Category: Words To Live By

I wanted to impart some final thoughts about my recent visit to my hometown, Poughkeepsie, New York, chiefly in reference to the fact that I just learned that next year will be the 30^threunion of my class of 1990 at Arlington High School.

Overall, I don’t have many fond memories of my high school years in my hometown, save the exception of my senior year, which only came after I put myself through a radical change in my dress attire, my overall style, my hairdo, abruptly quitting the swim team, and then immediately joining basketball intramurals. Even in light of that, I still wanted to show my partner Chris where I spent my schooling between the ages of 14 to 18 because it was a formative part of my younger years.

Honestly, it’s hard to fathom that it’s been almost 30 years now since I last walked through the doors of Arlington High School. While my senior year was far different than all of my prior years of grammar school, notably because of that chameleon-like transformation and also because it’s when I started to pick up heavy drinking, the likelihood is that you won’t find me attending my 30^threunion. Why that is, well, it’s more than you probably think.

Of course, first and foremost, is what I already said, that I really was a nobody in high school, at least in reference to others throughout most of those years. There isn’t a single person today that I have any regular contact with from high school. Sure, there are those I’m friended to on Facebook, but beyond that, I just have no deeper connection to anyone anymore from those days.

A second reason why I wouldn’t attend is that I did attend my 20^th, only to stay for about an hour and feel the entire time just like I did throughout most of my grammar school years, that being invisible. I still saw those who were once considered “cool” hanging with each other, and those who fit more into the class I once did, the “geeks, nerds, etc.”, be off by themselves. I still tried to mingle and carry on conversation anyway, but I just couldn’t relate, which brings me to my 3^rdreason.

Not being employed, dealing with health issues, and my only point of interest in my life is my writing and speaking in my recovery world from addiction, doesn’t make for much good conversation at functions like this. The first question anyone seems to ask at a reunion beyond where you might be living now is what you do for a living. Sometimes I think it’s all an ego show at events like this, where people want to feel better about themselves, especially if they have gone on to do things they perceive are great.

Last, but not least, is the notion that frankly, it’s just too painful to be back in my hometown period. I realized that pretty quickly during my recent trip there and opted to leave a day early because of it. It’s not that I have any unresolved traumas or anything of the sort there. It’s simply that the Poughkeepsie vicinity itself reminds me constantly of painful times. I think that if I was to ever return there again it would only be if my sister decides to go for one last visit herself, as I’d like to create some closure with her. Our last visit there together was to deal with my mother’s passing and truthfully, I was a total mess who acted out terribly in addiction during it, and made her life a living hell.

So yes, I probably won’t be attending my 30^thhigh school reunion, nor heading back to Poughkeepsie, New York, any time soon. Yet, nevertheless, I’m still thankful that I had this recent trip there to share a little more of my past life with Chris, who really did appreciate and get to understand me much better because of it!

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

For those who purposely moved far away from their hometown long ago, you may understand the subject of today’s entry. I grew up in Poughkeepsie, NY, and ever since my mother passed in 2005, I have only returned once, for a high school reunion in 2010, that is until I decided a few months ago that I wanted to share some of my childhood roots with my partner Chris. While I do have a Grateful Heart Monday entry coming up about this travel experience, I decided I wanted to share a little about the difficulty of me returning to the place where I grew up.

The main reason why I haven’t been back to Poughkeepsie in so long is simply for the fact that it holds so many difficult memories. My father’s heavy bouts of depression that eventually led to his suicide, my mother’s descent into alcoholism that ultimately led to her tragic fall down the stairs, being bullied throughout my grammar school years, getting molested by a coach on one of my swim teams, each happened in the small confines of a town that I spent 18 years of my life in. Also, given that I don’t have any family or close friends left in my hometown, I’m sure you can understand why my visits to Poughkeepsie have been pretty much nonexistent over the past decade and a half. Even so, I truly felt it was important to share some of my childhood roots with Chris, especially in light of how long we’ve been together now and the fact that we’re planning on actually getting married soon.

Nevertheless, I arrived late at night in my hometown the day before Independence Day with some excitement and apprehension being felt at the same time. Excitement for seeing Chris’s reactions to all the things I grew up with and apprehension for all those difficult memories that immediately began flooding in as well.

Probably the most difficult thing I experienced during this trip was driving into my old neighborhood and seeing the home I grew up in again. My last time in that home was in dealing with my mother’s passing, which included cleaning the blood up from the bottom of the stairs after she died. The sadness I felt there as I showed the house to Chris was quite deep. But, maybe just as challenging to see again were all the old-fashioned diners and this one dessert café my father and I used to frequent. I have many fond memories of our times together at each of them.

In the end, I realized just how much I still miss my parents. I know it’s been almost 15 years since my mother passed and about 23 years since my father died, and even though I’ve processed through all of the grief from their deaths long ago, I found myself missing them more than not for the majority of my time there. And well, I guess I should mention as well the one other reason why I found it so difficult being home and it deals with how I dealt with all the family drama growing up.

During my younger years, before I ever succumbed to addictions, I found a great escape in engaging in a lot of physical sporting activities. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to do any of them in a very long time due to health issues. Being back home and seeing all the basketball and tennis courts I used to play on, and the many mountain ranges I used to hike around, was rather saddening. In all honesty, it’s these activities I miss the most in life, as they often brought me closer to feeling the presence of my Higher Power.

Regardless, although we chose to depart Poughkeepsie a day early, I’m still thankful I was able to share my hometown with Chris, as he now can picture all the things I’ve talked about from my childhood since the day we met. Whether I ever return there in the future or not remains to be seen, but at least for now, I’ve most definitely had my fill of reliving childhood memories that’s for sure…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

PS – My sincerest apologies to any of those I’m friends with on Facebook who still live in the Poughkeepsie area for my not reaching out during the few days I visited. Chris asked that it be only us connecting on this trip and I wanted to honor that! 🙂

Spending time alone used to be a really big problem for me. That was especially true on past birthdays, where I always found the need to surround myself with others for the majority of the day, mostly because I was so dependent on others to make myself feel better. This year’s birthday was certainly different though and showed how much I’ve grown, of which I’m truly thankful for.

Four days ago, when I actually celebrated my most recent birthday, my 47^th, I woke up that day with not a single plan, other than to see my therapist for one of our weekly appointments. I had no lunch plans. No dinner plans. Nothing really, which in the past would have bothered me immensely because my ego would have attempted to convince me that no one loved or cared about me. Today, I know that’s a lie, because my self-esteem comes from within, not externally.

Although I still struggle for external approval at times, I decided it was important to spend this year’s birthday just chilling at home for the bulk of it, during which I soaked up the sun, did some gardening and cleaning up of the yard, watched plenty of cotton from the cotton trees lazily drift from the sky onto the ground all around me, and even spent a good portion of the day cleaning up the house. By the time my once a year special day ended, I had only spent approximately 2 hours of it with others, where the rest was spent making the best of my own company. And you know what? I actually found it more refreshing, peaceful, and relaxing then many of past birthdays where I was so preoccupied with activities with others. Activities that usually encompassed a lunch and dinner out with different sets of friends.

This year though, my special lunch was honestly nothing more than a good cup of Strawberry yogurt with dark chocolate granola. My dinner was a Big Mac and fries if you can believe it, something I did just to honor the little kid in me who used to love eating that growing up. And my dessert? Well it wasn’t a piece of cake with a candle in it with people singing happy birthday. Rather it was redeeming my free birthday drink from Starbucks that ended up being a Venti Decaf Quad Soy Mocha with two shots of Toffee Nut Syrup. And you know what? It was freaking fantastic!

All in all, I had a great day, which is kind of shocking to think about, seeing how I spent so very little of it doing any major activity. But lately, I’m beginning to realize, that some of the best moments in life often come when I’m by myself, in more stillness than not, as it’s in those moments I truly come to appreciate my life and my Higher Power as well.

So, while I did receive several hundred Happy Birthday messages from friends and loved ones that I’m very thankful for, I think the best birthday gift I received this year was ultimately taking the time to show myself that I didn’t need anyone else to make my special day special, as being with me and God alone made it special enough!

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson