screaming at me, I’d scream back, but even louder. If they were yelling at me, I’d yell back all the more. And so on and so forth. But I learned this path never made me feel any better each time I took it. Instead, I felt a hangover from the anger and rage I spewed out and even worse, it led me to carrying a resentment inside towards the other person even long after my temper calmed down. I believe this path would be considered the extreme opposite of practicing self-restraint because none of that was demonstrated in my actions.

Another path I took almost as much of the time when someone was sending anger my way was to endure it completely, take ownership of its cause even if I wasn’t at fault, and silently scorn the other person and myself later for it. This path’s origin began with how I dealt with my mother’s anger towards me. Later it moved into how I handled so many of the people I chased after or was obsessed with in my life on a sexual level when they got angry at me. While this path does show some level of self-restraint, it still was not a healthy one to take. That’s only because of the fact I always took full ownership of someone else’s anger even when I played no part in causing it. And the fact that this path carried a resentment for me towards both the other person and myself shows it wasn’t one that demonstrated a healthy self-restraint either.

Less often taken in my life when someone was sending anger my way is the path where I would walk away and take a time out from it until the other person could calm down and speak in a lower decibel. Doing this is definitely practicing a healthier form of self-restraint but it’s extremely difficult to do because the ego often doesn’t like to do it. Instead, it tries to convince the brain how wrong the other person is while being yelled at. And then it has often led into taking one of the other paths where there was little to no self-restraint. Also what proved to be extremely difficult in taking this path was that the anger frequently returned as soon as I was back in the same room as the other person. So while this path may be one based on more self-restraint, it had it’s downfalls.

The path least taken in my life and the one I believe holds the most self-restraint is the one where I have been able to maintain total silence during the entire time someone is yelling at me. But what’s different in this path is how I handled it after they stopped yelling. That’s when I’ve spoken to them in a completely calm voice and looked for any part I may have played in the situation. Upon finding any part I may have played in it, I ask for their forgiveness. But if I still believed I had no part in it, I would acknowledge their anger first and then I would tell them I was willing to mutually work on growing a healthier relationship with them. In most cases when I’ve followed this path, both parties involved generally emerged feeling much better and more calm. That is why I know this path carries the healthiest form of self-restraint. The following is the best example I have in my life for when I’ve practiced a similar form of healthy self-restraint.

Many years ago I ruined a surprise birthday party for a friend by accident because I had forgotten it was a surprise. I had called this friend prior to the party asking the time and location where she indicated she had no idea there was even a party being held for her. When I showed up later at the party, I immediately went to her and asked for her forgiveness where she responded that she wasn’t mad and was just happy I was there. But upon walking outside, the woman who had organized the party approached me and gave me a serious verbal lashing. There she spend several minutes yelling at me by saying how I had some nerve showing up at the party after ruining the surprise. Many others were watching this event take place but when she was done screaming, I could tell they were all taken aback by how I handled it. I calmly responded to her that it was definitely a mistake on my part and that I was sorry for ruining the surprise part of it. I then told her that I had already received forgiveness from my friend celebrating her birthday and that I hoped she could forgive me as well. She huffed and puffed a few times, couldn’t get a single word out, and then walked away as she knew her anger at that point, was only her anger to work through.

Today I am trying to do this a lot more and don’t get me wrong, it’s tough. Sometimes I fall back into my old patterns, and other times I have almost matched how I handled myself in that example. Either way, I can see my self-restraint is growing the more work I put into my spirituality and my relationship to my Higher Power.

Dealing with someone else’s anger with healthy self-restraint is a very difficult thing to do but I know it can be done. So the next time you find yourself in a situation where someone is throwing anger your way, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and try to remain completely silent until they stop yelling. When they are done, look within and see if you can find any cause for it. If you do, seek forgiveness from them and don’t ask them for the same as that’s for them to figure out. And if you still feel you have no part in the anger’s cause, tell the person you love them and are willing to work on developing a healthier relationship with them. You will probably find yourself feeling so much better by doing all of this and I can definitely promise you one thing in doing so. It will feel a whole lot better than if you decide to just yell and scream your way through it, or carry silent scorn and resentments later.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson