The Twelfth Step

It’s New Year’s Eve and 2022 will soon become nothing more than a memory. Of all the years in my life, 2022 has by far been the hardest upon my heart. I’ve experienced such a massive onslaught to it since it began that it’s never gotten a chance to recover. So, as 2023 begins, I have only one hope for it, but before I say what that is, I want to share all that my heart actually went through this year.

2022 began with several individuals whom I felt were good friends, walking out of my life without ever explaining why or ever even giving me a chance to talk through whatever their reasons were. Each would ghost me, one building upon the next, until my life became a blur from what seemed like a mass exodus happening. While you can say it’s their loss, or share some bible phrases or other sayings people often used during times of great loss, or even offer that universal quote, “when one door closes, another opens”, I’ve found that none of that really helps heal a broken heart when too many doors close all at once.

With each of those doors closing in heartache, by the time my birthday arrived in June, I began enduring hurtful words from a partner I still loved immensely. When you hear things like, “I hate you” or “I can’t wait till you go on your vacation, so I have some peace and quiet around here…”, even if they get said in the heat of the moment, it still felt like a sledgehammer bashing my heart each time. Eventually, my heart couldn’t take it anymore and I gave up. It was then I realized I had been the only one carrying the torch when he’d admit he hadn’t been in love for some time, the heartache of which became unfathomable for me.

Then the came the hard realization that I had nowhere to go due to my financial situation and health issues, both established long before I ever moved to Toledo, and something that didn’t matter back then to either of us because of being in love. While thankfully I was still promised I had a home to stay in until another path opens up for me, having to continue to watch the cats who share the home still get all the coo’s and cuddle’s I once got, I’d silently cry within each time.

When I tried to seek solace from all this with my best friend, it only brought about greater heartache as he suggested that maybe the demise of my relationship and all those that ended in my life prior were only because I’ve been sinning against God for a long time by being in gay partnerships. To hear this from my best friend who helped me out of the closet ages ago, who helped me find God and reminded me again and again that God loves me no matter what, who helped me find true recovery from addiction, and who taught me all about how to love everyone unconditionally, hit my heart so hard I thought it was going to explode from the pain. I’ve never felt that God disapproved of any of my relationships, because I’ve always loved so fully from every bit of my heart, which is precisely what God is, unconditional love. So, when you’re seeking your best friend’s shoulder to cry on over so much heartbreak but instead given religious creed that feels shame-filled and guilt-ridden, it was like putting a set of nails into my heart no different than Jesus getting nailed to a cross.

In the midst of all this, I’d also learn of my sister’s marriage crumbling after 22 years, and as it did, she’d grow distant, our calls became less, and our connection waned. While I understood she was hurting too, I still desperately needed someone to talk to about all I was going through. Unfortunately, she didn’t have that energy to give, which led to her cancelling her holiday trip to see me. That in turn caused even further heartbreak, and even more so when I learned I couldn’t visit her over the holidays either, all because of someone in her life who’s never learned to love me even when I’ve desperately tried to offer them unconditional love time and time again.

And just when I thought my heart couldn’t take any more in 2022, the one diamond in all the rough from this year, the one true gem that glowed so brightly above them all, and someone who seemed to truly understand me in every one of our calls that would last for hours on end but felt as if only mere seconds passed by, who somehow also found a way to help my heart repair a little more each time we connected, suddenly exited my life as well, with nothing more than a text that made no sense compared to the depth of the connection we had built, and someone I continue to miss every, single, day, as if a part of me is missing now.

So, while I wish I had a hopeful message to offer of what I learned this past calendar year like I have done in years’ past, what I do have to offer is my truth as to why I hurt as bad as I do in my heart right now. In light of that, as 2023 begins, I place my one and only hope out there for God, the Universe, Source, or Whatever you may choose to call it. Please return to me the one person who will unconditionally love me and never let go, to embrace my fragile heart and spend the rest of this lifetime with, always putting unconditional love first before anything else, as I do the same with them. Truly, it’s my heart’s only remaining desire…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson