One of the more stubborn character defects I have in my life that seems to resist much of the work I place around removing it is my tendency to think the worst when I’m not able to get a hold of a close friend or loved one.
Case in point, I was trying to get a hold of someone one evening about a week ago who I’ve been growing closer to in recent months. Normally he’s quite prompt in answering my calls and texts. But when I wasn’t able to get a hold of him over the course of several hours, I found myself overly worrying, seeing how he’s currently in somewhat of an unhealthy situation in his present living quarters. I started to think the worst. Could he have been physically harmed? Maybe he’s in the hospital? I even went to the place where I wondered if he was upset at me for some reason? But eventually he got back to me much later that night and said he had been detained in a meeting and his phone hadn’t been on him and was well in Andrew’s worry-filled world.
Then, ironically, the very next day, the same thing happened when I had a scheduled phone call at noon with my best friend from Massachusetts. As the clock ticked well into the lunch hour, I decided to call him, seeing how I hadn’t heard from him. I immediately got his voicemail, indicating his phone was off. Several attempts later ended with the same result. When 1pm rolled around, I called one last time and the phone actually rang, but he never picked up. That’s when I began to worry like the previous evening. Why was his phone off during lunch when he knew we were supposed to chat? Was he mad at me? Did something bad happen at his work? Is he ok? But once again, later into the evening, I received a text from him, where he apologized for missing our scheduled call. He let me know he had gone through an exceptionally busy day and that he would call me later that night, which he did and like before, all became well again in my fearful mind.
In both situations, the problem wasn’t with either of my friends. It was with me. I had dramatized the worst-case scenarios with each and because of it, I caused myself much greater suffering. So, what could I have done differently? I could have prayed a lot more, yet I didn’t and that’s because this character defect is such an ingrained behavior, one that has all to do with my abandonment issues.
Losing my parents suddenly, going through terrible break-ups, and experiencing a number of close friends abruptly leave my life, has caused me to react with intense worry at times when someone I care about becomes unreachable. Every time this happens, my mind has the tendency to go to those worst places thinking the other person is either seriously hurt, dying, or dead, or in slightly less dramatic fashion, believing they’re just really mad at me for something. Rarely do I ever seem to accept the idea that the person is simply just busy and will get back to me when they can.
Trust me, this character defect is a very frustrating one to live with, and one that I know that isn’t healthy for me on any level. And the fact is, this worry has all to do with some lingering trust issues I have with God, given all that I’ve gone through and continue to go through in life, most notably with my health and the other difficult losses I’ve endured over the past decade.
Regardless, I wrote today’s article to remain humble and show I’m still flawed like the rest of us are, that I still have baggage to sift through, and ultimately, that I still need to work on trusting God a lot more, especially when I find myself overly worrying when I can’t get a hold of someone I care about.
So hopefully, as I keep working on this character defect, I will remember to pray much harder the next time I find myself worrying when I can’t get a hold of someone I care about, as I truly believe it’s only God who can safely navigate me through it, especially when that old fear of abandonment arises.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
