The Twelfth Step

If you’ve ever attended a church service then you probably have heard the term “free will” before. If you haven’t, it is often said during many of them that all of us here on planet earth are given this from the day we are born, to the day we die, and what we do with it is up to us. For the longest time I utilized that principle to the extreme by living my life exactly how I wanted to live it, regardless of how God may have felt about it. But as I began to work a lot more on myself spiritually, the greater I became willing to give up my free will and ask instead for what God would want of me. Lately I’ve been struggling to stick with this though, solely because of the health issues I continue to deal with.

You see I’ve come to understand one thing about what it means to follow God’s will. Sometimes it involves a lot of waiting. In other words, it requires a tremendous amount of patience. While I’ve grown in that department quite a bit in the past few years, this summer has been particularly trying given how many I’ve already had to watch go by from the sidelines. Some of those who have witnessed my frustration over this recently have suggested that maybe God isn’t going to deliver me out of this and that I should use my free will to pursue other options. A few years ago it was rather easy for me to ignore when people said things like this to me, but now I feel it’s becoming more and more difficult to do and it’s caused me to occasionally ponder the free-will based choices I could pursue.

The first is one that any person who has lived with chronic pain on any level for an extended period has probably considered at some point or another, and that’s to take his or her own life. My father did this very thing because of his own pain and honestly, it’s really the last thing I would ever want to do. Yet on those days when my pain has been through the roof, I’d be lying if I said those thoughts didn’t cross my mind.

The second choice is to go back to an addiction-laden life. Basically, what that means is to spend the rest of my days in a haze of booze, drugs, and sex, because my brain says it will help me have a little more ease and comfort with what I’m going through. Unfortunately, my brain also tries to forget all the intense pain and suffering each of those addictions caused me the last time I engaged in any of them.

The third choice is the one that people seem to keep trying to push my way the most, and that’s to go back to doctors and get some prescriptions to help make things a lot easier for me. Ironically, my mind tries to convince me I should do this on a regular basis, even knowing that the last time I tried this route that it ended with me in even greater pain after a year of pursuing it.

Lastly, the fourth and final choice I have is to do keep on doing what I’ve been doing to heal, to adhere to my holistic path, and to trust and remain patient with God like I’ve been trying to do, day in and day out for a good while now. This of course is the healthiest choice of them all, and truly the only one where I believe my free will matches that of God’s will.

Thus I believe it’s pretty clear what the best choice is for me. It’s the one where I continue remaining patient, enduring this pain, and maintaining faith that the path I’ve chosen will pay off. I’ve made it this far under God’s watch, so as much as my ego keeps trying to convince me to exercise my free will and try something else, I’m opting to stay with option #4, because it’s the only one that I truly believe will bring me to the other side of this…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

I own both a Tarot and Oracle card deck that from time to time, I actually pray to God holding one of them in my hand and ask for a guiding message to help me when I’m really struggling with some aspect of my life. Recently, I did just that on a day when I was beating myself up a little around why I haven’t gotten healthier yet given all the hard work I’ve been putting in to get there the last few years. Ironically the card I pulled out of my Archangel Michael Oracle deck that day was exactly the message I know I needed to hear in that moment and it’s something I know I truly need to pay greater attention to.

But before I speak to what the actual card said, I feel the need to first say that I don’t believe card readings are evil or devil worshipping in any way, unless that is the intention one tries to place into them. For myself, anytime I’ve ever gone and had a reading done or given myself one, I’ve always asked God to guide it and to show me a message for my highest good. This is precisely what I did the other day when I was sitting in my office feeling extremely blue while holding onto my Oracle deck.

As I shuffled the cards from it over and over again, I kept asking God to let me know something…anything…that might help me on the healing path I’ve been on with God for so long now. I honestly was in serious need of a little hope at that moment. Suddenly, in the midst of me shuffling the 44 cards in my hands again for the umpteenth time, a card flipped out of the deck face up that said “Be Gentle With Yourself”. Immediately I began to tear up as I read the words in the guidebook that accompanies it:

“Archangel Michael is guiding you toward honoring your sensitivity – emotionally and physically. You’ve been pushing yourself too hard, while often berating yourself for “imperfections,” which are in your imagination. This card serves as a reminder that you’re doing the best you can in the circumstances you’re dealing with. So give yourself a break, slow down, and be good to yourself.”

And the prayer that followed these words made even more sense to me with where I’ve been at lately:

“Archangel Michael, please guide me in treating myself with gentle, nurturing love in everything I think, speak, and do. Help me know that I deserve this compassion. I release any feelings of guilt to you so that I may experience lasting inner peace.”

The reason why this card was so fitting for me and ultimately continues to be even now as I write this entry days later is this. I often beat myself up thinking there’s some part of my life that I’m not trying hard enough in or doing well enough in, that’s somehow preventing me from getting better. But seeing those words that said I’m doing the best I can given my circumstances, caused me to sob for a few minutes.

You see, having been in the place I’ve been in with high levels of pain over the past three years, I’ve driven myself so hard at times to reach a level of spiritual perfection thinking it will hopefully bring me out of the depths of despair I often find myself in. And on that day when I was doing this reading, what I really was thinking inside while shuffling the Oracle cards was maybe God would show me some area of my life that I can still work on to get me in a much better state of health.

Sometimes I think God and his angels and archangels have a good sense of humor because the answer I got from the card that flipped out of my deck then was exactly what I needed to be reminded of. I haven’t been gentle with myself much at all lately and I know I need to focus a lot more on doing that then I have been.

So in the end what I’ve taken away from the single card reading I did the other day is quite simple. I’m doing the best I can and truly the only thing I need to concentrate on is being a little more kind and loving to myself, because really, I think that’s something we all need to start doing a lot more for ourselves in life, especially me, don’t you agree? 🙂

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson