Category: Words To Live By

Long distance relationships can be challenging. But I am convinced that if the two people are willing to go the extra mile, it can work. And I’m also convinced that sometimes having a long distance relationship is a good thing and probably God’s will for the time being.

My partner and I met online in 2011. He found my personal ad and responded at first by an e-mail. Initially I kept him at bay and talked solely on the internet through instant messages. My success rate with the people I met online was quite poor so I was hesitant to let him in any further. But in a very short time of communication, I began to notice major differences with him. He was genuine, honest, and open on every level of his life. He wasn’t controlling, demeaning, demanding, or abrasive on any level. He wasn’t angry, bitter, or self-piteous with the world. And he was really interested in me just as I was and not for who he wanted me to be. In other words, he was happy with me just being myself. So I took the next step and began talking face to face on Skype. And then eventually, after several months, we met and spent a few weeks together getting to know one another in person. And that’s when the real challenges began.

At first I asked myself how was this really going to work. I asked myself how often could I really get together in person. I asked myself if talking everyday would really be enough when we weren’t together. I even asked myself how long would I be able to have a long distance relationship before I would want one of us to move in with the other. And what I found is that by placing God first in my life, all of these questions would answer themselves on their own.

I know my partner and I ask God to be at the center of our relationship. I personally don’t believe any relationship can sustain longevity without that. It seems that things just happen as they are supposed to now with us. There’s not a day that goes by where we don’t talk through texting, instant messages, phone calls, or Skype and we make it a point to see each other every 30 to 40 days or so. We split the cost of the travel expenses and we both continue to work on our spiritual growth while we spend time apart.

It will soon be one year that we’ll have been together and although we currently live more than several hundred miles away, our relationship continues to grow closer every single day. I’ve had several previous attempts at long distance relationships. One where the other person lived far enough away that I could only see him on weekends and another that actually lived oversees where I only got to see him a few times during the year. Both of them failed. Neither of them had myself nor my partner asking God to guide the relationship. Instead, self-will and selfishness guided them.

Many gay relationships, especially long distance ones, are not monogamous. I’m sure there are many reasons why people in them allow that to happen. In my case, my partner and I are completely monogamous. Having God at the center of our lives, we are convinced that God wants us to share our love here on Earth with only each other, even while we are apart for so many weeks. Ironically, we find our love grows for each other while we are apart. And, in all honesty, I practice celibacy on all levels during those times as I have found this enhances my love for him even more.

It’s one of my deepest beliefs now that true love can overcome any challenge that may arise. In my case, it’s the mileage that’s the main obstacle. With modern technology, saving money, dedication to the relationship whether we are together or apart, and asking God to guide us every single day, we continue to find our love growing stronger.

On some level, at least for the present moments in my life, I think God wants me to be in a long distance relationship. In every one of my former relationships, I had the feeling that I couldn’t exist without them and they couldn’t exist without me. Life was so depressing when I wasn’t with them . Today I know that’s not real unconditional love. That’s codependent toxicity. It’s possible that if my partner had been in the same region as me, I might have fallen right back into one of those same relationships all over again. Instead I’ve been forced to work on me when we’re not together. I’ve learn how to have a relationship with myself. Most importantly, I’ve learned how to love being with just me.

People say that God always knows what’s best for each of us. Well I am finding that to be true with my current relationship. I love my partner deeply and I love myself just the same. I enjoy my time apart as much as I enjoy my time with him. At some point I’m sure we will be living together. Until that time happens, I know that as long as we both continue to put God first and as long as we both are willing to go that extra mile each and every day, that we’ll be able to continue to sustain whatever hurdles that are put in front of us.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

I grew up in a family that played a lot of games. Card games, board games, sports games, gambling, and a lot of the similar were the norm for us. Of course I didn’t gamble as a kid but my father did. My family loved playing a card game named Euchre. My mother was quite good at another game called Bridge. My father was incredible at the sport of Racquetball. I held my own on my original Atari game system and both my sister and I excelled in swimming.

And all of us were extremely competitive…and all of us were not at our best when we lost.

Why is it that it’s so hard to lose or come in 2nd or 3rd or 4th or even last in something one is competitive in?

I have been asking myself this a lot lately.

Last night I was playing cards with my partner’s family. Once in a while I’ll play Poker with them. I’m not a fan of gambling and don’t make it a habit of betting money on anything in my life. But occasionally, I’ll take $10 and play in a nickel, dime, and quarter family style poker night where the most that can be lost is that $10. But last night, I didn’t have much fun at all when I was playing cards. Why? I believe it’s because I was losing. Out of the six of us that played, I was next to last place.

In the type of Poker that they play, it’s dealer’s choice on what style to play and “ante” or money to start the betting with with when the deal is in front of a person. So those factors can change with each deal. A game was chosen and the initial ante was set at $1.00, which for a low stakes game seemed too high for me. I tried to bow out and just pass until the next round. I wasn’t allowed to. I was told that if I didn’t play that round I would have to sit out the rest of the night. Needless to say, the lower vibration in me came out and I started to pout. I then began to purposely over bet, under bet, and complain about everything, which led to one of the players bowing out from playing for the rest of the night. When I came home at the end of the evening I had lost $7 out of the $10 but had lost something more precious than any dollar can make up for….a sense of peace within me and a heart filled with love and light.

As I kid, I saw my mother and father fight during games. I saw my father take his cards, rip them up and throw them. I saw his parents and her parents do similar actions. I saw myself take the controllers of my games systems and throw them at the television. I could go on. I’m 40 years now and I don’t want to be a sore loser. I’m trying to get to the root of it now. It’s not just with games and competition. It’s with everything. Sure if feels great to be at the top of anything. But what happens when I’m at the top. I worry about staying at the top. I worry about it being stolen away. I worry about losing my place in life where I think I’m somebody and not a nobody.

I’m beginning to realize it’s all an illusion that I’ve induced on myself. If I had won $20 last night, would my life have been that much better? Probably not. But if I had even lost $1 and came home with $9 would I have been upset? Probably. I believe much of this, if not all of it, stems back to when I was very young.

I was alone for most of my childhood. I was the kid that was at the front of the class being picked on. I was the kid that was bullied. I was the kid no one really knew my name other than for the awful nicknames that I was labeled with. I was the kid that couldn’t even go to my parents and talk about how I really felt inside….alone.

Being competitive in anything I did and then winning made me feel important. It made me feel like I was somebody. Having a moment or two of glory made me feel like I was something special in this world when I didn’t feel special for most everything else. Unfortunately, it becomes an obsession in its own way. If I win, life is grand. If I lose, life sucks. It’s a constant roller coaster. Almost similar to how my alcohol and drug addiction was. Pretty comparable to how my life was in any sex and love addiction issues I faced. Trying to be first in everything I did heaves me into a never ending up and down battle within myself.

I wasn’t proud of my moments last night. I haven’t been that way in a long time. But as my Shaman friend informed me, it surfaced for a reason. To be a spiritual healer and helper of others in my near future, I want to be free from behaviors like that. I don’t think the answer is to not just play games anymore. I believe the answer is in knowing deep within myself that regardless of whether I win or lose, that I’m still a good person, important to God, and that everything in my life is still ok.

The last three years of my life have been such a challenge with the chronic physical pain issues I’ve faced in my cleansing process. Being limited on what I can do, it has exacerbated this competitive side of me when I’m playing a game. When I end up winning at something, I feel that maybe all my pain and limitations in my life aren’t so bad. When I end up losing, like last night, it’s as if all of my life sucks and my chronic pain is the end of the world. And last night, it felt that way.

I’d love to have a hopeful upswing, with a grandiose idea of how to work through this for anyone who may be reading this. At the moment I don’t. What I can say is that I am praying about it. I want to be ok with coming in last. I want to be ok with losing. I don’t want it to matter if I come in 2nd. And I’ve asked God to guide me there. For now that’s my solution.

As I continue to heal from past transgressions in this life and in previous lives, I am convinced the more I will feel at peace within myself. And it’s my hope that the more I feel at peace within myself, the more I will be ok no matter what place I finish in anything that I do.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

For once I must say I’m grateful that I’m missing one of the largest snowstorms in the history of the New England area.

Currently several states away and out of the storms reach, I have been watching the news report on how the snow has impacted everything so far. All the states in the region have declared emergencies, power is out for hundreds of thousands of people, a mandatory order has been made to stay off the roads, and people are doing their best to occupy themselves in their homes while the snow drops up to five inches per hour in some places.

My home currently resides in Weymouth, MA where the expected snowfall total will be between 2 and 3 feet once the storm is completely over. I’ve already spoken to my roommate several times and he continues to remove vast amounts of snow from the driveway hourly.

Growing up in Poughkeepsie, New York, I have seen my share of pretty incredible snowstorms. One of my earliest childhood memories is of the snow being so deep that I was able to build a tunnel system throughout the front yard. When I went to college upstate many years later in Rochester, snow was a daily occurrence from late October to late April. Seeing snow on the ground and even watching storms drop several feet of snow over the course of several days didn’t really phase anyone. But there was one storm that I remember so vividly. Over the course of 24 hours, several feet of snow dropped onto the northern city just like the one happening right now in the New England area. Rochester normally being prepared for any level of snow couldn’t keep up with the rate of descent, and everything shut down for about a day after, including my college which hadn’t cancelled classes on any given day for more than several decades. I spent the evening having a party and the next day swimming at the local hotel’s pool on campus nearby.

In 1995, I decided to leave the north and move to warmer climates and less volatile winters. I lived in Fairfax, VA which was a city just outside of Washington, DC. Ironically, in my first winter there, an unprecedented snowstorm hit that paralyzed the city and closed down the government and all corporations for just about three days. Funny enough, I had just come back from a college visit to Rochester. Go figure.

Since living in the New England area, there were a few storms here and there that were bothersome but nothing that prevented me from going anywhere. Two years ago in the winter of 2010, 82 inches of snow dropped throughout the season reminding me of my college years when that was the norm.

So I have to chuckle in that here I sit with temperatures above freezing, on a completely dry driveway with no snow in the forecast. For once I’m grateful to be nowhere’s near a storm like that. While I find the snow mesmerizing and tranquil, I’m happy to say that I won’t be straining my back shoveling it this time and I pray for all those that will.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson