Category: Words To Live By

I’m going to admit the truth. I have a lot of doubt in God’s plan for me right now. Given how long my suffering has been, not just for a season, but many seasons, and many years of seasons. Lately, I’ve been questioning why I’m even here anymore and am wondering if any of you have ever felt this way?

I often think of Job from the Bible these days and can totally relate to his story. Having lost his livelihood, his family, and his health, Job spent his days picking at open sores, questioning his existence and cursing the day he was born. And man, can I relate!

Sadly, Job’s friends only mourned with him for a week in his suffering, and then proceeded to offer him all the reasons why they thought he was going through his ordeal. Rather than continue to sit with him and just be there for support, their opinions only made Job feel worse, and boy, can I relate to that as well!

All Job wanted was God to answer him and his prayers. He really wanted nothing more than for God to let him know if there was something he did to deserve his suffering. Truly, he just wanted an answer, some answer, any answer. But he got none and he began to doubt because of it.

Eventually though, in the story of Job, God finally did speak and when God did, God told all the friends of Job how misguided their advice was and then told Job it wasn’t his place to question God. But, because Job kept his faith in God, even through all his suffering and all the misguided advice he got from his friends, all of his losses were restored.

Man, do I pray for that day! I hope and long for the day where I actually find myself smiling from my heart, from joy, and from feeling lighter. But, unfortunately, any smiles for me in life lately are rather fake and forced.

To live the life I have is not one I’d wish upon anyone.

Yet, even in the midst of all my suffering, I continue to believe God has a plan for me, one that includes feeling a lot more joy and peace than the mere milliseconds I’ve experienced of it over the past few years. But yet, I still have doubt and really wish I could remove all of it from me.

So many Christians have told me to go to scripture. But honestly, it hasn’t comforted me much in the six devotionals I read each day that use the Bible.

Friends keep telling me to go help another and I do, but honestly, I feel like I’m just doing it now because it’s the right thing to do, yet I’m not feeling any better because of it whatsoever.

My partner, my sister, and my best friend Cedric all tell me to keep trusting and remain still and have been over the past few years, yet I’m not sure if I have any gas left in me.

If I knew I could go to a better place by taking my life, I totally would. Yet, I fear what’s beyond this life if I took that action, so I never consider it and instead, find solace in Job, as I too have been picking lately at all the sores and pimples and bumps that have been showing up on my body as of late.

Do you think this makes me less of a spiritual human being because I am questioning God’s plan for me? Because I am doubting God?

It is said that all who embark upon a journey to find a deeper relationship with God encounter a vast desert like the one I feel like I’m in right now. But honestly, I don’t know the truth of anything right now other than I long for God’s presence, God’s grace, God’s peace, God’s joy, and God’s anything.

There is nothing more in this world I want than to feel something from God and so I wait, because what the world offered me throughout this life thus far has been waning and unfulfilling. Yet, for all the moments I’ve felt God in my life, or what I perceive has been God, has been far more fulfilling than even the breath I take in my lungs as I type these very words.

Nevertheless, yes, I doubt God and I think that’s ok. I am choosing to accept that God understands this and that it’s part of every spiritual human being’s journey here on Earth at some point or another. I guess right now it’s my turn to be in the dark, but I remain faithful that one day, the brightness will return and when it does, there will be a lot more of God, and a lot less of me…

Peace, love, light, and joy
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Have you ever become so impatient with something that you ended up taking action rather than waiting, only to find out that your action wasn’t necessary whatsoever not too long after? This seems to be happening to me quite a bit lately, which is causing me to think the Universe is purposely putting me through one situation after another solely to cultivate a greater level of patience within me.

The most recent example of this deals with a movie I ordered from Amazon over in the United Kingdom. Being a movie aficionado, I tend to collect a lot of films for repeated home viewing, chiefly in the 3D format, but 3D Blu Ray movies are becoming harder and harder to find, especially here in the United States, so I’ve had to resort to ordering them over in Europe where the format is still alive and well. Thus, when I ordered “Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle” in 3D from Amazon UK and received an email indicating it was dispatched on April 30^th, I didn’t have any worries, particularly with Amazon UK letting me know the movie would be delivered by the 17^thof May.

Unfortunately, there was no tracking information for my package and as the days turned to weeks, I began to worry about when my movie was going to arrive. When May 16^thcame and went with nothing in the mail, I contacted Amazon UK and inquired about my movie. The only thing they could tell me was that it was in transit and that if I didn’t receive it by the 25^thof May, they would send me another copy free of charge.

After a few more days went by without receiving it, I made a fear-based assumption it wasn’t going to come at all, even though I had been told to give it till the 25^th. I didn’t though, and instead contacted Amazon UK where I proceeded to raise a stink and express all my fears and worries. Because of that, they immediately agreed to send me a rushed replacement and ironically, the very next day, I had to chuckle when I saw my package containing my Jumanji movie sitting in my mailbox. Thankfully, I do have plenty of honesty and integrity today and swiftly contacted Amazon UK to cancel the replacement order.

Regardless, I didn’t brush this whole ordeal under the rug. Instead, I took a considerable amount of time to reflect, realizing in the process that this wasn’t the first time something like this had occurred. In fact, I’ve probably gone through at least a half dozen or more situations like this in recent times where my fear and worry caused me to take action rather than wait patiently, only to discover shortly thereafter my actions wasn’t necessary, as things always resolved themselves on their own.

So why is patience so hard for me and why did something as simple as a movie being delivered later than expected cause me to worry so much?

The answer for me is quite simple. I grew up always getting what I wanted more than not and continued to do so even into my adulthood. I frequently used money to get what I wanted, when I wanted, for most of my life. That was true until I lost the majority of it and my health back in 2010. Ever since, I’ve been challenged with one opportunity after another to learn the skill of patience the hard way like most of the rest of the world has had to learn and believe me when I say it’s not been easy.

Having been spoiled for much of my life and constantly finding ways to receive immediate gratification on plenty of levels, patience was never one of my virtues. Thankfully, I’ve come a long way though over the past eight years and have cultivated a much higher level of it, although as you can see, I still have some work to do.

Nevertheless, I’m grateful to at least be aware of that and to continue facing situations that will expand my level of patience, because ultimately, to be the spiritual disciple I wish to become in this life, a high level of patience is absolutely going to be required…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

“Don’t be such a p$%@y!” and “Grow a set!” are two statements I’ve heard quite a bit throughout my life that always seem to come from men who have no idea how to be vulnerable and show their true feelings, especially with another man. I’ve learned over the years though, through a lot of therapy and self-reflection that it’s statements like these that tend to fit the stereotypical image of what people think a “manly man” is.

It’s unfortunate, but far too many men who learn how to become this stereotypical “manly man” can trace it back to their own fathers or mothers or some other peer, as it’s typically one of them who taught that it wasn’t ok to show true feelings and instead were shown that anger or rage was the manlier way of doing things in this world. And for many of them, humor was also taught to be a good way of deflecting from getting too vulnerable with another. But unfortunately, even humor frequently was more about making fun of others flaws and shortcomings than engaging in simple harmless banter. And sadly, behind all of these behaviors is nothing more than deep-seated insecurities and scared little boys who never quite grew up feeling safe enough to show their true feelings. Rather, they grew up being taught to repress anything that might ever show them as weak and vulnerable.

I raise these points today because someone I care about resorted to using some of these stereotypical “manly man” statements with me just recently when my hypochondria took over after a silly incident where I couldn’t seem to shut off my mental illness long enough to see things clearly. When I tried to explain this to this person, he was unable to show any empathy and instead resorted to making fun of me by saying things like “Grow a set!”

My initial reaction was to be angry with him for being so inconsiderate and hurtful about a mental illness that I’ve struggled with so greatly as of late. But then I thought about how this very same person has always been so uncomfortable receiving hugs from me, how they’ve constantly struggled having any type of serious conversation with me, and how they’ve resisted opening up to me about anything personal more than not, as each of these traits are ones that tend to arise in families where parents and peers have molded their sons into being what they think a “manly man” should look like.

I am so grateful that my father never raised me that way. Rather, my father was very open with his feelings and I saw him cry quite a bit over the years and he did his best to teach me to be the same. My mother, on the other hand, didn’t like that part of my father, and so, she did her best to help me become the “manly man” she thought I needed to become to be successful in this world.

But ironically, attempting to become that “manly man” never made me successful one bit. Instead, it often left me bitter, disconnected, and out of touch with my heart and soul. But thankfully, all of my health issues I’ve gone through over the past bunch of years have helped me to shed all of that “manly man” bullshit from my life and get more in touch with my true feelings and nature. In other words, I finally allowed that scared little boy to emerge in this world and express his true self, no matter who was present.

And you know what? I’ve become a far more compassionate, unconditionally loving and accepting person because of it. Which just so happens to be the very reason why I was able to quickly move away from anger with a person who was playing the stereotypical “manly man” role oh so well with me. And in its place, I found love and light in my heart to accept their shortcoming, knowing they too were probably raised to be a “manly man” by people who were only able to teach the very thing they learned themselves from their own peers when they were kids.

Hopefully one day, this illusion of having to be a “manly man” to make it in this world will be fully purged from society. And in its place will remain men who are ok to get in touch with their truest feelings and who have a strong level of compassion and empathy, even when it comes to showing that to another man…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson