Category: Words To Live By

Do you often wonder lately during these COVID times if things will ever get back to normal? Or at least to what “normal” was for us prior to this pandemic? I found myself pondering exactly that as I put on a mask tonight just to walk into a restaurant and totally fogged up my sunglasses to the point where I almost walked into a wall.

Life feels so very surreal right now in this world. Summer is almost over and I don’t feel like I’ve even really had one yet. It’s pretty much been staying close to home with the occasional going out to dinner or playing a game of mini golf.

Typically, by this point, I’d already have taken a vacation somewhere for at least a few days with my partner, been to the movie theater countless times, visited Cedar Point at least once (the local amusement park), splashed around in some water park, gone to a professional sporting event like NASCAR or MLB, had a visit from my sister, or travelled to see her in South Carolina, and much more.

As I thought about all this, the waitress arrived at our table and took our drink order speaking through her own facemask, which I honestly had trouble hearing and continue to struggle with quite a bit when others speak through their own masks. I blame that on all that loud music I once listened to constantly in my car years and years ago.

Nevertheless, I sat there and pondered this COVID life, I began to wonder if we were going to become a facemask-based society, even after a successful vaccine has long been circulated? I began to wonder if people will eventually handshake and hug each other again? I began to wonder if our world is going to be filled with far more hypochondriacs and germaphobes than ever before when this virus has long been gone? I began to wonder how many alcoholics and addicts will emerge out of all this? And even found myself wondering how people will act towards each other in general when the pandemic is over, especially when vaccinated people meet unvaccinated people? Will they be amicable towards each other or criticize each other? Will the world require vaccination cards? On and so on my brain fired question after question until I exhausted myself in all that heady thinking.

I honestly have far more questions about the future that lies ahead and sincerely find myself hoping things are far better than the pessimism my mind continues to try to create out of fear from all this unknown. All I know is that I must keep on being myself, now, and in the time to come. Loving everyone unconditionally. Treating everyone equally. Accepting others for who they are, even if their choices are different than my own. And taking it one day at a time of course, like my 12 Step program of recovery taught me long ago.

While the future may look quite bleak at times to me and while it may appear life will never return to any type of normalcy any time soon, I choose to place all my fears of it and my trust to successfully navigate beyond it with God, knowing I’ve made it this far in such a crazy life because of Him.

Long before COVID-19 ever struck, my life was filled with constant upheaval, pain, hardship, and struggle, yet God guided me through it all magnificently. So, regardless of whatever happens in the future, I know I’ll make it through, because God has helped steer me positively through everything else thus far and I know will continue to do so far beyond this pandemic, all the way up to the day I draw my very last breath.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

I tend to believe our Higher Selves, that Spirit within us, our intuition, or whatever you wish to refer to as that part of us that’s connected to a oneness with everyone and everything, occasionally provides us signs and warnings from time to time, so long as we allow ourselves to pay attention to them. But sadly, many of us far too often tend to ignore them and instead blast head first into some action that only ends up causing us great pain and hardship, like it did for me one evening just recently when I chose to ignore a number of them that came my way, one after another.

It all started with me having an off day where I felt somewhat angrily cocked inside during most of it, mainly towards my ongoing frustrations with God, my partner, and my health. But ultimately, I was really just feeling self-piteous about what I didn’t have, instead of focusing on some gratitude from what I did have. Because of it, I decided it’d be a great night to go out and blow off some steam by taking a drive in my little sports car I keep in storage more than not, that being my 1998 Acura Integra Type R. I rarely drive the thing and have kept it mostly as a reminder of a life I was once lived in almost total ego. The car itself honestly could be used on a set from one of those Fast and the Furious movies.

Nevertheless, I kept hearing this voice within me that night saying, “I don’t think it’s a good idea you take the car out tonight.” Yet, I rationalized over and over again telling myself that I just needed to clear my head a little and how taking that vehicle out for a night drive would be an absolute perfect remedy, especially since I hadn’t driven the thing in four months at that point, let alone even start it up.

So, just prior to me starting its engine, my phone rang. It was a good friend of mine, Jason, who wanted to talk about a big action he had just taken, one that was a huge leap for him in a very positive direction. At that moment, I heard that voice again tell me, “Why don’t you stay home and chat with your friend instead, as he probably needs a shoulder to lean on right now.” But, I chose to ignore it once more by quickly congratulating him on his accomplishment, and then saying I couldn’t talk because I needed my hands free for the drive I was about to take in my shift-based vehicle.

After I hung up, I started the car and immediately noticed my LED interior lights weren’t working. Yes, I actually have an LED interior light system, which admitting seems so very superficial to me right now! Regardless, I tried to find the source of the problem for a good fifteen minutes, further delaying my drive. That’s when I heard that voice yet again say, “Stay home! You’re not meant to go out tonight.” But, I kept right on ignoring it by leaving anyway and heading out onto the highway shortly thereafter, driving somewhat carelessly. Over and over and over again, I kept hearing that voice somewhere within me saying, “Just turn around and go home.” Looking back, I’m kicking myself now why I didn’t.

Simple answer.

Ego.

Twenty minutes later, I decided it’d be pretty cool to stop and get something to drink at a gas station just off an exit. I really didn’t need one, as I wasn’t that thirsty, but truth be told, I just wanted to stop in the hopes of garnering a little attention, especially when the Lamborghini-based doors open up on my car. Yes, I did say Lamborghini-based doors, which admitting, further makes me sound so very superficial.

Yup, more ego.

At that point, that voice within me was almost screaming to go home. That was my final warning that I recklessly chose to ignore, as I drove off the highway and into the nearest gas station. After satisfying my ego, I zoomed back into the ramp leading onto the highway. Not really paying attention as much as I should have been, suddenly, my left front tire hit the center median, causing my car to jackknife onto it, like I was a rollercoaster on a track. Sitting as low as it does, my vehicle became completely wrecked underneath as I tried to steer off of it without flipping. I jerked the wheel to the right, causing the left wheel’s rim to somehow essentially disintegrate, which then lurched my car straight across the road on nothing but metal, landing me half in the breakdown area on that entrance ramp.

It’s honestly a miracle my car didn’t flip, and even more so that there wasn’t a single car in sight on either the on ramp or the off ramp when any of this happened. Somehow, I think God had something to do with both, just as much as I think my Higher Self had given me ample signs and warnings that could have prevented the whole thing.

It was a hard lesson to learn, which probably will end up costing about $10k to repair when all is said and done. Thank goodness for insurance, but more so, thank goodness that I, nor anyone else, got hurt. Well, let me adjust that statement slightly. One thing actually did get hurt…or bruised shall I say.

My ego. 

Because, at the source of why any of us tend to avoid listening to those signs and warnings that occasionally come from our Higher Selves, our Spirit, our intuition, or from whatever connects us to a oneness with everyone and everything, is simply our egos. And it’s quite obvious I still have a lot of work to do around mine.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

For the longest time in my life, I didn’t know what my language of love was. To be more clear what that is, I didn’t know how to express my love to a partner. Instead, I typically focused more on my own needs than theirs. I usually struggled to offer intimacy in non-sexual ways such as cuddling, kissing, and holding hands. And I often forgot on a regular basis to show them they mattered in those little special ways, like leaving a small love note in a hidden place to be eventually happily discovered by them. The only time this ever changed was when I was in the “doghouse” and trying to get out of it, or when I had an agenda behind offering it.

After many years of pain and suffering and choosing to turn my will and life over to the care of God, that completely changed. It was only then did I begin to learn a new language of love. It was then my heart gained the desire to be more of a giver and think of the needs of my partner more than my own. It was then I found the natural drive to regularly offer intimacy on every level. And, it was then I began to truly enjoy showing my partner at least once every day in a unique way how much they mattered to me. Now, I’ve been on the other side of the coin for the past few years though, as the Universe has been teaching me what it feels like to be on the receiving end of someone who isn’t in touch with their language of love. And honestly, it’s been extremely frustrating and led to much loneliness and emptiness.

While I do feel my partner loves me, he’s often struggled to provide daily moments of intimacy or special tokens that say I really matter to him, two things I truly desire in a relationship. Much of that is specifically because he never learned that language of love in his younger years, just like I didn’t. We both came from families that didn’t teach us those type of things. Instead we learned various dysfunctional forms of love that were usually quite conditional-based and ones that carried into our adulthood. Until I went through several years of utter pain and suffering that led to me seeking a closer relationship and help from God did any of this change for me.

My partner is still on his path of self-discovery to learn what his language of love is. While there have been some moments where his has been similar to my own, we’ve joked that it often feels like we’re on completely different flights and carriers, instead of being on the same flight and in nearby rows like a healthy couple tends to be. Unfortunately, the love language he’s developed thus far is one that’s left me feeling more alone and that I don’t matter, because it’s one that doesn’t involve much closeness, touch, or special signs of his love. His love language is one that involves holding the fort down, like paying the bills, keeping food on the table, and basically making sure there’s a roof over our head. While each of those are important, they don’t fulfill a huge part of why I’m in a relationship in the first place.

All of this has led to me most recently asking myself questions that I honestly don’t want to be asking because it brings up fear. Maybe his language of love will never mirror my own? Maybe intimacy and closeness and day-to-day random acts of love are never going to be his thing? Maybe his language of love and my language of love are better suited for others out there who mirror more of what our is and may always be. These are questions I wrestle with quite a bit as of late.

I love my partner, truly I do. But as I continue to battle chronic pain and wait upon God for further guidance and ultimately relief that may or may not ever come (although I maintain the faith that it eventually will), I absolutely desire and need closeness, intimacy, and to feel special with whom I’m monogamously tied to. Whether my partner will ever be able to provide that I don’t know, but I can’t fault him for that if he never does, because all of our love languages are unique to each and every one of us. Thankfully, now I know at least what my prior relationships must have felt when I didn’t know what my own language of love was or even how to express it.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson