Category: Words To Live By

You know what’s often a common misbelief in a committed relationship for at least one partner? That if only their other half would just change “that one thing” about themselves, that all would be well. But, you know what? The problem isn’t with their other half at all, it’s with themselves.

I should know, as I used to jump from relationship to relationship to relationship because of constantly buying into that misbelief. Truth be told, a psychic once told someone I used to date and am now close friends with, that I was like that person who enjoys trying on a different pair of shoes on a regular basis, which up until six years ago, was totally spot on.

Every time I ever faced something in a relationship that really bothered me with the person I was dating, I’d try to control the situation by constantly pushing for them to change that aspect about themselves I didn’t like. I was always 100% convinced that if they just fixed “that one thing” I didn’t like, that our relationship would be golden. But, even if they did end up changing that aspect of themselves that bothered me, another one would always pop up just behind it. And if they didn’t change it? Well, I’d simply end up facing the same situation at some point down the road with someone else I left them for.

The fact is, the problem was never with any of the people I dated whatsoever, it was with me. Rather, it was within me. To be even more specific, it was in relation to a spiritual imbalance going on within me that I was totally unaware of. And because I was totally unaware of that spiritual imbalance, I frequently found myself getting angry at those I was dating, over some aspect of themselves that I generally projected as the source of all my pain and discomfort.

Regrettably, for as much as I thought I fully rectified this part of myself a number of years ago, I’ve seen it coming back to life again over the past year or so, during a period where I’ve struggled to feel the presence, grace, and comfort of God. Now, I find myself doing the same behavior all over again that I used to do in each of my previous relationships. That being me growing irritated at my partner over one or more aspects of himself that my ego keeps attempting to convince me is the source of all my agony in life. Yet I know it’s not.

I know the source of all my agony isn’t because my partner struggles to show non-sexual forms of intimacy, i.e. cuddling, kissing, holding hands, etc.

I also know the source of all my agony isn’t because my partner struggles lately to see the positive more than the negative.

And I know the source of all my agony isn’t due to my partner’s struggles with his weight issues either.

The reality is that he could fix each of these things and my ego would still find something else to point out as the problem, because the last thing it wants to admit is the problem is actually me.

But don’t get me wrong, I’d love to see my partner still change these aspects of himself one day, as I’m sure anyone probably would if their other half was struggling with them. Yet regardless of whether he ever does or doesn’t, he’s still a pretty amazing guy with a pretty amazing heart of gold and someone who isn’t ultimately the source of all that emptiness and loneliness I feel within.

I know the source of that is God, or rather, the lack of me feeling God’s presence no matter what I try to do to feel it. So, as I continue to sit in all this emptiness and loneliness, I have to battle my ego every day by doing my best to offer unconditional love and light to my partner, no matter what it tries to convince me of. Unfortunately, I’ve failed many times over with this, especially in the past year or so, where I’ve often gotten caught up in arguments over one or all of these aspects of himself that my ego is bothered by. Thankfully though, I continue to find my way back to the truth again and again by continuing to remind myself of something I already learned many years ago. That being that the solution to all my pain and discomfort isn’t in my partner changing anything about himself at all, nor is it in me leaving this relationship to find someone else to be with.

Rather, the solution is to keep working on myself, on ridding myself of ego and unwanted character defects, and maintaining a level of trust and faith that God hasn’t left me, even if I can’t feel Him right now. I find that the more I stick to this, the more I see my partner through eyes of unconditional love and light, and the less I see him through eyes that buy into the misbelief that he needs to change “that one thing” or anything for that matter for all to be well…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Are you a people-pleaser? Do you often do things hoping it makes other people happy, only to become miserable in the process? While I’ve worked hard to remove much of that side of me, I discovered the other day I still have some work to do surrounding it. How I discovered this, was unfortunately only after the fact, after I had begun an act of people-pleasing I wasn’t even aware I was doing.

This act of people-pleasing was with a good friend of mine who I usually enjoy a coffee with on Sundays before our home group in recovery. When they indicated several Sundays ago that they didn’t know whether they’d be available for coffee or not the following Sunday and would let me know on the day itself, at first, I was totally ok with that. But as the week wore on, I began to feel totally overwhelmed with my health issues and with keeping to the other obligations I already had for that day. Frankly, I was just tired and didn’t want one of those days where I was running from one thing to the next. My gut told me to just let my friend know I needed to cancel and aim for the following week instead. But, I didn’t do that, solely because I was so afraid of letting them down. So, when the night before our coffee get-together came upon me, I saw they were online and sent a message asking if they knew whether they were going to be able to meet with me the next day or not. Truthfully, I silently hoped they weren’t, as that way I’d be off the hook from my fear of letting them down if I had to be the one to cancel.

Regrettably, my inability to be fully honest with them and my attempt at people-pleasing completely backfired, causing more annoyance for them than any good. They had inferred through my words that I’d rather cancel, even though I hadn’t directly said that, and wished I had just been more forthcoming about it. And to be honest, looking back, so do I.

While I’ve grown quite a bit from being the people-pleaser I once was that originally stemmed from an unhealthy relationship with my mother growing up, there’s obviously a part of me that continues to do it with those I feel the closest to in life. That’s mostly because I’m afraid to lose any more friendships, given I have so very few of them. Unfortunately, though, this unwanted behavior doesn’t actually help to prevent that. In fact, it tends to have quite the opposite effect, frequently causing more stress and strain on the connection than anything. Thankfully though, my friend helped me to see how people-pleasing is more of a self-centered act and told me how the only cure for it is to just be honest and up front from the start. And I totally agree!

While I do consider myself an extremely honest person, sometimes too much so, I can see how on some level, I’m still being dishonest through any act of people-pleasing. The fact is, I’m sure if I had just told this friend that I wanted to cancel, once I had started to feel so overwhelmed during the middle of the week, they would have been 100% ok with it. Instead, my act of people-pleasing only caused them greater frustration and grievance.

This is precisely why any sort of people-pleasing isn’t healthy, because most acts of it don’t stem from the soul and aren’t spirit-led. Rather, they tend to arise from the ego and it’s attempt to control and please the masses, which I for one, know nothing good ever seems to come from trying to do that.

So, I’m just going to have to work a little harder on being honest the next time something like this comes up, where I begin to feel the need to people-please rather than be true to myself. Because I’m quite sure any good friend would rather have a fully present me who wants to actually be there spending time with them, than a barely present me, who’s only there out of people-pleasing, fear, and trying to check a box…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

James Gunn was the director of both blockbuster films Guardians of the Galaxy (GOTG) 1 and 2. He was slated to be the director for the next installment as well, that was until some controversial and sensitive subject matter-based tweets of his from 10 years ago were resurfaced and circulated around by internet personality Mike Cernovich. Because of it, Disney promptly fired James Gunn, which left me asking, where is the forgiveness?

Honestly, I’m pretty upset right now about Disney’s action. While Gunn’s tweets were indeed insensitive and done in very poor taste back then, we’re talking about something from 10 years ago. 10 YEARS! Those he’s worked with have even stated that those old tweets don’t even match his personality these days. Rather, he’s described as a loving, caring, and good-natured individual who’s gentle and kind and thoughtful of all people and even animals. And as Dave Bautista (who plays Drax in GOTG) put it succinctly, “He’s made mistakes. We all have…” Yet, Disney is still holding Gunn accountable for something he more than apologized for many times over.

The fact is, I’m not ok with Disney’s action at all because frankly, if everyone was held accountable in this world, like Disney has done with Gunn, for every mistake they’ve ever made throughout their lives, regardless of any positive changes or amends the person has made, very few would probably remain employed. The same principle holds true with anything really. Imagine if someone you were dating held you accountable for something you did well before you ever entered into that relationship and promptly left you as soon as they discovered it? Is that fair? Not really.

But life is often not fair, especially nowadays where people seem more hell bent on carrying judgments, anger, and resentments towards those who’ve made mistakes, rather than offer any forgiveness.

What I find most sad about this lack of forgiveness is how a majority of those not offering it also consider themselves to be a Christian. It was made pretty clear to me in my Biblical studies from long ago that Christ said to always forgive, no matter what. So why are people not doing much of that these days? And why can’t James Gunn be forgiven for something he did 10 years ago that he openly admits was an immature mistake, especially in light of the fact that he’s definitely not that immature person anymore.

In my humble opinion, I believe this lack of forgiveness by so many is related to the notion that it’s far easier to point the finger at others instead of at oneself. It’s far easier to look at someone else’s mistakes than one’s own, which reminds me of what Christ once preached so eloquently when he said, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” Sadly, I’m sure this is precisely why Disney quickly cut ties with Gunn, so as to avoid any potential backlash from all those who might point the finger at their company and put them in any type of bad light.

Personally, I’ve encountered a number of individuals in recent years who’ve misunderstood me and pointed the finger at me in the process, labeling me as this and that, and judging and resenting me, rather than looking at themselves in the mirror, at their own behaviors. Behaviors such as  adultery, promiscuity, addiction, and plenty of other toxic behaviors that I only became a projection for. And even when I never judged them for any of those things, they continued to judge me and couldn’t seem to find forgiveness in their heart. I believe that ‘s because forgiveness is something that must come from the heart and from looking within, but if the focus remains on pointing the finger, then that’s looking on the outside, instead of on the inside.

The fact is, forgiveness is so difficult for many because it means overcoming the ego, which would rather hold on to all that anger, judgment, and resentment to keep the focus off of having to look within. Believe me, it took a lot of work to go within and find forgiveness for my mother and father after their selfish actions led to their tragic deaths. The same was true for me finding forgiveness with the adult male who molested me when I was a 12 year old kid. But I did find forgiveness with both my parents and the molester as well, and became a lot freer and more at peace because of it. Most don’t realize that offering forgiveness leads to far more freedom and peace within, as compared to how very little of that will ever come from continuing to harbor anger, judgments, and resentments.

Nevertheless, I truly believe that James Gunn deserves forgiveness and his job back as director for the 3^rd GOTG film. It’s pretty clear he’s not the immature person he once was and has done his very best to erase his past through his positive current nature. Haven’t all of us made our own immature statements from time to time in our lives that we ended up regretting at some point and hoped we’d receive forgiveness for?

I’m sure most of us could answer that with a yes, so, hopefully Disney will offer exactly that to Gunn and hopefully the rest of the world will also follow suit one day when they start discovering that practicing forgiveness is going to lead to a much more peaceful existence, both within themselves, and with the rest of society as well.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson