An Amends And Gratitude For My Spiritual Teacher

I have a spiritual teacher who has diligently and most definitely gone above and beyond the call of duty to help me heal over the past three years. She’s truly been a Godsend, especially on plenty of days when I’ve wanted to give up because of the unrelenting pain that continues to loudly knock on my door from within. Regrettably, I allowed my fear to get the best of me recently at the end of one of those pain-laden days, as I sent her a long email layered in negativity and frustration about my whole healing process. This only resulted in irritating her and me appearing codependent and overly needy. Since then, I’ve gone through a barrage of emotions, all of which have led me to writing this amends, because I most assuredly do owe her one.

Three years ago, I contacted her after finally saying goodbye to the last toxic relationship that was standing in the way of me stepping fully onto this healing path. When she told me then that she would take me on as a student and be my guide through the bumpy road to come, I was overjoyed. Not too long after that though, I know it became quite apparent to her on the amount of energy it was going to take to be my spiritual teacher, yet she gratuitously gave me that day in and day out, spending an exorbitant amount of time guiding me in the right direction.

By the time the first 365 days of being her student had passed, I had settled into a regular routine of connecting with her multiple times a week, usually for an hour on each of those occasions. Unfortunately, as the intensity of my spiritual work increased to cleanse my life, so did my level of pain, which only proceeded to increase my fear and demands on her time. Yet, she stuck by my side and patiently gave me hour after hour after hour answering the same questions again and again and again. And even as the next 365 days would pass after that, and even as my pain levels would rise even higher, she would remain by my side, constantly giving me gentle reminders to keep on keeping on, to help ease all those rising fears and worries that surrounded my heath.

Through her ongoing guidance and teachings, I soon began to discover the healing power of affirmations, audio spiritual attunements, and even through my writing when I took on her homework assignment to start this blog. There probably hasn’t been a day that’s passed since where I haven’t felt grateful in my heart for all her guidance and immense dedication to me, because she’s done more for me than probably anyone who’s ever tried to help me heal.

With that being said, the past 365 days of my healing process has been the greatest challenge I’ve ever had to face in life, as my pain levels have been a 10 out of 10 on more days than not. Because of this, I’ve had to battle tons of fear and continually work at removing it almost daily it seems, especially as of late. All the while she’s stayed my spiritual teacher, never giving up on me, and continuing to provide me those kind reminders that I would make it through this, particularly when I most needed them.

Sadly, I allowed my ego and my pain-based fear recently to get the best of me though when I sent her that long email late on a Sunday evening after a very excruciating weekend. I knew it had made a negative impact on her, as I could feel it in her words in the very next conversation we had a day later. I can only imagine how she felt because of all the time, effort, and energy she’s freely provided me during the course of the past three years.

While I can’t go back into the past and erase that email from ever being sent to her, I can do exactly as my program of recovery has taught me, which is to own where I was wrong. It’s not her fault that I’m in pain nor is it her responsibility to make it go away. But I know my words in that email said otherwise and for that I’m very sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was frustrate the one person who has so unconditionally remained by my side and given me her word that she would see me to the end of this long cycle of pain and healing.

This is specifically why I made it a point in my latest conversation with her to make an amends and ask for her forgiveness for temporarily acting out of my fear, for the frustration I caused her with that email, and for any of my other fear-based actions that have ever negatively affected her. I know I’d be truly lost without her ongoing guidance and direction and I also know I wouldn’t be as close to the end of this healing process as I am if it hadn’t been for all her excessive devotion to my healing processes so far.

When my amends process came to a close, I thanked her for all the time and energy she’s exuded since I began as her student and it was then I received confirmation that she forgave me. But even better, she promised to continue helping me reach that light that I know exists at the end of this long, dark tunnel I’ve been trudging through for what feels like an eternity.

The bottom line is that the amends process does work, especially when our Higher Power is in charge of making one. Mine definitely helped to not only find the right words to complete this process, but did so in such a way that my spiritual teacher knew it was from my heart and that I loved her dearly. So thank you Higher Power for getting me through this, as I’m truly grateful.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

 

Andy’s Woodsy Adventure – Chapter 12

Q: What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
A: Bison!

Hey everyone, just a quick heads up that starting in May when I post the next chapter of my greatest adventure ever, you’ll be seeing a slightly new format that includes the usual silly joke, the link to a PDF with all my previous chapters, and the new chapter itself, but nothing else. I decided it was more important to focus my energy into writing the story, instead of making fun of my big goofy doppelganger all the time. LOL. Well anyway, thanks for continuing to follow along and happy reading!

Andy’s Woodsy Adventure (Chapters 1 to 11)

Andy’s Woodsy Adventure – Chapter 12

“What? Wait a second. You can see it? Yeah right!” I said rather sarcastically thinking Chris was just pulling my leg.

“I’m being totally serious! Look right there is Libra, and there’s Gemini, and…”

“Ok. I believe you!” I cut him off after seeing him point to the precise spots where the Libra and Gemini symbols were on the crystal. “So how do you think that’s possible when no one else has been able to see anything but a rock?”

“I have no idea. But there’s got to be some reason.” Chris said as he continued to look intently at the crystal in his hand when suddenly he shouted “GEMINI!”

It had actually been rather comical watching Chris do this. He had held the crystal outward like a magic wand, expecting something to happen when he said the word Gemini, but nothing did. 

“So I’m guessing you thought in saying Gemini that…”

POP…

“…since you could see the crystal’s symbols, you might have the powers too…” Andy #2 appeared finishing my sentence.

“I was about to tell him that!”

“Sure you were…” I said as both Andy #2 and myself started laughing uncontrollably. 

“Come on guys, be serious. I thought it might actually have worked…”

“It was a very valiant effort indeed Chris!” said Andy #2 sounding like he was from medieval times.

“Hey, in all seriousness do you know what this specific symbol is? I’m pretty sure I know what all the zodiac signs look like and I’ve never seen this one.” Chris said pointing at one I hadn’t noticed on it before.

The symbol looked a lot like a very tiny wheel. It was a circle with spokes all connecting to an even smaller circle in the middle of it.

“Let me see that.” I took it from him and immediately the symbol disappeared.

“Whoa!” said Chris seeing it had disappeared in my hand.

I handed it back to him and it immediately reappeared. We did this a few more times until Andy #2 broke the silence.

“And there we have it folks, a really exciting game of hot potato…”

“He’s definitely got more your sarcastic side that’s for sure…” said Chris rolling his eyes.

“You think?” I said with a grin.

“Let’s look up the Zodiac on the Internet and see what we find.” 

“Gee, that sounds sooooooo fun…” Andy #2 said somewhat cynically.

“Gemini!” I was actually starting to get a little annoyed myself, with myself, as if that was even possible.

“Awww…” said Andy #2 with a huge smile, just before he vanished.

POP…

“Finally, some peace and quiet. You know you can be totally annoying at times…” Chris said jokingly.

“I know right!”

Chris then sat down and logged into his Apple desktop computer, while I pulled up a chair next to him. I watched him Google the word “zodiac”, and scanned the first page of results along with him. He chose to open up the first of those results, which was from Wikipedia, and there on the upper right-hand side of the page, was a picture that was pretty darn close to the symbol on the crystal. But before I had a chance to say anything, Chris swiveled his chair around and directly faced me.

“Hey I really need to say something before we proceed into this any further…I feel kind of bad about how I handled what you said to me a little bit ago…” 

“You mean about your sister?” 

“Yeah… it’s…kind of hard to talk about…”

I could tell as Chris’s eyes started to tear up and turn red.

“It’s ok, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” I said reassuringly.

“No, I do, I mean I need to talk to someone about it, because I haven’t really, since it happened.”

There was a long pause where I actually thought Chris was going to start crying, but instead he took a deep breath and began talking.

“I had a twin sister who died in the beginning of last year. Up until then, she was my only real friend and we used to hang out all the time together. Our family was headed out to dinner like we frequently did on a Friday night. And one of the things we always did before every car ride was battle each other for the seat behind our mother, because there was more legroom there. My father is pretty tall if you hadn’t noticed and has to put his seat all the way back when he drives. I hadn’t even given my sister a chance that night to battle me for that desired seat and instead had just sat in it. Midway to dinner, a drunk driver came across the road and hit us head on pretty hard, causing my father’s seat to come undone, which ended up crushing…my…sister…to death next to me. We had just been playing a game of rock-paper-scissors when it all happened…”

Chris couldn’t continue. He began crying pretty hard, and I wondered if this was the most he had opened up about his sister’s death since it happened. I decided it was best to remain silent for a few minutes, especially because I didn’t know what to say. Other than losing a grandparent I wasn’t that close to, I hadn’t experienced much in the way of death yet.

Once Chris’s sobbing had stopped, I decided it was a good time to finally say something that might help him feel more comfortable.

“Hey, thanks for sharing that with me man. I know that must have been very hard for you to do. But you know it’s not your fault right Chris?” 

“I know, that’s what my parents have told me countless times…” 

“Look, I know it sucks, and I can’t imagine what it feels like. I really can’t. But if you had been behind your father’s seat, I wouldn’t be here right now hanging out with you. And maybe, just maybe, you were the one who was always meant to live because you have a purpose. After all, you’ve been the only one other than me who has been able to see this crystal, and now you even have a symbol on it meant just for you…

“Thanks Andy. I guess I never thought about it in that way…”

“Well look, if you don’t cheer up, I’m going to get Andy #2 back here to annoy the crap out of you…” 

“Nooooooo!”

And just like that, it felt as if the two of us had really bonded into best friends for life.

“So it appears as if this symbol is the actual Zodiac symbol doesn’t it?” Chris said turning his attention back to the Wikipedia page.

“Well it obviously doesn’t do anything because you’ve already said the word ‘Zodiac’ a bunch of times and nothing happened.” 

“Hold on a second, look, it says right here the word ‘zodiac’ is derived from the Greek word ‘Zōidiakos’, which means “’circle of friends’.

Suddenly the crystal flew out of his hand with a mesmerizing hum and started spinning around in mid-air between us, faster and faster and faster, until neither of us could see anything but its blur. Loose papers and other light objects began flying around Chris’s room as we both looked over at each other in total shock. The blur began to expand, growing bigger and bigger until it completely enveloped us, causing his room to become blurry instead. It was almost as if we were in the center of a tornado, although thankfully I had never been in one of those to have known. And then as quickly as it started spinning, it rapidly slowed down until it stopped altogether dropping back down into Chris’s hand. Except we both then noticed we no longer were in his bedroom. Instead we were sitting on our two chairs in what appeared to be a large room with all black walls. In place of the ceiling though was the sky and stars, and surrounding us was an immense circular table with from what I could tell, had 12 beings equally positioned completely around it now keenly fixated upon us…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

My Third Anniversary – SLAA And SAA

Today is my third sober anniversary from an addiction I fought against and lost the battle with for a good portion of my life. It’s one I’d fathom most would find extremely difficult to appreciate if they haven’t ever struggled with this addiction. Nevertheless, on April 23rd, 2012, I finally admitted my powerlessness over my sex and love addiction. It was then I embarked upon a spiritual journey to start recovering from it in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) and later Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA).

Recovery from this addiction has been vastly different than my recovery for my prior addiction to alcohol and drugs. At least with the latter, I learned very early on I could easily spend the rest of my life without needing either of them. Practicing permanent abstinence from alcohol and drugs was really not a big loss given how I found plenty of healthier ways in life to find joy and happiness. But sex and love are two things that are quite innate to our human makeup and abstaining from both was never the plan for my long-term recovery from this addiction. Instead, I had to come up with a bottom (sober) line list of former behaviors that always led me to spiraling addictively out of control.

For three years now, I’m so grateful to be able to say I’ve adhered to the bottom line I created with the help of my sponsor. It hasn’t been easy but I’ve definitely maintained my sobriety with the following:

  1. No sexual intimacy outside my committed relationship.
  2. No perusing any dating or sex-based websites.
  3. No pornography.
  4. No phone or cyber sex.
  5. No chasing after married or unavailable people.

But like I said already, most probably won’t understand why sobriety from these things is such a big deal. But for someone like me, who once couldn’t go a day, an hour, and sometimes even a minute without having one of these in play, it’s actually a huge deal! Thus I’m overly grateful to be hitting another milestone in my recovery for this addiction.

This is why I personally would like to thank my sponsor, the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) and Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) recovery programs, and of course my Higher Power (which is God) for helping me find a tremendous amount of freedom from an addiction that formerly occupied so much of my time, energy, and money.

Don’t get me wrong though, I still have plenty of temptations that arise on a daily basis, beckoning me to once again succumb to this addiction’s deadly allure, but thankfully I haven’t. And God-willing, I plan to reach another milestone 365 days from now by continuing to diligently work one day at a time on my 12 Step recovery program for sex and love addiction…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson