June’s Questions For You To Ponder

Well it’s that time of the month again to pose my monthly spiritual questions for everyone to ponder. I hope each of you will take the time to mull them over and maybe even share a few of your responses after you have. And as always, my own answers are listed below as well.

  1. What do you think happens to you after you die?
  2. What is your definition of a true friend?
  3. What is your ideal partner/soulmate?
  4. If you could become famous, what would it be for?
  5. If you had a terminal illness with less than six months to live, what three things would be most important for you to do?
  6. If you and three others were the only remaining people left on earth, who would you want those three to be?
  7. If you were to get stuck on an elevator for a few hours, whom would you want to be stuck in there with?
  8. What is your most painful memory?
  9. What would you do differently in life, if you knew no one would ever judge you again?
  10. Describe a miracle that’s happened in your life?

And one more for good measure:

  1. If you could have God answer one question, what would it be?

My answers:

  1. First, a reflection back upon my entire life, including my choices, decisions, and lessons learned. Second, time spent with others in spirit form, including ancestors and other beings of light. Third, rest and relaxation in a place I could constantly change its surroundings to be filled with amazing beauty. And finally, the option to return into a new physical form with more lessons to grasp in the next life.
  2. Someone who is concerned more often with the needs, wants, and desires of another than themselves.
  3. Someone who’s main desire is to grow closer to their Higher Power, who knows happiness comes from within, and who shows unconditional love towards everyone, including themselves.
  4. Speaking or writing.
  5. Make sure I’m free of any anger or resentment towards anyone or anything. Spend it in a beach home by a crystal blue ocean. Chronicle everyday of it to later become a book titled “Six Months To Live…”.
  6. The Dalai Lama, my partner, and my spiritual teacher.
  7. No one, just me.
  8. Either the day my father took his own life or the one where my mother took her tragic fall down the stairs.
  9. I’d be far more open about my sexuality than I am, like holding my partner’s hand in public.
  10. Becoming fully sober from addictions to alcohol, drugs, gambling, cigarettes, sex, codependency, love, caffeine, and shopping and completely healing from a traumatic childhood that included mental, verbal and sexual abuse, and bullying.
  11. God, why don’t you ever talk to me directly so that I can hear your voice?

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Two Fears About The Upcoming 2015 AA International Convention

In just under a week, I have plans to be in Atlanta, Georgia for the 2015 International AA Convention with my recovery friend Kim from Falmouth, Massachusetts. While I am excited to see her and be a part of a recovery event that happens only once every five years, I’m actually feeling very fearful about the trip for two reasons, one that deals with my health and one that deals with the closest friend I’ve ever had. In either case, I’ve determined the only thing I can do for each is to keep turning them over to my Higher Power, which is God.

The first fear is about something that if you’ve been reading most of my blogs, you’re already going to know a lot about it. Having a mind and body that isn’t functioning at a comfortable level is difficult enough. But travelling by plane to a city and a convention where I will be around tens of thousands of people at any given time doesn’t seem all that alluring to me at the present moment. In fact, I’ve enjoyed spending most of my free time lately being by myself where I don’t have to entertain the constant frustrating comments from far too many people who really don’t understand what and how long I’ve been going through. Regardless, I know I’m doing my absolute best to stay in the healthiest state I can, but even so, my heath issues have made me think about cancelling this trip quite a bit actually in recent weeks. I haven’t though because I have no idea what God has in store for me nor do I have any idea how I will ultimately feel there. In fact, my whole healing process has been a constant rollercoaster, with plenty of ups and downs. But the fact remains that I’m doing everything I possibly can to heal and I know the rest remains in God’s hands. Ironically, I also have just as much concern over my other fear with going to this convention.

This other fear deals with someone I’ve written about before as well, but not for some time. It deals with the friend I originally planned this trip with. Eighteen years ago, we became friends because of AA and while we had plenty of ups and downs throughout all those years, many because of my character defects and sex and love addiction, we somehow always made it through, growing closer than ever. But my move last year to Toledo, away from where he still lives in Massachusetts, triggered something in him, prompting him to pull back from corresponding with me as often and then eventually cancelling his plans to spend the convention with me as well. During our last conversation, which was in late September, I became less and less understanding of the distance he was placing between us and of the actions he was taking, which prompted the decision for him to take some further time to think about things. The last thing he said before we hung up the phone was that he’d be in touch very soon and that we’d work through this like we always have. Nine months have now passed without any contact and my last correspondence to him through an amends letter in the mail was never responded to. While you may think the feelings I have inside about this friend may be of anger and resentment, let me clarify they’re not. What I hold within is sadness and a longing for a friend that understood me better than anyone ever has. The idea of still going to this convention and seeing him there with the friends he chose to be with instead, brings great sorrow within me. And even though I know the odds of running into him isn’t that high given the amount of people that are going to be there, my mind has still run rampant of what I’d say and do if I possibly did.

Both of these fears have reminded me of what someone once told me long ago. They said that whenever we face a choice in life, the one with the greatest fear is the one we’re meant to take, because it’s on that one that God has the greatest chance to demonstrate a miracle. For the past few months, I’ve continued to do just that, by staying with my plan to go to Atlanta for this upcoming AA convention. Sure, I could easily take my will back by cancelling the trip and playing it completely safe, but that’s an awful lot like how I’ve always done things. So I’ve decided that if my health is poor while there, I can always stay by the pool at the hotel and reach out to my partner for love and support. And as for my friend, if the powers may be align our paths while there, I plan to give him a hug and tell him I love him because I know that’s what God would want me to do. In the meantime, I’m going to continue praying about this upcoming trip for God’s will and for God to dispel both of these fears…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Reshaping A Sullen Day In The Past With Gratitude

Have you ever had a special day planned, one you were truly looking forward to, only to see it be spoiled somewhat by some health issues when that day arrived? Just a few weeks ago this very thing happened to me on my 43rd birthday, and by the time it was over, I was feeling very sad and frustrated and having no gratitude whatsoever. But thankfully I remembered that gratitude can be practiced at any point in time, even for things that have already taken place, which is precisely what today’s entry is all about, making a little gratitude list for my 43rd birthday.

  • I’m grateful that I had my loving partner Chris to spend my birthday with, as there have been many birthday’s where I was either alone or allowing myself to be verbally abused by someone.
  • I’m grateful I made it to my recovery home group on my birthday because it’s also the same day I celebrated my AA anniversary. There I received my 20th year medallion, which is a far cry from the many birthdays I never went to a meeting at all and had my medallion sent to me in the mail.
  • I’m grateful one of my sponsees and his wife took my partner and I out to a nice lunch by the water on my birthday, as there were so many birthdays I either paid people to go out with me or had to pay for myself when all my friends said they were broke.
  • I’m grateful Chris treated me to a one-night stay at an amazing hotel on my birthday. There I enjoyed sitting on my room’s balcony that overlooked a river, relaxing in my room’s huge whirlpool tub, riding down a pretty cool tube-based slide on a raft several times (one even with Chris), and swimming in a very quiet indoor pool. Once again, I can recollect too many birthdays where I paid people to go on a trip with me enticing them with a stay at some lavish hotel.
  • I’m grateful for the bountiful German dinner and breakfast I had with my partner on my birthday where I ate things like chicken schnitzel, cheesecake, Quiche Raclette and Austrian pancakes, as there were plenty of birthdays where my meals were nothing to write home about at all.
  • I’m grateful for the homemade cheeses and cupcakes Chris bought for me the next morning, as they are treats I’m still enjoying even now. This is definitely different from the many birthdays where I had nothing left to enjoy once the day passed.
  • I’m grateful for all those people who either called me, texted me, or Facebook messaged me on my birthday, as there were quite a substantial amount of them. The fact is I’ve experienced far too many birthdays where unless I told people about it, hardly anyone would remember.
  • I’m grateful for the conversation I had with my spiritual teacher on my birthday, as she had just the right words to say that helped me to feel a little better, which is contrary to some birthdays where people would tell me to just get over it if I wasn’t feeling so great.
  • I’m grateful for the special present my sister sent me on my birthday from Edible Arrangements and for the gift card my partner gave me to Starbucks, as I know there have been birthdays where I didn’t have anything to open at all.
  • I’m grateful to my friends Jym and DW for taking care of my home and my cat for free while I was away for the night, as I used to be pretty hard-pressed to find anyone who would do anything for me out of the kindness of their heart on prior birthdays.
  • And last, but really the most important to me, I’m grateful to God for helping me have the courage to look back on this year’s 43rd birthday and find some gratitude in it, as I know that there were way too many birthdays throughout my life where I had little to no connection with God at all.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson