In every same sex relationship there are, of course, two people of the same sex. So that’s either two males or two females right?! My asking this may sound rather funny to you right now, but for whatever the reason, it always seems as if heterosexual people want to know who plays the female in a same sex relationship and who plays the male.
From an outside perspective, it may appear that same sex relationships always have one partner being more masculine and one more feminine. But there is a problem in saying this though and that’s because it’s technically a judgment. And why is that a judgment? Well who makes the determination of what traits are considered masculine and what’s considered feminine? It’s not as if there is a manual out there that defines this. Instead, it’s society that does.
Throughout history, a woman was usually the person who did the cooking and the cleaning. They also took care of the kids, if there were some, and any other day to day household duties. The males, on the other hand, were considered the breadwinners and left each day to go earn the wages necessary to support the family. But as everyone can see, this has changed tremendously in these last few decades. In fact the roles are now becoming more equally shared with both the men and the women in those relationships each having a paid job as well as helping out doing the household chores. This same shift has occurred in the workforce where jobs that were once held primarily by men are now becoming equally shared with women such as in something like construction. There’s also been a shift with those who watch sports, such as baseball and football, where it once was mostly men, but now women have just as much of a love for them. The list goes on and on of how the lines are much more blurred now with the roles for a man or a woman. But sadly, in the case of same sex relationships, too many people still want to define who’s playing those roles.
Take for example two males in a same sex relationship where one of them is staying at home and working around the house, doing the cleaning, and preparing the meals, does that make them the female role? Society would have the tendency to say yes. But the reality is that this labeling of who’s the male role and who’s the female role in same sex relationships is a lot more about three very specific traits. They deal with a person’s voice, their appearance, and their desires sexually in bed.
In regards to one’s voice, many people would assume today that if a woman has a deep voice, that she’s probably a lesbian. If the woman is indeed a lesbian and in a same sex relationship, it’s further assumed that she’s playing the male role. On the other hand, if the man has a higher pitched voice, many would assume today that he’s probably gay. And if that man is indeed gay and in a same sex relationship, it’s also further assumed that he’s playing the female role.
In regards to one’s appearance, many people will also make the assumption today that if a woman cuts her hair short and wears jeans, that she’s probably a lesbian. And like before, if that woman is indeed a lesbian and in a same sex relationship, it’s also assumed that she’s playing the male role. No different is the view on a man who wears brightly colored and loud looking clothes, or walks with a “swish”, where it’s assumed that he’s probably gay. If that man is indeed gay and in a same sex relationship, it’s just as much assumed that he’s playing the female role.
In regards to one’s desires sexually in bed, there is this concept of who plays the “top” and who plays the “bottom” in a same sex relationship. The “top” is usually considered the dominant role and the assumption is made that it’s masculine for that reason. The “bottom” is usually considered the passive role and the assumption is made that it’s feminine for that reason.
There’s a common thread amongst each of these three traits. They are all based on assumptions and an assumption is nothing more than a judgment. There are no hard core truths or facts which indicate a person’s masculinity or femininity based upon the level of their voice, the way they look, or what their desires are sexually in bed. Unfortunately, it is simply just society that creates this.
The real truth is this. Every single human being has both a feminine side and a masculine side regardless of whatever their sexual preference is. While a person may allow one of those sides to become more pronounced than the other, that doesn’t necessarily make them gay or lesbian nor does it mandate them to be living in a more masculine or feminine based way. Saying so is truly just placing judgments and only adding more to the polarization that same sex relationships receive.
Personally, it’s my hope that God will start leading everyone away from trying to define things like this. There are so many more important things to focus on right now that have greater relevance with homosexuals and same sex relationships. Equal rights, gay marriage, and bullying are just a few examples. Maybe if people stop focusing in on things like who’s the masculine one and who’s the feminine one in a same sex relationship, they’ll start placing more energy towards what’s really important in life.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson