The Twelfth Step

Recently, it’s been brought to my attention that an individual has been talking quite negatively about me behind my back, both inside and outside the recovery rooms. There is a term for this, it’s called backstabbing, and it’s a serious character defect. Thankfully my Higher Power helped me to part ways with it several years ago, but unfortunately, there are many others, such as this individual, who haven’t.

“The sick don’t know their sick” is a phrase that first comes to mind anytime I hear that someone is backstabbing another, whether it’s a person in recovery or not. I say that only because of my own past personal experiences in doing it. For years, I went to meetings and talked a good game. In other words, I said all the right things about what to do in recovery and truly believed I was doing them. I honestly thought my recovery was top notch. The problem is that it wasn’t. I was filled with so many character defects that I was completely oblivious to how sick I still was. And regrettably, backstabbing others was one of those defects that caused me to remain sick.

I never thought talking negatively another person behind their back, was a bad thing to do. Often, I wasn’t even aware I was doing it, which is the case with many sick people like I was back then. In my mind, I was always just venting my opinions about those people, thinking it was completely harmless. But it wasn’t. Often my backstabbing comments reached those people and hurt them immensely. Even worse, a few of them were newcomers who relapsed because of it. I’m grateful that my relationship with my Higher Power today is strong enough to not let that happen to me because of this individual’s words. But just as important, I know my recovery program is much more solid today because the words being said aren’t causing me to be angry and react. In the past though, they definitely would have.

Another reason why I believe I’m not getting angry or reacting to this person’s backstabbing of me is that I know what’s being said isn’t true. The fact is that most people who get angry and react when someone is backstabbing them is because there is some truth to what’s being said of them. I should know because much of what was said of me behind my back in the past was true, I just didn’t want to look in the mirror to see that truth.

It’s unfortunate that this individual doesn’t see just how sick they still are, as much as it was for me all those years I was the same exact way. But a simple truth in all of this is that most people who backstab another are only jealous of them in some way. There’s something in those people they’re talking negatively about, that they want within themselves. My first sponsor always told me that when people start talking negatively behind your back, it means your recovery is working and theirs isn’t. I am so thankful I remembered her words as it’s helped me to have compassion for this individual.

So if you think it’s healthy to talk negatively behind someone’s back, it’s not. Please understand the only thing you’re really doing when you’re backstabbing another is hurting your own recovery and possibly theirs. It’s a serious character defect that can only be eliminated through a spiritual transformation by your Higher Power and thankfully, mine has done that for me. Hopefully this person will allow their Higher Power to one day soon do the same for them as well. Until then, I will continue sending them love, forgiveness, and peace as I know that is what my Higher Power would want of me…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

I’m sure the first time I heard the spiritual saying that “The teacher will appear when the student is ready” I probably just rolled my eyes. I’m also just as sure the only reason why I would have done that at the time was that I wasn’t ready to learn anything from anyone.

Rarely in my addiction-fueled days was anything in charge of me except for my ego. To put it rather bluntly, the only teacher I had during all those years was myself. There of course were many moments when various people tried to teach me something, but I was always so caught up in my self-centeredness that anything they said would only go in one ear and out the other. That all changed by the end of the summer in 2007 though when my pain became great enough from living that addiction-laden life.

It was late in August when I had just landed in Massachusetts after a month-long whirlwind trip overseas. I felt completely broken inside so I decided to contact my only remaining recovery friend in the area. He invited me to come to his next AA home group that Friday night and I accepted. As they say in AA, I was so tired of being sick and tired, that I became willing to do anything to feel better. In the past, I would have scoffed at the idea of going to a meeting on a Friday night, but not this time. When that night came, I was emotional mess and truly wanted to stop feeling that way. When the meeting ended that evening, a woman approached me and said she was willing to be my sponsor and help guide me through the 12 Steps, but only if I was completely willing to do the work. I was so incredibly depressed that I was ready to do anything I needed to do to heal, so I said yes. Lorraine was the name of that sponsor and she became the first teacher I was ever willing to listen to and be a student of in life.

I spent around two years learning the 12 Steps from Lorraine. She was a wonderful teacher who knew when to give praise, and when to give me a swift kick the in the butt. Ironically, I was the first male sponsee that she ever had. Old timers in recovery always say when it comes to sponsorship that it’s, “a male for a male, and a female for a female”. But that didn’t work for me. I didn’t trust men given that one had molested me at a very young age. I somehow believe that my Higher Power knew this and led Lorraine to break that sponsorship guideline and help me. The fact is I was definitely ready to be a student at that point in my life and the teacher truly did appear at that time because of it. Sadly, I eventually parted ways from Lorraine only because I allowed my ego to resume control all over again.

It took me four more years of allowing that until my Higher Power guided the next spiritual teacher into my life. Her name is Manin and oddly enough she had been a part of my life since the latter part of 2005. I was first introduced to her back then when I needed help to heal on a holistic level from something. Unfortunately, once that was taken care of by her, I kept more distance than closeness from her during the course of the next seven years. The reality was I wasn’t ready for the caliber of work I’d go through under her guidance. Instead, I only sought her support in crises mode to help me put out the fires I kept creating in and around my life. She was always able to do that and give me wonderful spiritual advice as well, but most of it I failed to heed because I kept on allowing my ego to stay in charge. Ultimately, my pain became so great from being that way, that my willingness returned to be a student again. That was in April of 2012, and since then Manin has been my spiritual teacher who has helped guide me so much closer to not only myself, but also my Higher Power.

I’m fully convinced that the teacher does appear when the student is ready because I’ve seen it happen twice now in my life. My Higher Power guided both Lorraine and Manin into my life at the precise times when I was ready to be a student. The key though was that I had to become willing to do whatever it took to spiritually heal and grow, as that’s when my teachers have always appeared…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson