Sometimes I see people in 12 Step meetings who have many years of sobriety demonstrate behaviors that make me really question their recovery program. This actually happened just recently in fact when I was at my Sunday night AA home group. There I observed someone who just celebrated a double digit anniversary do things that were quite rude.
I initially noticed it while I was sharing on the topic at hand. As I did so, I saw them on the other side of the room scoff at what I was saying and then proceed to share their irritation with the person next to them. For the remainder of the time I spoke, they then closed their eyes and turned their head away from me as if to show what I had to say wasn’t that important to them.
At first I wondered if what I said had been inappropriate for an AA meeting. But as others continued to share similar experiences, strengths, and hopes after me, I saw how this person’s negative behaviors only grew more visible. At one point, they even muttered a swear loud enough for everyone to hear in the room to show how much they were displeased with what was being said.
But ironically, the topic that night was quite relevant to a number of people there including myself, as it was all about the challenges that can arise within one’s sobriety. When someone there mentioned they faced some of that on a recent cruise, that was precisely the moment when I saw this other person start becoming extremely restless, irritable, and discontent. And as others kept sharing on the same subject, their adverse reactions became even more exacerbated. When the meeting finally came to a close a little later, I could tell they were extremely frustrated. How could I tell? Well it ended with them snapping at someone else because the prayer circle was not coming together in the way they thought it should.
In all honesty, I really wanted to approach this person after that and ask them if they were aware how disruptive and rude their behaviors were, but I’ve come to learn that engaging someone like this only creates more stress. Instead, I spoke with someone else who’s been providing guidance for my recovery and through them I came to understand how this person has always been this way and caused similar irritation to plenty of others.
So instead of any confrontation, I did the thing that I knew my Higher Power would have wanted from the very start and that was to pray for them. And pray I did. I prayed for love, forgiveness, and peace for this person until I no longer felt bothered by the situation. And what remained in me after that was a sense of sadness. Sadness in the realization that they were only a mirror for how I once was, judging everyone negatively in meetings, while I maintained the belief of how great my program was when in fact it wasn’t that great at all. Even though I had double digit sobriety during that period of time, I was still very sick.
The bottom line is that it really doesn’t matter how much time someone has in sobriety. It’s one day at a time and just because someone has long term sobriety, it doesn’t mean they have a great program. Often people allow their ego’s to convince them the longer they remain sober, the better their recovery becomes just like I once did. The truth is that recovery is so much more than the length one has sober. It involves a lot of work, including respecting everyone in recovery no matter where they’re at in it or what they share about. I’m grateful though for seeing this mirror into my past by simply observing this person’s behaviors last Sunday, as I can clearly see how much I’ve grown. Hopefully one day this person will see that mirror for themselves, but until then, I’m going to focus more on cultivating my own recovery by continuing to pray for them…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson