Category: Words To Live By

Recently I have been watching the reality television show The Voice on NBC. Normally in its past seasons, I haven’t been keen to tune into it because of two of its judges who I’m not a big fan of. With their hiatus in Season 4, I have enjoyed seeing it for the first time but have noticed something on it that has disturbed me enough to write about it. There have been many cases where each of its judges, who are also referred to as coaches, have said the words “You know I love you…” to a singer after one of their performances. What has struck me as odd when I hear them say those words, is that I’m not really feeling as if it’s coming from their heart.

The word “love” itself is defined in the dictionary as an intense and deep affection. I thought about that in The Voice’s coaches constant usage of it towards their singers. Could they really have that intense and deep affection towards one of them? Of course they could but I think what has got me pondering this is that I hear them say those words to just about every singer on every show. How this comes across to me is the same way I once used those words throughout my life.

In some cases, I once told people I loved them just because I believed it would make them feel better. In other cases, I would say them to those only in part due to knowing they wanted to hear me say it towards them. But in both cases, those words were rarely sincere because deep down inside I didn’t feel any deeply intense affection towards those people, or myself for that matter. As a result, I hurt many of them as my actions that followed spoke way louder than my use of those words.

I can’t truly say what the actions are of those judges on The Voice who are professing some level of love towards the singers beyond the few hours of programming that I am shown.  Is there greater bonding that is happening where the coaches grow close to these singers? Do they reach out and show these singers their love is more than just saying some words after a performance? And when one of those contestants is eliminated, do they stay in contact with them and continue to try to help them? I can’t answer any of those questions because the show doesn’t tell me. The only thing I can address is how I use that phrase now in my own life.

Where I once used it in a selfish or self-seeking way, God has helped me to use it for the right reasons now. I love myself so much more today and when I say those words to someone else, it’s because I truly mean them from every facet of my soul. So when l say them to a bunch of strangers at a detox I’m speaking at for my volunteer work with Alcoholics Anonymous, it’s because I want them all to know I’m there to help them in any way I can and will if I’m given the chance. When I say them to my sister or her children, it’s because I feel so much closer to them now and would do anything I could to support them. As for my partner, I probably say them to him the most. So when I say them to him at the end of phone calls, going to bed at night, or just because, I really just want to make sure there’s no doubt in his mind that I love him, because I really do.

The point I’m trying to make here is that I don’t want to use the words “I Love You” anymore just because of a hidden agenda or trying to make someone else feel better. That did nothing more than cause undue pain and hurt to those I said them to and myself as well. Because of a deeper relationship with God today though, that has changed greatly. I have been shown more and more how we are all connected to each other on a soul level. Because of that, I find I want to say those words a whole lot more today and actually, I have been. There is a difference though in my use of them now. That difference is that I know I really mean them.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

So often I have labeled things in my life as either good or bad. But I’m not so sure anymore that I should be labeling everything as so black or white. Yesterday I received some news that my old self would have classified as bad only. Normally, I would have allowed that news to consume me on a total negative level for the rest of the day, and possibly for many more days to follow. This time around though, I didn’t let it and chose to find the gray area instead.

That day started for me with my cell phone ringing. It was my Social Security Disability lawyer calling me. Twenty minutes later that phone call ended and I had to begin to digest the fact that the judge from my court hearing a few weeks ago had denied my case to receive disability benefits. After two long years of pursuing this which involved two prior denials, countless communications to practitioners to get letters about my status from them, writing a very in-depth personal testimony, a bunch of meetings with lawyers, and a whole heck of a lot of waiting and having to learn patience, I decided it was time to let my pursuit of this go and trust in God that there’s a greater plan for me coming.

I hear it all the time in my life that everything happens for a reason. I’ve even written about that very topic in previous blog entries. These last few years of enduring physical, mental, and emotional pain have been such a driving catalyst to continue pursuing Social Security Disability. But I am leaning in a new direction today that is more positive based then negative. I am trying to see the good in everything. And in this case, while I could appeal this judge’s decision and pursue it even further for a fourth go around, I am feeling that God is asking me to let it go instead and trust in Him that something good is still going to come out of this.

At the moment, I’m not exactly sure what that is, but I’ve decided to put it all on a more positive perspective anyway and create my own story as to why I was never approved. Maybe it’s because I still have some resources that are helping me to get by and I don’t need it as bad as some others might. Or better yet, maybe all of the pain I’ve been enduring for some time now that originally drove me to pursue this, is going to be lessening or ending in the near future. And maybe in that near future, I won’t be needing any financial assistance because I’ll finally be able to return to full time employment. Either way, I’ve experienced a lot of disappointing and tragic news in my life over the years from things such as this including my parents deaths, bad break-ups, job dismissals and losses, and more where each of which have always led to good things happening for me in the long run. And none of them could have occurred if those things I labeled as bad, had never happened to me in the first place.

So I have chosen since yesterday to look at this very differently as compared to how I once might have. I give credit to that being due to a deeper relationship and trust with God today. I truly believe that something good is still going to come out of this. While I don’t know exactly what that is or what my future holds now with this new bit of information, I’m sure it will be exactly as it’s meant to be, and probably even better than how it could have ever been if things had gone the way I thought they should have gone.

I realize now that the words “Good” and “Bad” are just black and white labels my ego wants to place on things way too often. Because of God, I’m am seeing now that there has always been a gray area to look at with anything that happens in my life, I just have to be open to seeing it.

 

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned in this lifetime came in a very hard way. It seems as if all the difficult lessons I’ve learned have come through some form of unbearable pain. Sometimes I wish that weren’t so, especially in the case of how I came to understand that it was best for me to always follow my own dreams and not anyone else’s.

Around this time ten years ago, I didn’t really have any dream that I was trying to follow. I was actively employed on a US Customs and Border Control contract as a Quality Assurance Engineer. While I may have been extremely bored and burnt out from the many years of computer based jobs I had worked at up until then, the truth was that I was quite stable financially and not really looking to change career paths any time soon. My then partner felt very differently. His company had just gone under and with that came a decision he made to head in a completely new direction for a career. He had always dreamed of owning his own business and after a few stays at various bed and breakfasts, he had decided that was the dream he wanted to pursue.

When he approached me with this new venture, I was less then enthused. I can honestly say that at that time, I had never, ever, thought about buying or running one of them. Bed and breakfasts were always just a nice reprieve for me to enjoy away from the busyness that motels and hotels had. After I accepted he was serious about this new undertaking, we began visit ones on the market for sale. With each B&B we visited, his dreams continued to develop while mine grew only more unclear. The last one we checked out was the 1848 Island Manor House located on Chincoteague Island off the Eastern Shore of Virginia. It was essentially in the middle of nowhere where the closest mall or movie theater was over an hour away. While it was love at first sight for him, I was skeptical but tried to keep an open mind. After an overnight stay, I received a pitch from him that I can only describe as what one might hear from one of those people working for a pyramid based company. He outlined a life he guaranteed I could have there, which anyone would probably find hard to refuse. He promised there would be a much closer relationship for us out there with lots of money flowing in. He insisted there would be plenty of time for relaxation on the beaches nearby. He talked of the many fun outings we could engage in if our home was there. He even said that having guests in our house would prove to be fun and alluring for the both of us.

While my intuition screamed no!, no!, no!, my brain responded exactly the opposite with yes!, yes!, yes! Within a few months we had sold my house and used that money as the down payment for the 1848 Island Manor House Bed and Breakfast. Six months later a descent into my own living hell began.

It started with the B&B’s existing owners not moving out at the time they were supposed to because of some contractual disagreements. This left my partner and I homeless for several months. He returned to his native home in Lexington, KY, while I rented a room for the first time in years not to far from my corporate job of which I was still employed in. At times there was doubt that the sale was ever going to pull fully through. For the longest time I reflected back on those days and wish it hadn’t. But it did and suddenly we were owners and official innkeepers of the Island Manor House. Over the next fifteen months, I commuted three hours every week on a Friday afternoon to the B&B and returned 48 hours later on a Sunday night back to where I was still renting because of my corporate job I remained employed at. During that time, while the mileage remained the same between my B&B and my rental, the distance grew more and more in my relationship. He began to fall in love with his new dream which was now a reality and out of love with me. Those quiet intimate moments he spoke of never came to fruition.  There was always something garnering his focus and attention and it was rarely if ever on me or our relationship. On top of that, the B&B was is disrepair and needed a lot of work. There seemed to be things always breaking. There were drafts throughout the whole house with its old windows. The roof was falling apart and leaking in several places every time it rained. Mattresses, towels, sheets and other amenities were grossly outdated and needed to be replaced. The list of repairs went on and on and eventually, I began to compare the home to that Tom Hanks movie titled The Money Pit. I dropped thousands and thousands of dollars and continued to wait for the promises to come true from that sales pitch I had once been given. After enough fights had ensued, I quit my corporate life and believed that maybe some of those promises would come true now that I was living there full time. They didn’t.

Over the next few years, intimacy in my relationship dwindled down to next to nothing. It was rare that we ever even got to the beach to enjoy it. Guests consistently took a higher priority for him as compared to the love we had once shared so deeply together. I felt plastic and fake on some level every day I stepped out of my room and into the hallways of that B&B where I had to place a smile on my face and pretend everything was a-OK. When my mother died, I left for awhile to handle those affairs and upon returning, I received next to no compassion or support for the grieving that I was still going through. After four more years of going through this hell, that relationship ended and I moved up North to the Boston area. Three years later, the B&B went under and was sold off as a short sale with me walking away with only the shirt left on my back.

It took me a long time to heal from what had happened. I had so much anger and resentments for years surrounding it. Through a deeper relationship with God, I received that healing. Through that healing, I found love, forgiveness, and peace for that B&B, that ex-partner, and even myself for not listening to my intuition when it had clearly stated to stay away from that career path. I sat down with that ex-partner not too long after and made my amends with him for the things I did which had caused some of the chaos we had gone through. Sadly, he chose to remain resentful and has continued to this day to blame me solely for its demise. I’m not angry anymore about any of it and I’m extremely grateful to God because of that. But the biggest thing I have gratitude to God with over this experience is the lesson I learned from it. I encourage everyone today to know that following someone else’s dream can have disastrous results if its not truly their own. The good thing for me today though is that I actually have my own dreams now. Some of them are even coming true as I write this, and thankfully, none of them have anything to do with anyone else’s.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson