Daily Reflection

“As psychiatrists have often observed, defiance is the outstanding characteristic of many an alcoholic. So it’s not strange that lots of us have had our day at defying God Himself. Sometimes it’s because God has not delivered us the good things of life, which we specified, as a greedy child makes an impossible list for Santa Claus. More often, though, we met up with some major calamity, and to our way of thinking lost out because God deserted us. The girl we wanted to marry had other notions; we prayed God that she’d change her mind, but she didn’t. We prayed for healthy children, and were presented with sick ones, or none at all. We prayed for promotions at business, and none came. Loved ones, upon whom we heartily depended, were taken from us by so-called acts of God. Then we became drunkards, and asked God to stop that. But nothing happened. ‘Damn this faith business’, we said. When we encountered A.A., the fallacy of our defiance was revealed. At no time had had we asked what God’s will was for us; instead we had been telling Him what it ought to be. In A.A., we saw the fruits of this belief; men and women spared from alcohol’s final catastrophe. We saw them meet and transcend their other pains and trials. We saw them calmly accept impossible situations, seeing neither to run nor to recriminate. This was not only faith, it was faith that worked under all conditions…” (p. 31, 12 Steps and 12 Traditions)

My faith has definitely been wavering tremendously lately with all the intense mental, emotional, and physical pains I’ve been struggling with. I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed to God for a very long time now for my suffering to end and have yet to see that come to fruition. While I may not understand why, I still continue to trudge forward, waiting patiently, and constantly asking for God’s will to be done in my life. That’s only because I grew tired of waiting on God to answer my prayers just over four years ago, when I spent an entire year taking matters into my own hands. That year didn’t end well, as that bout of defiance only caused me to have a nervous breakdown and attempt suicide. I have since spent almost three and a half years now trying to become more and more reliant on God. But it’s truly hard sometimes, especially when great pain is involved. I mean who really wants to walk through pain on a daily basis anyway? I sure don’t, but I continue to do so anyway, because I know exactly where defiance led me the last time I grew impatient and stopped waiting for the miracle to happen. It will happen though, in fact it is happening, because I know with me writing about it here that it’s helping me to remain reliant on God, and ultimately, I believe that’s the only solution to finding eternal peace and serenity for all of life’s impossible situations.

I pray I keep the faith that God will eventually deliver me from whatever troubles I’m going through. And I pray I remain fully reliant on God, and never return to a life of defiance, even when my mind may try so desperately to tell me otherwise.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“Sense8”, An Exciting, Original Netflix Series That Bends Your Mind

I’ve been hit or miss when it comes to the films done by the Wachowski siblings. If you’ve seen The Matrix or either of its sequels, then you’ve already witnessed as I have, the incredible originality from them as both writers and directors. I felt the same sense of awe with them when I watched Cloud Atlas as well. But I became somewhat disenchanted after watching their work in Speed Racer and Jupiter Ascending. This is why I had very mixed feelings when I heard over a year ago that they were collaborating with Netflix to create a new scripted television series peculiarly titled Sense8. But I’m happy to report now, just over a year later, that I’ve actually finished watching season one and thoroughly enjoyed every single minute of its 12 episodes.

While I’m not sure if I can truly do Sense8 the justice it deserves without spoiling anything, I will say that it took me at least four of its episodes to become completely hooked. The series begins with the scene of Angelica Turing (Daryl Hannah) sitting on an old mattress in a very run down church, looking very much like a junkie. Suddenly a man named Jonas Maliki (Naveen Andrews) appears and tells her she knows what she needs to do to save the others. She immediately pulls a gun out and holds it towards herself when another man named Mr. Whispers (Terrence Mann) abruptly shows up and tries to convince her not to do it. The viewer at this point has no idea whether these men are actually there with her or are simply figments of her imagination. But when Mr. Whispers walks into the church a few minutes later with several armed men, Angelica takes her life and we’re led to believe she was just a crazy person. Shortly thereafter her death though, 8 people from around the world begin getting visions of her and of each other, as somehow they’re now all connected. When they begin to realize just how connected they can become with each other, they also find themselves being hunted one by one by the very strange Mr. Whispers who seemingly has unique abilities himself. The viewer is then catapulted into a series that’s filled with everything from action, to an edge of your seat thriller, to comedy, to a heart-filled drama.

I must make a point to say that Sense8 really does a wonderful job representing and connecting so many different types of people to each other through its main cast of 8. They all come from various ages, races, creeds, colors, sexes, national origins, religions, gender identities and sexual orientations. Capheus (Ami Ameen) is a black man from Nairobi, Sun Bak (Doona Bae) is an Asian woman from Seoul, Nomi Marks (Jamie Clayton) is a transgender woman from San Francisco, Kala Dandekar (Tina Desai) is an Hindu woman from Mumbai, Riley Blue (Tuppence Middleton) is an Icelandic female DJ living in London, Wolfgang Bogdanow (Max Riemelt) is a German male locksmith and safe-cracker living in Berlin, Lito Rodriguex (Migeul Angel Silvestre) is a closeted Spanish actor living in Mexico City, and Will Gorski (Brian J. Smith) is a male police officer from Chicago. Ultimately I believe this is how all television shows and movies should be, giving us a great picture of the entire diversity that our planet has become.

When I finished watching the last episode of Sense8, I was glad that the series helped to reinforce one of my own spiritual beliefs, that somehow I too am connected to everyone and everything here on Earth. And while there may be some science fiction and fantasy elements drawn into this show that go a little beyond those beliefs, I’ve always felt that each of us here can tap into the energy and resources from each other to help us all grow closer to the Light.

So if you happen to be looking for an exciting and original show that does a superb job demonstrating not only how we all are connected, but also representing so much of our world in an unbiased way, then I encourage you to check out the Wachowki’s Sense8 on Netflix. Doing so might just bend your mind and leave you thinking, and also wanting more. (Note: Netflix gave the green light already for Season 2!)

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“My First AA Meeting”

On Friday’s at my five day a week AA home group, it’s open topic day and one never really knows what’s going to be brought up during them. Usually I contribute something at each of them, but a few weeks ago I found myself struggling to share anything when the subject brought up was to describe our first AA meeting. The reason why I struggled so much was simple. I simply just couldn’t remember it.

The original AA meeting I actually went to was somewhere during the first part of summer of 1995. I had a social worker at the time counseling me who suggested I try attending a few. About the only thing I remember from the first one I checked out was how smoky it was, because back then you could still light up a cigarette during them. Having just quit cigarettes in addition to alcohol, my initial impression of AA quickly became biased. I tried a few others in the days and weeks ahead, but I can’t say I remember any of them either. Part of the problem was that I had an ego a mile wide and I felt that the only thing I needed to do was not drink, not do drugs, and not smoke cigarettes. I never realized that those meetings were a lot more than just dumping one’s drama out there and I didn’t understand that there was a lot more work to do on myself after becoming clean and sober. But the reality was I wasn’t open to doing any of that work on myself back then. My ego had convinced me I was absolutely fine as I was, so long as I was not drinking, smoking, or doing drugs. Over the course of the next 12 years, none of that changed much either.

While I remained clean and sober and hit random meetings here and there, the only things I remember about any of them were whether there was anyone attractive present. Sadly, meetings to me for all those years were nothing more than a dating pool or a place to find a hook-up. My first real memory of an AA meeting didn’t really come until I became so powerless over my addiction-based insanity that I found enough willingness to get to one and actually listen for once. That moment was on the first Friday night of September in 2007 when my only real recovery friend invited me to go to his home group after I told him how miserable I was in life.

I remember walking through the church doors to his group that evening observing how everyone there appeared to be happy, yet I was so incredibly depressed. How could someone with 12 years of sobriety feel this way is what I thought inside as I greeted my friend with a hug? The immediate thing I told him was that I was in a very dark place and needed to share that night. He let me know I wouldn’t be able to though because they had an incoming group coming to share their experience, strength, and hope. I didn’t quite understand what he was talking about though because the only meetings I had ever attended in the past were ones that were open discussion. I proceeded to pressure him with the notion that I absolutely needed to share what was on my mind and after seeing I wasn’t going to give up, he ended up letting the incoming commitment know of my desire. Ironically, they eventually called me up to the podium where I clearly recall feeling a lot of fear inside.

As I stood there and began to speak in front of more than 100 people at a podium, the only thing I ultimately remember saying was how sick I was after all those years of being a dry drunk and that if I didn’t get help that night I was going to kill myself. I then burst into tears and rushed back to my seat. When the meeting ended not too long after, I got my very first sponsor and it was then I definitely began my true path to recovery.

While I’m slightly saddened that it took me as long it did to get there and create a strong enough of a memory to remember my first true AA meeting, I’m still thankful for all those prior ones I went to. Because it shows me how much I’ve grown since that very first smoky one I sat down at all those years ago where I let my ego run the show. I truly consider myself one of the lucky ones now because so many others have walked in my very same shoes and either relapsed, died, or remained a dry drunk. Thank God none of those happened with me and thank God I found enough willingness to finally come to an AA meeting with an open mind, as doing so has saved my life.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson