Another Test, Another Spiritual Lesson

Sometimes I find myself lately having to chuckle over the many tests the Universe continues to hand me to see if I’ve learned various spiritual lessons. One of those actually came my way just the other day when a person once toxic for me, attempted to contact me through my website.

It’s been over two years now since I last was in any physical or verbal contact with this man, whom I’ve referred to in a few of my previous articles as “John”. John was always a mirror to me for my many character defects I wasn’t able to see within myself over the course of the four years we were in each other’s lives. My addiction-prone life got the best of me back then and that consistently prevented me from truly seeing the mirror. After experiencing a long saga of fights, arguments, threats, drama, and way too much stress, I finally recognized how unhealthy and codependent our connection had become. That was when I made the decision to end the friendship, as I clearly saw how it was directly impacting my ability to spiritually grow and heal under my Higher Power’s direction.

Over the past two and a half years since then, there were times I missed the good parts of that friendship. But just like a single drink or a drug would do to me, I felt that any contact with John could drive me back down a dark path that would be completely toxic and unhealthy for me. The true test of following that belief came last week when I endured three deaths, some problems on the home front, and several physical health frustrations all at once. At my lowest moment, I received a random email from John saying hello that came through the contact form on my website. For a few moments, I debated on whether to respond to it or not, but I knew that urge was only coming from my old codependent behaviors. I didn’t respond and I’m grateful I didn’t because what I experienced over the course of the next few days reminded me all to well as to why I made the decision to end that connection in the first place.

From what I gathered, John later read my blog and found the few I had written that were about my former relationship with him. Instead of seeing those entries were about my own spiritual journey and the painful lessons I’ve had to learn along the way, he took my words personally and in a negative way. He then contacted my sister and her husband because of it. Shortly thereafter I received a very negative instant message from my sister’s husband. He was quite upset about whatever words John had shared with him. I didn’t respond because I knew in my heart that no explanation would have done any good. Two days later, I also had to work through some things with my sister as well because of John’s contact to her. It was during that conversation though; that I had to do one of those chuckles. As it was then I realized the drama I was going through was no different than how my relationship used to be with John regularly all those years ago.

The fact is that I don’t want, need, or desire any drama in my life anymore. I also don’t want to put my friends or my family in the middle of my own personal struggles with others anymore either. I’m so thankful I resisted those old codependent urges to respond to John’s email, as I know that nothing good would have come of it.

While I truly can’t say whether John has changed or not over these past few years, the toxic patterns of what happens when he and I are involved with each other on any level are still clearly evident. Returning to that connection today would be no different as compared to how things used to be back then between us. So I’m very thankful to my Higher Power for not only helping me to resist those urges, but also to see that the door is definitely meant to remain closed between John and I.

While I do truly pray for God’s love and light to fully shine on John’s life, my spiritual path is one that no longer holds a place for him on it. Sometimes the Universe really does test us to see if we’ve truly learned spiritual lessons such as this, and thankfully, I feel in this case that I have.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff

Sometimes I exceedingly obsess over various things that really aren’t that big of a deal. Some have even occasionally said over the years that I have obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Lately, my yard seems to be one of those OCD things that has had my complete and undivided attention, and it took a neighbor walking by the other day to remind me that I need to stop sweating the small stuff.

I guarantee you’d probably have a good laugh if you ever saw me working in my yard. In the spring, I seed it over and over again to fill in even the smallest of bare spots. During the summer, I often cut and edge it several times a week as well as watering it several times a day. During the fall, I have even been known to pick up the leaves as soon as they land in the yard. The fact is I’m so overly meticulous with my lawn that I have even used a shop vacuum to suck up any random debris that’s ever on it. Looking at this as I write about it, I can clearly see how OCD these behaviors are. But there’s a deeper lesson that God showed me with it and it’s one that was hard not to notice. It dealt with the local lawn care company I utilize to do the fertilization, weed, and grub control.

I contacted this company last week and let them know that I didn’t want them to come out and do any more treatments until I spoke with the guy in charge of doing my lawn care. That decision was due to the large amount of new grass still coming up. Rule number one in good lawn care is that you don’t put any chemicals down on new seedlings until they are fully-grown and have been cut a few times. The company acknowledged this and promised I’d get a call before any more treatments would take place. Little did I know though that God had another plan and it was one that would really highlight how much I still do sweat the small stuff?

It started when I came home in the middle of last week. As I pulled into my driveway, I noticed the small sign in my yard indicating that chemicals had been put down. Less than 48 hours later, a large section of my grass in the front yard was completely dead and totally brown. It was very obvious given how much of a lush green and manicured lawn I normally have. How did I react to this? I’m not proud of it, but I flipped out. First on my partner, even though none of it was his fault, then on the worker who placed those chemicals down, and finally with the owner of the company itself. What I mean by flipping out is that I became overly dramatic about this burnt grass. If you had heard me, you would have thought my world was coming to an end. When one of my neighbors walked by and saw me completely in OCD mode over it, she said rather bluntly “Don’t sweat the small stuff!” She then went on to say she learned that lesson as she watched her husband wither away and die over the course of five years due to a disease.

She was right, as my yard is truly not that big of a deal, as compared to so many other things that have a lot more depth and weight in life. Last week, three people I knew tragically died and my yard became my OCD escape from dealing with part of it on some level. While that obsession was definitely a much better escape than the many toxic addictions I once would have done over events such as this, the fact is it was still an escape and escapes aren’t healthy either. I can see now that my avoidance of fully feeling the pain of those deaths is what led me to sweating the small stuff like my burnt yard.

I know I need to continue working on this part of me, as it’s a negative behavior that’s plagued me much of my life. I’m very grateful that God spoke to me through my neighbor because her message truly helped me to see this. The fact is I know that God was trying to tell me to stop sweating the small stuff this past week. I’m just glad my eyes were open enough to acknowledge it and make a little progress in learning this invaluable lesson.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

How To Remain Clean And Sober Through Anything

“…if we are willing to receive that grace of God which can sustain and strengthen us in any catastrophe.” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 113)

Recovery from addictions isn’t a constant walk in the park. There will be many trials and tribulations along the way on everyone’s journey to recovery. The real question is how does one remain clean and sober when they occur? The answer’s simple, and Bill Wilson put it quite nicely when he said that all we need is the grace of God, as that can guide us through anything.

I can attest to Bill’s words as I just went through a week filled with several extremely difficult calamities. Over the course of just a few days last week, my sponsor passed away, one of my teacher’s students was accidentally shot and killed, and my youngest sponsees overdosed and died. Prior to fully living a 12 Step based life, my solution to handle any one of these would have been to succumb to some type of an addiction. Whether that was engaging in sex or porn, getting drunk, getting high, gambling, over-caffeinating, or binge shopping, it didn’t really matter as long as it would numb my pain. It took me a long time to desire a life where I didn’t want to numb myself. But it took me even longer to realize that the only thing I truly needed to get through any those was God. Working the 12 Steps began to show me this.

At first I fought the 12 Step process and kept a lot of my self-will. All that did was continue to drive me right back into my addictions when those misfortunes would happen. Hanging around the meeting rooms long enough helped to change that though and soon I started seeing many people who were navigating through all of life’s ups and downs just fine. The common denominator amongst all of them was to fully lean upon their Higher Power. I was initially clueless on what it truly meant to fully lean upon one’s Higher Power. Over time though, I was taught that it meant several things.

It meant a lot of praying.

It meant reaching out and helping others.

It meant attending more meetings.

And it meant asking for help and not trying to do it alone.

This past week, I did each of those things. I vigilantly prayed to stay clean and sober and sent my love to all those who were affected by these tragic deaths. I continued to reach out and help my other sponsees and even started the process of taking on someone new. I went to a few more meetings as well, and at each of them, I spoke about what I was going through. I even spent some extra time before and after those meetings to connect a little deeper with sober individuals.

Through all of it, I didn’t relapse on ANY of my addictions and trust me I would have in the past. I have to say that I wholeheartedly agree now with Bill Wilson’s words because time and time again, the only thing that has completely sustained and strengthened me in all of life’s catastrophes has been my relationship with God. I’m so thankful for that, and for the fact that I don’t need to numb myself anymore when any of life’s trials and tribulations comes my way, just like they did last week…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson