What Do You Do When No One’s Watching You?

What do you do when no one’s watching you? This is a question I began pondering years ago when I started realizing at various recovery meetings that a great speaker is not always indicative of whom a person really is in life. In fact, the reality I discovered more than not is that how a person presents themselves to the world is often quite far from the person they truly are when no one’s watching them. Of course I must say that this was true of me as well for a very long time, but more on that in a minute.

When I first went to Alcoholics Anonymous to find recovery from my addiction-prone life, I looked for others to guide my way to healing and to living more spiritually. I latched on to several people early on who blew me away each time I heard them speak at the meetings I attended. But soon I learned that just because they looked good and sounded well each time they spoke, it didn’t necessarily equate to who they truly were behind the scenes. Many of those I drew close to because of how great their recovery program appeared to me were actually backstabbing, gossiping, abusive, dishonest, and engaging in other addictions outside those meetings rooms. Sadly, I was oblivious at the time to the actuality that I was no better.

While I could stand at any podium and fully appear to know what I was talking about, most never knew how spiritually sick I was when I wasn’t being in the spotlight. Like many of those I idolized early on in recovery, I too carried my fair share of toxic character defects that I never revealed when speaking in any of those recovery meetings I attended. And while I swayed many people listening to me then to believe I was healthy and spiritually centered, I can honestly say today that I definitely wasn’t.

But I believe all charades will always be exposed over time the more one engages in them, as both those who I once idolized, and my façade as well, were eventually uncovered. Most of the ones I had looked up to in recovery relapsed or got in trouble with the law, where I ended up landing in a mental hospital and even attempted suicide.

Thankfully, I can genuinely say the person I am today whether I’m out and about in the world or at home behind closed doors are now the same. Unfortunately it took my ego getting smashed a whole heck of a lot to get here, but I’m glad it happened. I’m not a charlatan, a fake, or a fraud anymore and that actually feels pretty good to be able to say that now because it wasn’t that long ago when I couldn’t.

So I encourage you to ask yourself the same question I began with today.

What do you do when no one’s watching you???

If you’re conning the world like I once used to do, know the only thing you’re really doing is increasing your spiritual sickness. But if not, and you’re sincerely the same person whether you’re out and about or even when no one’s watching you, then know you’re probably well on your way to spiritual enlightenment…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“Thy Will, Not Mine”

Have you ever prayed about a difficult situation that either you or someone else was going through and asked for a specific outcome to happen with it all? I used to do that quite regularly in almost every one of my prayers, until I began to understand that maybe those difficult things that were happening were actually meant to help whoever was going through them spiritually grow.

There are quite a number of examples I could provide in my own life of difficult things I’ve gone through where I really tried to tell my Higher Power how they should be resolved. From the loss of intimate relationships, close friendships, jobs, and a business I owned, to the decline of my physical health, many of the prayers I’ve said for these things have ended up going in exact opposite direction of what my ego had wanted. But in the long run, I’ve consistently seen that it’s been for the better because I’ve learned very valuable lessons with the outcomes I received.

Take the loss of my bed and breakfast for example. As it headed towards financial ruin in its last few years of operation under my ownership, I prayed day in and day out for a buyer to come in and at least purchase it for a price that would pay me back the $600,000 I had personally invested into it. Eventually when it sold as a short-sale with me losing everything but the shirt on my back, I became quite angry with God for that outcome. But through my 12 Step recovery work, I ultimately saw how it brought me more humility in life by totally losing that investment. That loss actually taught me how much money had been ruling my life. Now I live a much humbler existence that isn’t being controlled by money like it used to be. I fully believe that if my original prayer had been answered in the way I wanted, I’d probably still have money controlling my life more than not.

Now, I do my best to pray for my Higher Power’s will in every difficult situation I go through. Currently, it’s my physical health issues that are definitely the most challenging thing I’m facing. All I ask in my prayers these days in dealing with them is for the strength to get through each 24 hours and for “Thy will, not mine” to be done. While my ego may not like the physical uncomfortableness I go through on on most days, I’ve become a lot more more compassionate, selfless, and humble having endured it as long as I have. That’s why I continue to ask for Thy will and not my own because maybe this is just part of some higher purpose that will become even more clear at a later date.

When it comes to everyone and everything else that I pray for nowadays, I also ask for God’s will and not for any particular outcome as well. Take for example a friend of mine who recently has been very fearful about becoming homeless due to his landlord ending his rental agreement. While I want to pray for my Higher Power to quickly fix his situation and find him an easy resolution, there may be some wonderful spiritual work manifesting within my friend’s life by going through this. Thus the only thing I’m praying for is God’s will in the whole matter.

The reality is that I’ve continued to observe over time in both others, and in myself, leaps in spiritual growth by going through any arduous time in life. While the ego may want to pray for a specific outcome time and time again when they’re occurring, I’ve found that in asking for Thy will and not mine, that the end result is far better than anything the ego could ever have imagined.

So if you happen to be facing something very difficult right now in life, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and ask for your Higher Power’s will, and not your own. I truly believe that you will grow exponentially on a spiritual level in doing so. But even better, there’s a good chance you’ll also end up with an outcome that will make you much happier in the long run, than anything your ego might have ever conceived of in the first place…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“Bridegroom”, A Convincing Movie For Legalizing Gay Marriage

There is such a divisive line being drawn right now in our country between those who are for gay marriage and those who are not. While I may be biased being in a gay relationship myself, watching the documentary movie titled Bridegroom the other day was a sad reminder of why it really is that important for our entire country to legalize same-sex marriage as soon as possible.

Bridegroom is a movie that came out in 2013 that chronicles the same-sex relationship of Shane Bitney Crone and Thomas “Tom” Lee Bridegroom. The two moved to Los Angeles to escape their individual small hometowns where being gay was never widely accepted. Shane came from Kalispell, Montana, while Tom was from Knox, IN and the two would eventually meet through mutual friends. It didn’t take them long to become an item and fall deeply in love with each other. They were very happy together, which was much to the dismay of Tom’s parents who initially threatened violence against Shane for believing he turned their son gay. Shane’s family on the other hand was far more accepting of their relationship and embraced them with a lot more tenderness.

The two would go on to spend their entire years together traveling much of the globe while filming each of their trips to some of the greatest wonders of the world. It was their goal to see all of them, but sadly they never got to because Tom accidentally fell one day from the top of their apartment building six years into their devoted relationship. As Tom lay in a hospital bed living his final moments in life, Shane was denied access to see his partner because he wasn’t family. When Tom’s mother came after his death, she would go through Shane and Tom’s home taking things without any regard to how Shane might feel. But the hardest of all for Shane was when he was denied the ability to attend Tom’s funeral in Knox and was even threatened all over again with physical violence if he attempted to. Even worse, neither Tom’s obituary nor his funeral would make any mention of Shane at all.

As part of his healing process, Shane decided to document all of these experiences in a YouTube video titled “It Could Happen To You” that garnered so many views it became the catalyst to making the actual movie. And through a Kickstarter campaign that went on to raise $384,375 from over 6,000 people, the film was actually able to come to fruition.

Bridegroom truly stirred my heart because I have known of others who have gone through similar experiences just like Shane and Tom. One friend of mine lost his partner after many loving years together, only to watch his deceased partner’s family take his house and most of his belongings away, which left him almost completely empty-handed and homeless. The two had not been able to marry because it wasn’t legal for them to do so, but if they had been, this would have never been able to happen.

I have to admit that I’ve been fearful at times living here with my partner because my relationship with his family has not been as close as I wish it to be. While they embraced his sexuality long ago, I haven’t fully felt the same of our partnership as of yet. I often wonder what would happen if he lay dying one day in a hospital. Would I be allowed to visit him? And if he were to actually pass away, would I even be allowed to attend his funeral and be listed in his obituary? I also think quite a bit about the home I live in given that it’s in my partner’s name. Would the family try to kick me out of it and even take some of our mutual belongings away if he were to die before me? I can’t answer any of these questions, but I honestly pray that they would be fully supportive of me if a tragedy like that should ever happen to my partner, unlike how Tom Bridegroom’s family was with Shane.

I sincerely hope that my partner and I will live for many more years together so that I never have to find out the answers to any of those questions. In the meantime, I will continue to have faith that gay marriage will one day be legalized everywhere in our country. But until then, my heart goes out to all the same-sex couples of the world that have had to endure discrimination and lack of unconditional love from others just like it was shown so tragically in the story of Shane and Tom in Bridegroom.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson