The Twelfth Step

I often wonder if the biggest dilemma that people regularly face on their own spiritual journeys is the same as mine, which is discerning what God’s will is. I have struggled greatly with this over the past two years, wondering if some of the decisions I’ve made were even in my highest, greatest good. I tend to do a lot of spiritual research these days because of this, mostly trying to figure out how others discover what God’s will is for them. In one of my recent findings, I found a funny story I’d like to share with all of you that deals with this subject of discerning God’s will.

“This story is one of a farmer who was plowing his fields one day and praying, “Lord what is your will for my life?” He then looked up and suddenly saw two large clouds forming what appeared to be letters. He continued to watch them drift overhead and could make out only two letters, “P.C.” He thought about this for a few minutes, certain it was an answer to his prayer. “P.C.”, he said to himself. “That’s it! God must be wanting me to ‘Preach Christ!’” A charge ran through his body as he realized that God was giving him a sign. God was calling him to be a pastor or evangelist! He left his farming equipment in the field, announced to his friends he’d been called to be a preacher, and went out proselytizing in any church that would have him. But his sermons ended up being dreadful and his ministry unfruitful. A year later he returned to his farm where his friends came and asked him, “What happened? We thought God called you to be a preacher?” Upon which he responded, “I finally realized that ‘P.C.’ didn’t mean ‘Preach Christ’, it meant, ‘Plant Corn!’”

I discovered this little gem in a book titled “Why? Making Sense of God’s Will” by Adam Hamilton. While I’m still in the midst of reading it, I found great irony in this story about discerning God’s will because I went through something similar a number of years ago.

Back in the summer of 2007, I truly thought God was telling me to return to school and get a Master’s degree in social work, all for the purpose of eventually becoming a licensed therapist. A number of random things had happened that I assumed were “signs” that this was God’s will for me. So, I applied to the master’s program for social work at two different universities and got accepted into them both. The one I chose was Boston College. But two months into my first semester I totally crashed and burned. I didn’t like studying anything in either of the classes I was taking and frankly I was completely bored with the subject material. That’s when I began to wonder if maybe I had discerned God’s will incorrectly. Ironically, it was then I suffered from a complete meltdown in life. Shortly thereafter, I came to the acceptance that maybe God’s will for me was to just work on myself and get healthier, that the therapy I needed all along was on myself, not to practice on others. It’s then I began to immerse myself into my recovery work from addiction, doing all that I could with the 12 Steps. And somewhere along the way, I became free from all the bondage that addiction once had over me and discovered a much deeper relationship to God as well.

So, was my brief period of returning to college for that masters in social work really God’s will for me or was it only a means to an end to achieve what God ultimately wanted for me, that being to work on healing myself and find a closer relationship to Him? I can’t say I know that answer and I’m still not exactly sure if what I’m doing right now in life is God’s will for me either.

That being said, I find that discerning God’s will continues to be the most challenging part of my spiritual journey in life these days. I truly wish God was far clearer with me when it comes to this. But maybe that’s just how it’s supposed to be. Maybe sometimes we’re simply meant to stumble and fail like a parent often lets their child do, all for the purpose of growing up, or in this case, spiritually growing? But more importantly, maybe the only times God is more direct with what His will is for each of us happens when we are heading down a path that’s moving away from our highest, greatest good and not towards…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson