Category: Healing From Chronic Pain And Illness

I know this is a subject I’ve spoken to before, but I think it’s one worth repeating from time to time in my writing, especially as of late where I’ve really found myself questioning if God is even real. The fact is, my health issues and ailments are really getting the best of me lately and when they have, I have found asking God via prayer for proof of His existence, most of which have gone unanswered. You know why I think that is? Because no matter how many proofs we may get, I think we will always keep questioning God’s existence each time the going gets rough, leaving us in a perpetual cycle of weak faith. I had a strong reminder of this recently in fact.

On one specific day when no rain was predicted in the local forecast and skies were clear, I knew I needed to water the yard, I just didn’t feel like doing it because of how crappy I had been feeling. So, I asked God to show He was still there for me by making it rain that night, and just after midnight, it did, for 15 minutes, in a downpour, fully removing my need to water the yard. Yet, it wasn’t long after that, maybe a few days later at best, when my pain got the best of me again. Once again, I found myself questioning whether God was real and asking for another sign to prove He was. This time it dealt with the winds outside. I asked God to calm the winds because they had been driving down droves of leaves into my yard for days like it was fall and I was getting so sick of cleaning them all up. According to all the weather forecasts, they weren’t supposed to calm down for another day, but ironically, they disappeared within 30 minutes after saying that prayer and never returned. You’d think this would increase my faith, but it did the opposite, making me become more dependent, almost like an addiction, on proof of God’s existence, versus just blindly trusting He’s there and still has a beautiful plan for me.

The reality is, I don’t think any number of signs of God’s presence will ever make me fully believe in Him, as my ego always seems to find a reason to prove otherwise. The fact is, God either is or He isn’t and coming to that place where one truly believes He is, will never come from receiving one sign after another of God’s existence, it will come though from having true faith within. Faith that develops from just blindly trusting, even when the mind can’t seem to find a reason too.

There is simply no way I would ever have made it thus far in life if God had answered me every time I asked Him for proof of Him. To stand in this storm I have been with my health, for as many years as I have, to have endured the level of pain I have with no relief in sight, has required incredibly strong faith, one that most assuredly has been tested repeatedly. This faith hasn’t come from signs at all, rather it’s come from walking through a constant darkness, hands outstretched, trusting that God is somewhere in front of me, beckoning me to keep moving forward, all while believing that when I finally make it to the other side of this, that I’ll have a far deeper unshakable faith, one that will need far less signs of His proof and instead whose life itself will become proof of God’s existence.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

I haven’t done any type of serious biking or walking for long distances in a very long time, two things I once did regularly. The reason for this simply has been out of fear to making things worse for me with my long-running health issues, specifically with the Fibromyalgia and sciatica I continue to endure. This all changed last week though when I decided I wanted to be a fighter and challenge that part of my ego by asking God for strength to do both when I was with my best friend Cedric on a vacation in Massachusetts.

For years, Cedric has been talking about taking me on this Cape Cod canal bike ride he does frequently during the warmer months. It’s a 14-mile roundtrip venture that heads from Buzzards Bay to Scusset beach and back. Prior to 2010, I could have done that at least twice in one day, as I used to bike more than 27 miles every day as part of a daily exercise routine, specifically when I lived on the island of Chincoteague, Virginia. I’m not sure why I decided to press through my fear of intense exercise on this trip versus any of the others I’ve taken to visit him, but if I was to guess that reason, I think it’s ultimately because I’m tired of waiting for my health to improve before I try something new. Regardless, after picking out a bike to rent on a Thursday early afternoon during my recent visit to him, I hopped on the tiny seat and headed off onto the canal next to his bike on what I would call a picture-perfect summer weather day. While some light winds were against me during our bike ride to the beach, I felt a strong determination to at least make it to the halfway point. I think knowing the bike company said they’d come get me if I couldn’t make it back was reassuring enough to at least strive for that halfway point. Honestly, reaching the beach and conquering that first seven miles felt pretty amazing to say the least. It was as if some part of my ego died that day once I did. Nevertheless, I took a brief rest with Cedric out on a long jetty surrounded by the lull of the ocean waves, after which I felt invigorated enough to attempt the return trip. Truly, at that point, seven miles was the most I had biked in over 13 years, so the adrenaline running through me was quite high and most definitely overshadowing any pain. In the end, I did make it back to the bike shop, completing the entire 14-mile arc! Ironically, just before I pulled into the shop I collided my bike into Cedric’s and fell to the ground, but thankfully I didn’t injure myself more than some minor scrapes. It was pretty laughable actually and a hilarious ending to a major achievement in my life.

As for the walking achievement, well that came a few days later in Gloucester, Massachusetts. We were staying at an oceanfront motel on a cliffside and I suggested one afternoon to go for a walk because it was another spectacular day. I haven’t walked much over a mile or two in a very long time as well, given the same reasons with my health. So, when I set out on the walk, I did my best to pay more attention to the serenity around me with the ocean and all those spectacularly huge homes rather than the pain. About a mile and a half into the walk, I began feeling uncomfortable in my left leg where much of my pain resides. Cedric said we could turn around and my ego definitely wanted to, but my spirit didn’t. In that moment, maybe even determined than the bike ride, I asked God for the strength to press on, as I really wanted to do an entire circular arc I had originally mapped out on my phone, rather than back tracking. While I took a lot more breaks after that, I actually ended up completing that arc, which was approximately 4.5 miles!

Overall, while I did experience the after effects of both intensive exercise-fueled outings on my body, it was well worth it, because it said one thing very clearly to my ego that I’m not giving up on myself! I’m truly a fighter and refuse to give up or give in to this pain, something both my parents did and something I continue to pray to never do.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

On a recent trip away for a few days, I was sitting outside at the gas firepit at the resort I was staying at with other guests on vacation just like myself. It was a nice evening, the sky was clear, the stars were brightly shining, yet I was miserable. Why? Because I kept comparing my life to everyone else’s there.

The one thing I often find myself doing when I talk with others, especially new people that I just met is comparing their life’s achievements to my own, which honestly is probably one of the unhealthiest things a person can do because it either swells one’s ego or deflates it, with major emphasis being placed on the word ego here.

Comparing oneself to anyone is simply an ego-based move. Most who do it generally hope to feel better about themselves when they do it, that somehow maybe they’ve done more, seen more, earned more achievements, accolades, etc., in life. In my case, due to years filled with health problems that drastically have slowed me down, it’s typically been the opposite, where I feel like I’m a nobody after comparing myself to another.

I kind of felt that way after comparing myself with this couple my partner and I met at that resort firepit that night. They had travelled much of the world, lived in some majorly cool areas of the country, worked in a number of amazing jobs that paid very well, been married happily for 21 years with 4 kids who were all successful, and well just seemed like they had lived a pretty darn good life. I think my ego got deflated the most when I learned the woman’s current profession at 46 years old was a professional nanny for a very wealthy family who takes her on trips to places like Hawaii where she gets paid to go on vacation with them and play with the kids in the sand.

Yikes! Just writing about this further deflates my ego even more because on a direct comparison, my ego makes me believe I’m far less relevant or important when I have no real idea of what those people, or anyone really, have gone through, or are going through, that I probably wouldn’t want. It’s a lot like how I feel with Facebook. Most people post happy-go-lucky things on their timelines with smiling faces and cool places, and rarely express their troubles of life. I mean how often do we see people posting that they are in bankruptcy or suffering from addiction or struggling to pay their bills or going through a divorce, etc. The fact is, taken at face value for what one sees or hears with others, especially people they don’t know or just met, it’s a sure deathtrap for the ego comparing oneself to any of them, particularly for someone struggling with a low self-esteem like I have been in recent years.

While I may not have travelled to all corners of the globe, or be in some job presently that is making a serious impact on bettering the planet somehow, or earning a huge paycheck or any paycheck for that matter, or have chiseled muscular features, or have a family, a big home in an exclusive neighborhood, or any number of other ego-coveted things in this life presently, what I do have is a good heart and honest life, filled with a desire to be more selfless than selfish, giving more than taking, accepting more than judging, and kind more than angry. For me, those things are priceless, not just because we live in a world seemingly filled with so much of the opposite these days, but because the former addict in me never had those qualities or even cared about having them.

And ironically, during the majority of my addiction-fueled days, I had the very things my ego often listens for in others at places like resort firepits, but I was never any happier, at peace, or filled with joy when I had them. The more that I remain clean and sober and work on my life in recovery from many former addictions, the more I see how fruitless it is to compare myself to anyone, because I haven’t lived their life, they haven’t lived mine, and honestly, I don’t think God cares. I think what really matters and what God cares about is being there for each other, something I continue to strive for, one day at a time.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson